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CANADA DECLARES WAR ON SAUDI ARABIA

in Canada/feature/Middle East/World by

Trudeau sent a very strong message to Saudi Arabia:

We’ll strike you with fire & fury using our Tweeter messages, and we will decimate you until you beg for your PJs.” said Canada’s Prime Minister.

Canada’s PM J. Trudeau has just confirmed that Canada’s twitter forces will attack Saudi Arabia at any given moment. PM Trudeau said that tweets are going to be sent straight to their souls and hearts and will eliminate all the targets.

When asked about if it was a real war or just a tweeter war, Prime Minister Trudeau said: “This is a real war against Saudi Arabia”. Trudeau also added: “We as Canadians, and Liberals believe that wars don’t need to be won. We just want that the war on words, tweeter words for example, are enough to eliminate a country which is against our principles and morals; and we will fight for that”.

CANADA SECRET WAR PLAN: The Can News’ reporters went further and beyond to find out about the secret plan: Because Canada doesn’t have any military equipment or weapons to fight a war against Saudi Arabia, the Liberals decided that the best war would be on Twitter… So, Canada has hired hundreds of Social Media Experts to fight Saudi Arabia. “Words war”, that’s what said Minister of National Defence Harjet Sings Turban.

Let’s clap our hands!!

Danger in the Air: Canada to Purchase 25 Old Australian Fighter Jets

in Canada/feature/North America/Politics by

Canada’s Minister of National Defence Harjet Sings Turban is a Sikh man. He has just approved the purchase of 25 old fighter jets from Australia to be added to the Canadian Air Force.

When asked by The Can News about the meaning of this incredible purchase, Mr. Turban said: “Our Liberal government had spent a lot in the Cannabis, same-sex marriage, gay parades and other important businesses, and now our military budget has been compromised”.

The Liberal government originally announced it would buy 18 used Australian F-18 jets to augment the Royal Canadian Air Force’s CF-18s until new aircraft can be purchased in the coming years.  But it has added seven more used Australian F-18 aircraft to the deal.

One of the fighter jets to be purchased from Australia were flown by Crocodile Dundee in his 1988 movie. Paul Hogan (Crocodile Dundee himself) told the Can News: “G’day! Ow ya goin’ mate?”.

The Minister of National Defence, Mr. Turban also said that these fighter jets were purchased to patrolling the air space of all elementary schools across Canada’s territory.

The lack of military fighter jets’ pilots is no longer an issue for Canada’s air space defence. We have hired school’s bus drivers with a lot of experience in drugs to fly those planes. These new pilots only smoke pot before and after their flights, but never when they’re flying. These guys are the snoop dogs of the future, they are able to spot drugs around any school zone from the air while flying over these schools” – added Mr. Turban.

 

How Canada’s New Marijuana Laws Could Affect You

in Canada by

This photo shows you exactly what happens when potheads take their dog & kid for a walk.

Don’t expect potheads to take care of your lawn or your snow shovelling when you need it, because they are just potheads living their dreams. Not yours!

If you really want their help, just call them if you wish to be confined with them in a very small room while you guys are smoking a few salmons. That’s it!

 

Brutal Beating Of Woman’s Beaver in Small Town Saskatchewan

in Canada by
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The brutal beating death of a woman’s beaver outside a bar in Wolseley town is sparking outrage, as the Can News reports:

Two drunk women in the small town of Wolseley, SK Canada met outside a bar and decided to go for a fight. Several local people were around them and were watching their fight.

The women’s fight on the street was just like a bloody Roman gladiator fight said Ceaser MacAroni.

“They were pushing their beavers against each other… Just like a fight between bush against bush.” added Mr. MacAroni.

USASK – University of Saskatchewan’s veterinary scientists have examined the dead bushy beaver and told us that the woman wearing the Calgary Stampede jersey during the fight was the one who had her beaver dead during the fight. They also added that they can’t say exactly when her beaver died, it could be because of the street fight, or because of her beaver’s rotten condition and/or health negligence as well. “Her beaver stinks a lot!” said one of the USASK Vet scientists.

RCMP and other authorities will be investigating this case.

Keep in touch with us to get the latest news!

 

 

 

 

Canada tightening borders against Muslims

in Canada/Politics by
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Minister of Immigration, Refugees and Citizenship for the Government of Canada – The Honourable Ahmed D. Hussen (nephew of Saddam Hussein) revealed today that Canada will toughen security along the Canadian border, including all ports of entry (POE) such as airports, seaports, riverports, streamports, creekports, roads and rail crossings on a land border.

>> Watch video above: An agent of the Canada Border Services Agency (CBSA), fluent in both English and Arabic, gives a very rough time to a muslim who was just arriving in Canada. You will see in this video above that only after a very meticulous checking on the suspicious man, the Canadian officer was confident enough to let him into Canada.

