Economy

‘Vaxpons’ to hit Canadian shelves this fall 

Trudeau-backed vaccination manufacturer dips into exploding tampon market 

The Can News – Montreal, QC

Montreal-based vaccine manufacturer National Research Council (NRC) is taking advantage of a newly vibrant feminine hygiene market.

The vaccine manufacturing entity was established two years ago with the blessing of Canadian Prime Minister and vax-cult Grand Puba Justin Turdeau. A year later, the NRC announced their intentions of expanding operations. Plans were to add tampon manufacturing as a subsidiary of the organization.

The move was made in reaction to an instant doubling of the tampon market. In 2023, the Canadian government began installing blood-plug dispensers in men’s washrooms.

Called “Vaxpons,” the new NRC product will contain enough full-coverage vaccine to absorb into the skin of any entry/exit point of the human body.

NRC mouthpiece Nipstim outlines potential Vaxpon side-benefits.

“We are very excited by this technological advance in feminine hygiene options,” said NRC spokesmouth Trent Nipstim.

“We are the first to keep the public safe and COVID-free via over-the-counter cotton products. And we’re leading the world in expanding tampon usage among everyone, regardless of orifice.”

In fact, Nipstim said he was one of the first to be vaccinated through the Vaxpon.

“I’ve been using them for six months and the benefits are numerous,” he said. “I’ve only had COVID twice instead of the average three times per month. Meanwhile, I’ve regained control of my anal fissure issues; and bowel movements are as enjoyable as a pedicure.”

Vaxpon is making headline news in Canada and around the world. The Canadian government is spending millions of dollars in its Vaxpon advertising campaign nationwide, including TV, social media and printed media.

Considering the product is being marketed to a new, penis-bearing demographic, Health Canada has pre-approved Vaxpons as part of a continued effort to feminize masculinity.

Trans Bud Light ends transition: Returning to manhood

“Beer drinkers were confused by the idea of drinking a beer that didn’t identify as beer. What the hell were they drinking?” – Ron Smith, Beverage Marketing Specialist.

The Can News – St. Louis, Missouri

In the summer of 2023, beer-drinking starter kit BUD LIGHT came out of the closet to show the world its new, fresh, queer, taste and pride. Beer drinkers reacted almost immediately and Trans Bud Light’s sales plummeted.

“Beer drinkers were confused by the idea of drinking beer that didn’t identify as beer. What the hell were they drinking?” said Ron Smith, a veteran beverage industry psychological analyst.

Light-beer drinkers rejected the transition after Trans Bud Light entered the market. Many chose the slightly less-liberal brand, “Gay Beer,” with its now-famous tagline “Light as a Fairy”. Trans Bud Light went on to lose 64 per cent of its market share to the San Francisco-based competitor.

Gay Beer had long been the favourite brew among the LGB community, the only demographic among Alphabet People that drinks beer. The rest, said Smith, prefer to ruin the party, jealous that their refusal to consume gluten excludes them from the fun.

Anheuser-Busch’s US marketing chief may step down following Bud Light sales plunge

Trans Bud Light-maker Anheuser-Busch InBev struggled in the American market after a conservative-led boycott quelled their attempt to penetrate transitioning people. Drunk on their own product and high on Portland Passion mushrooms, corporate board members failed to see the consquences of their actions soon enough. Insiders suggest they were also distracted by the daily, free pole dance performances by grateful A/C to D/C dancers.

This week, the company has instructed Trans Bud Light managers to return the beer’s identity to its previous incarnation, catering to sports enthusiasts, cattlemen and heterosexual orgy organizers.

“It’s time to re-reassign Bud Light’s gender reassignment so I don’t have to resign,” said Brendan Curry, Anheuser-Busch InBev CEO. “We made a mistake. We listened to the peanut gallery and before we found out they were nuts with no nuts, it was too late.”

Anheuser-Busch InBev is spending millions of dollars trying to return Trans Bud Light back to Bud Light. This effort includes a Super Bowl 2024 advertisement featuring anti-woke comic Shane Gillis alongside retired NFL superstar Peyton Manning, UFC CEO Dana White and pop music sensation Post Malone. All were expected to have their penises intact during the new spot.

