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CANADA DECLARES WAR ON SAUDI ARABIA

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Trudeau sent a very strong message to Saudi Arabia:

We’ll strike you with fire & fury using our Tweeter messages, and we will decimate you until you beg for your PJs.” said Canada’s Prime Minister.

Canada’s PM J. Trudeau has just confirmed that Canada’s twitter forces will attack Saudi Arabia at any given moment. PM Trudeau said that tweets are going to be sent straight to their souls and hearts and will eliminate all the targets.

When asked about if it was a real war or just a tweeter war, Prime Minister Trudeau said: “This is a real war against Saudi Arabia”. Trudeau also added: “We as Canadians, and Liberals believe that wars don’t need to be won. We just want that the war on words, tweeter words for example, are enough to eliminate a country which is against our principles and morals; and we will fight for that”.

CANADA SECRET WAR PLAN: The Can News’ reporters went further and beyond to find out about the secret plan: Because Canada doesn’t have any military equipment or weapons to fight a war against Saudi Arabia, the Liberals decided that the best war would be on Twitter… So, Canada has hired hundreds of Social Media Experts to fight Saudi Arabia. “Words war”, that’s what said Minister of National Defence Harjet Sings Turban.

Let’s clap our hands!!

Minority Groups Demand “White House” Name & Color Change

In a conference held in a small town in Switzerland, minority groups expressed their opinions about the “White House” name and decided that the name applied to the Washington, DC Presidential White House should be changed.

“The conference itself was not enough to decide yet what name and color the White House would have in the future, but it was helpful to point the directions it will be going in regards to its new color and name” said “Black Lives Matter” spokesperson Jay Brown.

According to our sources, the minority groups have decided on the name and color change of the presidential house in Washington, DC, because they think the name and color used since it was built is extremely racist and leans toward the white majority. “And it is not acceptable…” said the president of the USA LGBT community.

You’ll see below pictures of the minorities’ project proposals for the white house’s names and colors change. During the conference, there were some projects presented such as the Black project, the LGBT project and the Pink Girls project… Please click on the images to view the new projects presented.

Danger in the Air: Canada to Purchase 25 Old Australian Fighter Jets

Canada’s Minister of National Defence Harjet Sings Turban is a Sikh man. He has just approved the purchase of 25 old fighter jets from Australia to be added to the Canadian Air Force.

When asked by The Can News about the meaning of this incredible purchase, Mr. Turban said: “Our Liberal government had spent a lot in the Cannabis, same-sex marriage, gay parades and other important businesses, and now our military budget has been compromised”.

The Liberal government originally announced it would buy 18 used Australian F-18 jets to augment the Royal Canadian Air Force’s CF-18s until new aircraft can be purchased in the coming years.  But it has added seven more used Australian F-18 aircraft to the deal.

One of the fighter jets to be purchased from Australia were flown by Crocodile Dundee in his 1988 movie. Paul Hogan (Crocodile Dundee himself) told the Can News: “G’day! Ow ya goin’ mate?”.

The Minister of National Defence, Mr. Turban also said that these fighter jets were purchased to patrolling the air space of all elementary schools across Canada’s territory.

The lack of military fighter jets’ pilots is no longer an issue for Canada’s air space defence. We have hired school’s bus drivers with a lot of experience in drugs to fly those planes. These new pilots only smoke pot before and after their flights, but never when they’re flying. These guys are the snoop dogs of the future, they are able to spot drugs around any school zone from the air while flying over these schools” – added Mr. Turban.

 

Body Parts of Saudi Journalist Have Been Found in a Food Truck in KSA

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The body parts of murdered dissident journalist JayMight EatHis Kelloggs have been found at a food truck site in the suburbs of Riyadh, capital of the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia (KSA), a UK-based broadcaster reported on Tuesday.

According to Sky News, the Saudi journalist’s body had been “cut up” and his face “disfigured”, with the remains found inside a sandwich (Donair/Doner Kebab) sold by a food truck parked at a famous square in the the Saudi city.

The Saudi Police Crime Scene Investigators and the Coroner’s crew of forensic pathologists trained in death investigation were at the food truck’s crime scene site for evidence collection. The food truck’s freezer had several body parts clean and ready for human consumption, the police reported.

The Can News interviewed the owner of the food truck – Mr. Muhamed Meatbuyersayev, and he told our reporters that he bought all that meat (body parts) at the local street market. He also mentioned that he was not aware that the meat he purchased was the body parts of a famous person. “I always buy body parts in that market, but I have never had any problems like this one”, said Muhamed.

American Large-Breasted Women Will Pay More Taxes

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American large-breasted women will pay higher taxes when purchasing dairy products. President Donald Trump has signed an executive order targeting all women with big boobs in the United States.

Trump said that they need to pay more taxes on dairy products because they already have great milk resources, and buying more is not only wasting domestic milk derived products, but also these women are competing directly against the American dairy producers. “And it’s a shame for our local economy” adds Trump.

Journalists and other critics of the U.S. government said Trump signed that order to specifically cause financial harm to Stormy Daniels who recently put him and his credibility under scrutiny by the public opinion and the justice system.

On the other hand, American dairy farmers are celebrating the new law across the country. Ron Scow from Minnesota said that the president finally targeted the real enemies of the United States, and they are these American big-breasted women who produce 40% of the American milk and weren’t paying any taxes. “Canadian dairy farmers are just a joke comparing to these women…” added Ron.