Minister of Immigration, Refugees and Citizenship for the Government of Canada – Ahmed D. Hussen

Ahmed also announced he had ordered tough new security screening for refugee claimants, which is already increasing backlogs at entry points, and added: “I am a muslim myself from Somalia where things are very rough, and I don’t want this kind of people entering Canada. Not today, not tomorrow.”

Canadian men are sexually harassed by their curling wives

in Canada/Sports by
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Three out of four men in Canada feel they have been sexually harassed by their curling wives according to Gallup Canada Consulting. In Manitoba, the numbers are even higher and scarier, where approximately 2 and a half men plus 4 out of 5 male buffalos feel the same kind of harassment at home.

When in Manitoba last week, The Can interviewed one of the 3,452 husbands who have filled out a harassment complaint at the PMABWC – Poor Men Assaulted By Women Centre. “Always after a rough curling game, my wife goes to a bar with her teammates and comes home drunk… demanding rough sex, and forces me to go to our bed and then starts screaming in my ears: Harder! Haaarder! Haaaaaarder!! And if I don’t want to go to bed with her, she hits me very hard with the kitchen broom! It hurts a lot, you know…” said Mike Broomdodger

>> Watch the video above

 

PM Trudeau wants migrant caravan to cross into U.S.

in Canada/feature/North America/Politics/World by

As a caravan of some 4,000 Central American migrants rests in Juchitan, a town 700 kilometres southeast of Mexico City and still many weeks’ walk from the U.S. border, Canada’s Prime Minister Justin Trudeau told President Donald Trump yesterday that he should allow the caravan to cross into U.S. and then be able to keep walking thousands and thousands of miles more in American territory until their safe arrival in Canada.

This is the Canadian spirit, we always welcome international refugees and despite the fact that some might be terrorists, Canada is always willing to cut them a big cheque.” said Trudeau.

In case Mr. Trump accepts Trudeau’s request, the Canadian government in partnership with Tim Horton’s and the U.N. will set thousands of tents serving coffee and poutine to the migrants along their way to Canada. Tim Horton’s spokesperson Timmy Cofeeman Jr. said their company is launching 2 new products to specifically attend the caravan migrants needs: The Caravan Caramel Latte™ and Timbit of-a-Walk-Ahead Poutine™, both by Tim Horton’s.

There’s nothing more Canadian than a Timmy’s double double with poutine!” added Prime Minister Trudeau.

This dude is not doing his job.

in Canada/feature/North America/Politics/World by

The Can News – Ottawa, ON Canada

THIS KID WANTS A TRADE-CARTEL WAR WITH THE UNITED STATES

U.S. President Donald Trump said that Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is damaging the pot business in America by legalizing marijuana all over Canada.

Trump told The Can News yesterday that if Canada continues playing dirty games with the U.S., he will increase tariffs on all cocaine, meth and heroin exported to Canada by 87% starting next month.

This spoiled pot-head kid Justin, a follower of Bob Marley’s smoking habits, must be stopped at all costs!” said president Trump.

Canada’s Marijuana Market Now Largest In The World – Watch Video

 

 

 

J. Conehead is the new NDP Leader

in Canada/Politics by

Jag Meets the Conehead (on the picture with his lovely family), the first turban-wearing Sick to sit in Ontario’s legislature, will now lead a federal political party with his victory in the NDP leadership race on Sunday.

Mr. Conehead, 38, won on the first ballot Sunday, taking 53 per cent of the vote to top MPs Charlie Angus, Niki Ashton and Guy Caron.

Jag Meets the Conehead has represented the riding of Bramalea-Gore-Malton at Queen’s Park since 2011. The unmarried MPP served as the Ontario NDP’s critic for justice and consumer services before party leader Andrea Horwath named him her deputy in 2015.

Although he is a Sick man by religion and a Conehead by birth/blood he promises to bring the NDP (Neo-Communist Disguised Party) back to its feet in the next election.

So, if you are a socialist or communist (or just don’t like to work), keep your fingers crossed because the Orange could be the new Black!

Canadian Passports to have ‘X’ gender

in Canada/North America/Politics by

By the end of the month, you will be allowed to have a neutral gender on your Canadian passport and immigration documents.

The Ministry of Immigration, Refugees and Citizenship announced that a new gender designation, “X,” for those who don’t identify as male or female, will be available starting Aug. 31.

It’s the latest in a series of policy changes supported by Bill C-16, which defends the rights of transgender people and makes it illegal to discriminate based on “gender identity or expression.”

“It’s good news for all Canadians” said PM Just True Though yesterday.

