UFC: Elon Musk calls out Brazil Judge de Moraes for MMA in-ring clash

The verbal jabs between X owner and tech innovator Elon Musk and Brazilian Supreme Court Justice Alexandre de Moraes will turn to fists, kicks and submission holds this summer.

Musk challenged the communist judicial despot to a mixed martial arts fight as a co-main event at the Mike Tyson-Jake Paul boxing event in Texas on July 20. The entire card will be broadcasted on Netflix.

De Moraes agreed to the joust immediately.

”Look at him. The flowing robes. The tyrannical glare. The bad bathing habits. The cannibal-shakes. Th-th-the man is a psychopath… “ – Elon Musk

”Only I stand between justice and peace for all equally and the tyranny of freedom,” the 6-foot, 3-inch, 218 pound pimple domed dictator said by translator at an exclusive Zoom press conference held last week.

“I am already pounding the life out of my country’s conservative swine. Mr. Musk is just one more domino to fall, like the weak-willed Mark Zuckerberg. X will be annihilated judicially or by the force of my beautifully manicured, powerful hands.”

Musk has called the phallic-headed jurist “Brazil’s Darth Vader.” De Moraes was non-plussed.

”Outside of some chronic hemorrhoid issues, I am a perfect physical specimen with substantial intellectual, virtuous and homicidal abilities. Plus, look at my power,” he said, sweeping his hand across his office like a demigod.

“Th-th-the guy is a fucking Fruit Loop,” responded Musk, who is expected to arrive to the fight sans “dad-bod” measuring 6’2” and weighing 208 pounds.

”Look at him. The flowing robes. The tyrannical glare. The bad bathing habits. The cannibal-shakes. Th-th-the man is a psychopath and I will end him faster than the heat production of a Space X flamethrower. His Honor’s penis-head will fall from its shaft on July 20.”

The Monkeys Chase the Money

Promoters of the Tyson-Paul affair stepped over starving children to get in on the Musk-de Moraes action.

”Only I stand between justice and peace for all equally and the tyranny of freedom” – Justice Alexandre de Moraes

“The battle of free speech in Brazil will take place in Texas, but also around the world via Netflix,” said Netflix spokesperson, Chuck Ittout.

“In the meantime, this one broadcast will make up for 40% of the losses we have sustained since hosting the ‘Cuties’ documentary, the murky slurry of Netflix Original content and the third season of ‘Family Ties’. Dolla bills, baby,” he said.

De Moraes (right) implemented the action after tipping the electoral scales in favor of current left-of-loony president Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva (commonly known as Lula) in Brazil’s 2022 federal election.

Meeting on the Mat

The Musk-de Moraes dust-up began when Musk refused to manipulate X’s policy as ordered by Justice de Moraes.

The judge had already wrangled control over Meta and it’s Facebook and Instagram platforms, which have since complied with de Moraes’ discriminatory mandates. Brazilian centre and right leaning residents are no longer welcome there after Meta leader Mark Zuckerberg bent the knee to Almighty Alexandre.

De Moraes implemented the action after tipping the electoral scales in favor of current left-of-loony president Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva (commonly known as Lula) in Brazil’s 2022 federal election. A protest similar to the infamous January 6 hoax in Washington, D.C. of 2021 had de Moraes throw down the anvil on every-day, lower middle class residents participating in the event. Almost 2,000 individuals politically opposed to de Moraes and Lula have been illicitly persecuted and placed in the judge’s personally-run, for-profit gulag.

Musk has threatened to enter the realm of combat sports before. An attempt to go nose-to-empty eyeballs with Zuckerberg fell apart last year after Musk’s 16th mistress had the technological prodigy’s 23rd child; a boy, Rufus Plato Musk.

Zuckerberg bowed out as well after missing several doses of his humanizing hormones for his hybrid alien-reptile-Gollum essence. He was felled with Yellowknuckle Syndrome, also known as pissed-pants fear.

Musk is confident his match against Justice de Moraes will fall his way.

”Have you seen the guy? He looks like a raw, skinned ostrich,” he stated. “I won’t lose, but if His Honor rolls in any Jiu-Jitsu troglodytes for help, we have a plan.”

Musk would not elaborate, but there have been rumours that Space X has a new non-lethal weapon in development. The ultra-sonic ray gun makes targets empty their bowels on the spot, rendering them immobile and embarrassed. X users have deemed it “The Shit Storm.”

More than 40 million Brazilians use the X platform which represents 18 per cent of all X users.

Brazil’s Darth Vader, Supreme Court Justice Alexandre de Moraes, also known simply as The Peckerhead among his peers.

TRANS-DUDES: Proud of Beating the Crap Out of Women

The Can News – Ottawa, ON

Women fought long and hard to earn equal athletic opportunities, but because of these trans-dudes, young women are forced to be spectators in their own sports. “We all know the outcome of the race before it even starts; it’s demoralizing,” says American woman, stay away from me. (by Lenny Kravitz)

The girls don’t seem to be really happy, but South Africa’s Trans-Dude Blaster Dementya doesn’t give a damn. 