Do you think it’s gonna work? Please let us know.

To view the images below, please click on them.

American Large-Breasted Women Will Pay More Taxes

American large-breasted women will pay higher taxes when purchasing dairy products. President Donald Trump has signed an executive order targeting all women with big boobs in the United States.

Trump said that they need to pay more taxes on dairy products because they already have great milk resources, and buying more is not only wasting domestic milk derived products, but also these women are competing directly against the American dairy producers. “And it’s a shame for our local economy” adds Trump.

Journalists and other critics of the U.S. government said Trump signed that order to specifically cause financial harm to Stormy Daniels who recently put him and his credibility under scrutiny by the public opinion and the justice system.

On the other hand, American dairy farmers are celebrating the new law across the country. Ron Scow from Minnesota said that the president finally targeted the real enemies of the United States, and they are these American big-breasted women who produce 40% of the American milk and weren’t paying any taxes. “Canadian dairy farmers are just a joke comparing to these women…” added Ron.

The Can News tried to contact Stormy Daniels’ lawyer Michael AveNazy, but he is in prison at the moment for domestic violence. Confidential sources have said that he spanked his wife because she wasn’t providing enough milk for the family.

New Energetic Drink on the Market

Despite being a relatively new category in the beverage sector, energy drinks have proven to be one of the sector’s bright lights and an area of immense potential. With less than 20 years in the marketplace the category already accounts for 4% of the total Canadian soft drink market. Energy drinks are projected to lead the beverage sector in growth in per capita purchases, volume consumption and total value through 2011. The category’s traditional consumer base of young males is being expanded through aggressive marketing also targeting older males with innovative products such as Pimp Hortons – Energetic Coffee – recently launched by a large Canadian franchise chain.

Canada will export Beavers to Asia

OTTAWA – Foreign Affairs and International Trade Canada’s Office: In a continent always prepared for earthquakes, the last 8.9-magnitude temblor caught battle-hardened Japanese off guard. Now China, Japan and many other Asian countries part of the “Pacific Rim” are looking for new alternatives to avoid more damage caused by earthquakes and tsunamis in the future.  The EDC – Export Development Canada announced yesterday that they have made an agreement with the ACPR – Asian Countries of the Pacific Rim where Canada will be exporting beavers to Asia in order to try to modify the landscape of those countries so vulnerable to earthquakes and similar disasters. Beavers are famously busy, and they turn their talents to reengineering the landscape as few other animals can. When sites are available, beavers burrow on the beaches and in banks of rivers and lakes. But they also transform less suitable habitats by building dams. Felling and gnawing trees with their strong teeth and powerful jaws, they create massive log, branch, and mud structures to block streams, tsunamis and earthquakes. Beavers are among the largest of rodents. They are herbivores and prefer to eat leaves, bark, twigs, roots, aquatic plants and other stuff available in Asia, including sushi and sashimi if necessary. Beavers’ average life span in the wild or on the coast is up to 24 years (under sunscreen protection) and they are second only to humans in their ability to manipulate and change their environment.  That’s why these Asian countries are importing two and a half million beavers from Canada next month. The containers (with these precious creatures) are being loaded in B.C. under the supervision of the David Suzuki Foundation and are expected to arrive in Tokyo in the beginning of May. Canada’s government officials said it was a CDN$ 15 million charity deal sponsored by Tim Horton’s (Roll up the pacific rim campaign) and each beaver was sold to Asia for for only $5 bucks – plus applicable taxes such as GST (Government Stands against Tsunami), PST (Planning Seismic Technology) and NBA (North American Beavers in Action). With the help of our incredible beavers, Asian countries expect to have an earthquake-proof landscape built very soon and finally have their problems solved.