Editor’s Opinion

in Canada/The Can by
The Can - Editor

On behalf of The Can crew, I would like to welcome you to this website and hope you enjoy reading our stupid articles. Don’t worry if you can’t understand our non-sense humor because it really doesn’t make any sense, unless you are completely drunk or very high.  If you like our jokes and think they are stupid enough, please check back often for updates and breaking news! You can also subscribe to receive our news and updates by e-mail at http://thecannews.com/?p=823 or leave your opinion and comments at http://thecannews.com/?p=199. Feel free to visit our Facebook fan page at  http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-CAN-Canadian-Airhead-News/166368033421884 and if possible, click on the “LIKE” button! Yes, we’ll love it! To follow us on Twitter, go to: http://twitter.com/thecannews Well, enjoy the ride cowboy! Choose your poison, get drunk and have a good reading!

Canada will export Beavers to Asia

in Canada/Economy/World by
TheCan©Beavers-in-Action

OTTAWA – Foreign Affairs and International Trade Canada’s Office: In a continent always prepared for earthquakes, the last 8.9-magnitude temblor caught battle-hardened Japanese off guard. Now China, Japan and many other Asian countries part of the “Pacific Rim” are looking for new alternatives to avoid more damage caused by earthquakes and tsunamis in the future.  The EDC – Export Development Canada announced yesterday that they have made an agreement with the ACPR – Asian Countries of the Pacific Rim where Canada will be exporting beavers to Asia in order to try to modify the landscape of those countries so vulnerable to earthquakes and similar disasters. Beavers are famously busy, and they turn their talents to reengineering the landscape as few other animals can. When sites are available, beavers burrow on the beaches and in banks of rivers and lakes. But they also transform less suitable habitats by building dams. Felling and gnawing trees with their strong teeth and powerful jaws, they create massive log, branch, and mud structures to block streams, tsunamis and earthquakes. Beavers are among the largest of rodents. They are herbivores and prefer to eat leaves, bark, twigs, roots, aquatic plants and other stuff available in Asia, including sushi and sashimi if necessary. Beavers’ average life span in the wild or on the coast is up to 24 years (under sunscreen protection) and they are second only to humans in their ability to manipulate and change their environment.  That’s why these Asian countries are importing two and a half million beavers from Canada next month. The containers (with these precious creatures) are being loaded in B.C. under the supervision of the David Suzuki Foundation and are expected to arrive in Tokyo in the beginning of May. Canada’s government officials said it was a CDN$ 15 million charity deal sponsored by Tim Horton’s (Roll up the pacific rim campaign) and each beaver was sold to Asia for for only $5 bucks – plus applicable taxes such as GST (Government Stands against Tsunami), PST (Planning Seismic Technology) and NBA (North American Beavers in Action). With the help of our incredible beavers, Asian countries expect to have an earthquake-proof landscape built very soon and finally have their problems solved.

Mad Cow crisis in Alberta

in Canada/Economy by
Alberta Alcoholics Anonymous

Alberta, the largest beef producer in our country is facing another mad cow crisis.  For the first time in history, the mad cow disease wasn’t caused by a virus, but instead it was triggered by the sadness of thousands of cows in Alberta who have developed psychological problems due to the increase of interest rates on the slaughter house mortgages, which have driven them nuts (mad) and have led them to alcohol abuse as well. Nowadays, 9 out of 10 cows in Alberta are drunk, cannot drive a vehicle and are not allowed to breast-feed. The mad cows have organized and established a cow labour union called AAA (triple A) – Alberta Alcoholic Anonymous and are demanding equal rights such as breast silicone implants for married cows and a Red Bull for every virgin cow in the province. Bar owners in Alberta are really happy because the mad cows are taking care of all their booze. “Oh my, when it’s girls’ night out, these mad cows make a hell of a party…they keep ordering triples such as… AAA (Absinthe, Amarula and A beer), TTT (Tamarind, Tonic, Tequila), WWW (Wow, Whisky, Wow), SSS (Stout, Scotch and a Silver spoon) and BBB (Box of wine, Box of Vodka and a Beer)…” said Joe Moe owner of a bar in Calgary. It seems the international and Canadian markets will be closed for the Albertan beef and milk for awhile said beef expert and clown Ronald McDonald. The majority of bulls in Alberta are also complaining about the situation there, saying that the mad cows are demanding too much from them, and every time they go to bed the cows want to know where the beef is?

What do Canadians want in the Federal Budget?

in Canada/Economy by

The Conservatives’ 2011 budget died last week when the government fell following a non-confidence vote last Friday, clearing the way for a May election. The Conservatives said their proposed budget would live on in their election platform. Is the Conservative budget good enough for Canadians? What about the other parties? Are they ready to propose a budget which will satisfy the majority of Canadians?  We don’t think so.  Canadians deserve better! The Can is submitting a few hints and suggestions (see below) to all parties in order to have a federal budget and a platform more compatible with our population needs!