Males and females are different – duh!

Is it too hard to understand? On average, men have 36% more skeletal muscle mass, according to one study. In general, males are taller, have thicker bones and have greater lung capacity than their female counterparts. Cross-hormone treatment (with all the risks and side effects such treatments entail) cannot fully suppress all these biological competitive advantages. Indeed, the entire premise behind sex-specific competition in sports is the simple scientific reality that, in general, males are stronger, faster and more physically powerful than females. As a result, if males and females are required to compete together, women will almost always lose.

Pow! Right in the kisser, bitch!

There is no excuse for a man hitting a woman, unless he thinks he is a woman…

“You’re out of your mind? It doesn’t make sense to allow men who suddenly decide they are a woman to enter sports competitions against women…” says Joe Rogan, MMA commentator.

New Zealand’s weightlifter Barrel Scabbard – Gillete Venus Ad


Don Cherry is the New Face of KFC

The Can News – Ottawa, ON

Don Cherry who was fired last week as the longtime face of Hockey Night in Canada after making controversial remarks about Opium poppies, signed today an 8-figure contract with KFC and will be the company’s new face for the next 2 years.

According to KFC, the company has been looking for a new person to replace the old Colonel Bernie Sanders (photo) since he became mentally ill in 2016.

What really happened in the Coach’s Corner? Read below the transcript released by CSIS yesterday:

Don Cherry: “You animals … you love our way of life…

The cow and the bee: “You people… you love our milk and honey, at least you could pay us a couple of bucks for that…

Don Cherry (angry): “Honey, these guys in Canada are already paying the biggest price for milk.”

Greta Thunberg (very angry): “How dare you?

48 hours later: Don Cherry was fired, Greta Thunberg left North America, and the price of milk was still very expensive in Canada.

What’s next for Coach’s Corner?

Sportsnet said it plans to take the long-running segment in a new direction, and will change its name to “Roach’s Corner”.

With the sudden dismissal of Don Cherry from Hockey Night in Canada, there is a lot of speculation about who could replace him. There are rumors former CBC – The National’s anchor Peter Personsbridge, Ronald McDonald, or Star Trek’s William Shatner, may get the job.

Englishmen – The Creators and Players of Exciting & Violent Sports

As we all know, the Englishmen are the creators and players of the most exciting & violent sports on earth. To understand and give your opinion and support about this true statement, you will need to watch this video entirely. There’s never been any other sport in the world with more action and violence then this one in the video. We hope you can watch the whole thing and give us your opinion.

WARNING: This is a very high action video that includes sudden and dramatic acceleration, climbing, tilting, dropping and backwards motion. If you had a recent surgery, have heart trouble/high blood pressure, neck trouble, back trouble or if you are pregnant, please DO NOT WATCH THIS VIDEO.



Canadian men are sexually harassed by their curling wives

Three out of four men in Canada feel they have been sexually harassed by their curling wives according to Gallup Canada Consulting. In Manitoba, the numbers are even higher and scarier, where approximately 2 and a half men plus 4 out of 5 male buffalos feel the same kind of harassment at home.

When in Manitoba last week, The Can interviewed one of the 3,452 husbands who have filled out a harassment complaint at the PMABWC – Poor Men Assaulted By Women Centre. “Always after a rough curling game, my wife goes to a bar with her teammates and comes home drunk… demanding rough sex, and forces me to go to our bed and then starts screaming in my ears: Harder! Haaarder! Haaaaaarder!! And if I don’t want to go to bed with her, she hits me very hard with the kitchen broom! It hurts a lot, you know…” said Mike Broomdodger

>> Watch the video above


Who’s the Biggest? Pele or Maradona?

SOCCER – Who is the biggest? Pele or Maradona? The world has always been seeking for the answer and finally our photographers had access to their locker rooms to find out which one of them has the best soccer package. Pretend you’re a soccer referee (not from Brazil, neither Argentina) and take a close look at the picture below where the two soccer legends reveal their soccer power. The final decision is all yours!!


Pele or Maradona?
Pele or Maradona?

CFL will join NFL

TORONTO – The Command Centre of CFL wants its league to join the NFL – North American Football League next season.  “It’s one of the toughest calls for Canadian fans, but it will bring more emotion to the game…” said the CFL president who believes that the Canadian Football League is becoming boring because only Canadian teams have the chance to win the Grey Cup. He also said that a joint CFL-NFL league, will bring more money to Canada and make the competition even tougher, just like the NHL where a Canadian hockey team hasn’t won the Stanley Cup for 19 years. “That’s exactly what we want, make Canadians eager for winning and when the victory comes it will be glory for the entire nation!” added the president. The CFL and NFL leagues are still discussing a few other details prior to close this deal, including the new name which will replace Grey Cup and Super Bowl. “It seems that Super Blue Balls will be the new name, because it can express all the emotion and pain a Canadian football fan will go through…” said the NFL president who also commented that one of the main conditions they have accepted this joint agreement was that Regina, SK will never host a football game again.