Mad Cow crisis in Alberta

Alberta, the largest beef producer in our country is facing another mad cow crisis.  For the first time in history, the mad cow disease wasn’t caused by a virus, but instead it was triggered by the sadness of thousands of cows in Alberta who have developed psychological problems due to the increase of interest rates on the slaughter house mortgages, which have driven them nuts (mad) and have led them to alcohol abuse as well. Nowadays, 9 out of 10 cows in Alberta are drunk, cannot drive a vehicle and are not allowed to breast-feed. The mad cows have organized and established a cow labour union called AAA (triple A) – Alberta Alcoholic Anonymous and are demanding equal rights such as breast silicone implants for married cows and a Red Bull for every virgin cow in the province. Bar owners in Alberta are really happy because the mad cows are taking care of all their booze. “Oh my, when it’s girls’ night out, these mad cows make a hell of a party…they keep ordering triples such as… AAA (Absinthe, Amarula and A beer), TTT (Tamarind, Tonic, Tequila), WWW (Wow, Whisky, Wow), SSS (Stout, Scotch and a Silver spoon) and BBB (Box of wine, Box of Vodka and a Beer)…” said Joe Moe owner of a bar in Calgary. It seems the international and Canadian markets will be closed for the Albertan beef and milk for awhile said beef expert and clown Ronald McDonald. The majority of bulls in Alberta are also complaining about the situation there, saying that the mad cows are demanding too much from them, and every time they go to bed the cows want to know where the beef is?

What do Canadians want in the Federal Budget?

The Conservatives’ 2011 budget died last week when the government fell following a non-confidence vote last Friday, clearing the way for a May election. The Conservatives said their proposed budget would live on in their election platform. Is the Conservative budget good enough for Canadians? What about the other parties? Are they ready to propose a budget which will satisfy the majority of Canadians?  We don’t think so.  Canadians deserve better! The Can is submitting a few hints and suggestions (see below) to all parties in order to have a federal budget and a platform more compatible with our population needs!

1)- FREE Beer (except for Quebec)

2)- FREE Health Care, Dental & Eye Care

3)- Independence from the British Monarchy and from the American government (don’t worry, God will save the Queen and he will bless America)

4)- If God saves the Queen, Shania Twain should be our Governor-General

5)- Bigger Big Macs

6)- Free Ipads for the boys and free Maxi pads for the girls

7)- New F-35 fighter jets to bomb Bloc Quebecois’ headquarters

8)- Free Condoms (except for Quebec)

9)- Indoors Smoking Areas (smokers pay tons of taxes and need to have a decent place to smoke)

10)- If #9 is not possible, cigarettes should be free.

11)- Less snow and hotter temperatures on weekends

12)- Female Firefighters Calendars for all

13)- Lots of snow for Quebec

14)- Mountains for Saskatchewan

15)- More people in Manitoba

16)- Free Cable TV

17)- No American teams in the NHL

18)- Free plastic bags at the Real Canadian Superstores

19)- Dissolution of Canadian Parliament for good

20)- First Nations’ Casinos in Quebec

21)- No government owned liquor stores (the booze is ours and we don’t need a middleman to control our booziness)

22)- Free Advil for all the seals in Atlantic Canada

23)- FREE Hookers (except for Quebec)

24)- More things to do in Newfoundland & Labrador

25)- Tim Horton’s outlets in Federal prisons

26)- Less rain and less gangs in B.C.

27)- No Britney Spears on the radio and no Fox News on TV

28)- Free cabs for drunk drivers

29)- Canadian citizenship for Charlie Sheen

30)- Have we mentioned FREE beer?

Scientists discovered new contraceptive method

Scientists of the Western Ontario University – Animal Reproduction Division – announced last Tuesday that they have discovered a revolutionary contraceptive method to avoid French propagation in Canadian territory.  The new contraceptive invention is a cream lotion which is easy to use, has no side-effects and will be available at all Canadian convenience stores next year. The revolutionary lotion is called Son Bloc Quebecois and the bottle’s directions for use will be in English & Spanish only. Basically, all you need to do to avoid a French son is to rub on some of this lotion all around your penis five minutes before sexual intercourse and you, your family and the country will be safe. Tests at the Western Ontario University have proven that less than 1% of the children born through this new contraceptive method have any knowledge of the French language or Quebec’s whereabouts. Over 9% of those kids have developed an anti-Napoleon syndrome and can’t stand the smell of blue cheese. The SonBloc Quebecois lotion will be affordable to all Canadians and can also help them out against those inconvenient Bi-Lingual or French phone calls that they need to press #1 for service in English. According to the W.O.U. scientists, all you have to do is to rub some lotion around your ears before answering the phone and you won’t be able to hear any French words at all.