1)- FREE Beer (except for Quebec)

2)- FREE Health Care, Dental & Eye Care

3)- Independence from the British Monarchy and from the American government (don’t worry, God will save the Queen and he will bless America)

4)- If God saves the Queen, Shania Twain should be our Governor-General

5)- Bigger Big Macs

6)- Free Ipads for the boys and free Maxi pads for the girls

7)- New F-35 fighter jets to bomb Bloc Quebecois’ headquarters

8)- Free Condoms (except for Quebec)

9)- Indoors Smoking Areas (smokers pay tons of taxes and need to have a decent place to smoke)

10)- If #9 is not possible, cigarettes should be free.

11)- Less snow and hotter temperatures on weekends

12)- Female Firefighters Calendars for all

13)- Lots of snow for Quebec

14)- Mountains for Saskatchewan

15)- More people in Manitoba

16)- Free Cable TV

17)- No American teams in the NHL

18)- Free plastic bags at the Real Canadian Superstores

19)- Dissolution of Canadian Parliament for good

20)- First Nations’ Casinos in Quebec

21)- No government owned liquor stores (the booze is ours and we don’t need a middleman to control our booziness)

22)- Free Advil for all the seals in Atlantic Canada

23)- FREE Hookers (except for Quebec)

24)- More things to do in Newfoundland & Labrador

25)- Tim Horton’s outlets in Federal prisons

26)- Less rain and less gangs in B.C.

27)- No Britney Spears on the radio and no Fox News on TV

28)- Free cabs for drunk drivers

29)- Canadian citizenship for Charlie Sheen

30)- Have we mentioned FREE beer?

Elections Canada 2011 – Charlie Harper will support his brother Stiff Harper

in Canada by
The Harper Brothers

ELECTIONS CANADA 2011 – Charlie Harper will be supporting and working for Prime Minister Stiff Harper’s 2011 campaign. Charlie will be in charge of all campaign jingles and also will be organizing after hours parties for the Conservative crew. According to Charlie, a 24/7 hookers and babysitting program will be available for the Conservative party members, so everyone can have fun and get rid of the campaign stress. During an interview to The Can, PM Stiff Harper told us that he is very happy and confident with his brother’s support because he is a bi-winning guy, so Conservatives can win here (in Canada) and there (in Quebec).  “Charlie is the right person for this task and will help me beat Canada’s Two and a Half Men (Michael Ignastythief, Jack Faketon and Gilles Ducepption)” added the Prime Minister.

CFL will join NFL

in Canada/Sports by
The Can - Sports

TORONTO – The Command Centre of CFL wants its league to join the NFL – North American Football League next season.  “It’s one of the toughest calls for Canadian fans, but it will bring more emotion to the game…” said the CFL president who believes that the Canadian Football League is becoming boring because only Canadian teams have the chance to win the Grey Cup. He also said that a joint CFL-NFL league, will bring more money to Canada and make the competition even tougher, just like the NHL where a Canadian hockey team hasn’t won the Stanley Cup for 19 years. “That’s exactly what we want, make Canadians eager for winning and when the victory comes it will be glory for the entire nation!” added the president. The CFL and NFL leagues are still discussing a few other details prior to close this deal, including the new name which will replace Grey Cup and Super Bowl. “It seems that Super Blue Balls will be the new name, because it can express all the emotion and pain a Canadian football fan will go through…” said the NFL president who also commented that one of the main conditions they have accepted this joint agreement was that Regina, SK will never host a football game again.

Scientists discovered new contraceptive method

in Canada/Economy by
Son Bloc Quebecois Lotion

Scientists of the Western Ontario University – Animal Reproduction Division – announced last Tuesday that they have discovered a revolutionary contraceptive method to avoid French propagation in Canadian territory.  The new contraceptive invention is a cream lotion which is easy to use, has no side-effects and will be available at all Canadian convenience stores next year. The revolutionary lotion is called Son Bloc Quebecois and the bottle’s directions for use will be in English & Spanish only. Basically, all you need to do to avoid a French son is to rub on some of this lotion all around your penis five minutes before sexual intercourse and you, your family and the country will be safe. Tests at the Western Ontario University have proven that less than 1% of the children born through this new contraceptive method have any knowledge of the French language or Quebec’s whereabouts. Over 9% of those kids have developed an anti-Napoleon syndrome and can’t stand the smell of blue cheese. The SonBloc Quebecois lotion will be affordable to all Canadians and can also help them out against those inconvenient Bi-Lingual or French phone calls that they need to press #1 for service in English. According to the W.O.U. scientists, all you have to do is to rub some lotion around your ears before answering the phone and you won’t be able to hear any French words at all.

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