The Can News tried to contact Stormy Daniels’ lawyer Michael AveNazy, but he is in prison at the moment for domestic violence. Confidential sources have said that he spanked his wife because she wasn’t providing enough milk for the family.

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North Korean Leader’s son sends a strong message to Barron Trump

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The son of Kim Jong-un, the young and restless Ping Pong-huh sent a strong and aggressive message yesterday to Trump’s son – Barron Trump “Little Donald”. The video message sent in Korean (watch original video above) was translated to English and published by the main stream media world wide.

Read the message transcription (by Reuters): ” If the United States don’t build a McDonalds™ here in North Korea in the next 2 months, we will strike Y’all with fury, and we will execute great vengeance upon you with furious rebukes; and you shall know that I am the LORD, when I shall lay my vengeance upon you!” said Ping Pong-huh.

Reaction of Big and Little Trump while watching the video message sent by North Korea Leader’s son.

PM Trudeau wants migrant caravan to cross into U.S.

As a caravan of some 4,000 Central American migrants rests in Juchitan, a town 700 kilometres southeast of Mexico City and still many weeks’ walk from the U.S. border, Canada’s Prime Minister Justin Trudeau told President Donald Trump yesterday that he should allow the caravan to cross into U.S. and then be able to keep walking thousands and thousands of miles more in American territory until their safe arrival in Canada.

This is the Canadian spirit, we always welcome international refugees and despite the fact that some might be terrorists, Canada is always willing to cut them a big cheque.” said Trudeau.

In case Mr. Trump accepts Trudeau’s request, the Canadian government in partnership with Tim Horton’s and the U.N. will set thousands of tents serving coffee and poutine to the migrants along their way to Canada. Tim Horton’s spokesperson Timmy Cofeeman Jr. said their company is launching 2 new products to specifically attend the caravan migrants needs: The Caravan Caramel Latte™ and Timbit of-a-Walk-Ahead Poutine™, both by Tim Horton’s.

There’s nothing more Canadian than a Timmy’s double double with poutine!” added Prime Minister Trudeau.

This dude is not doing his job.

The Can News – Ottawa, ON Canada

THIS KID WANTS A TRADE-CARTEL WAR WITH THE UNITED STATES

U.S. President Donald Trump said that Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is damaging the pot business in America by legalizing marijuana all over Canada.

Trump told The Can News yesterday that if Canada continues playing dirty games with the U.S., he will increase tariffs on all cocaine, meth and heroin exported to Canada by 87% starting next month.

This spoiled pot-head kid Justin, a follower of Bob Marley’s smoking habits, must be stopped at all costs!” said president Trump.

Canada’s Marijuana Market Now Largest In The World – Watch Video

 

 

 

Canadian Passports to have ‘X’ gender

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By the end of the month, you will be allowed to have a neutral gender on your Canadian passport and immigration documents.

The Ministry of Immigration, Refugees and Citizenship announced that a new gender designation, “X,” for those who don’t identify as male or female, will be available starting Aug. 31.

It’s the latest in a series of policy changes supported by Bill C-16, which defends the rights of transgender people and makes it illegal to discriminate based on “gender identity or expression.”

“It’s good news for all Canadians” said PM Just True Though yesterday.

Dennis Rodman could be the motive behind DPRK’s anger

Asia/Politics/World by

As Forrest Gump would say “Life is a box of chocolates, you never know what you gonna get…” and that’s what happened to North Korea’s Leader Kim Ping Pong-Huh?

Mr. Ping Pong-Huh? hosted Dennis Rodman (an American retired professional basketball player) a few times in North Korea all in the name of the basketball game to be introduced and played in that country.

According to some confidential sources, Kim Ping Pong-Huh? went way and beyond his original plans… He fell in love with the basketball player and a few days later they started sharing a room at Mr. Ping Pong-Huh?’ palace.

When the North Korean’s popular magazine “Ping Pong Foxy News” published some images of these two men in their private room wearing pink robes, our confidential sources started to investigate their relationship very deeply.

And fortunately for us, now we have a better understanding of what’s going on with Kim Ping Pong-Huh? and his madness.

DPRK’s leader have tried and tasted Dennis’ rod and can’t live without it anymore, and according to the popular saying “Once you go black, you’ll never go back”, Kim is desperate trying to keep his stud in the house. Because Dennis Rodman doesn’t stay very long in North Korea and neither goes there very often, Mr. Ping Pong-Huh? is going crazy. He’s promised that he would wear only black clothes until the end of his life, and also promised that whenever Dennis takes too long to visit him, he will launch a missile out of North Korea.

If you compare the dates of Dennis’ visits to NK and the missile launches, you will understand that everything makes sense.

Only one question: Why the White House has never thought about it, or if they have, why they’ve never told us?

 

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Australian Aborigines Makeover Edition

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Despite the good looks of Aussie celebrities like Nicole Kidman, Russell Crowe and Crocodile Dundee, the Australian government is really concerned about the image of their aborigines which maybe is turning tourists away. If you don’t know, Australian Aborigines (aka Aboriginal Australians) are those people regarded as indigenous to the Australian continent. The government of Australia have hired 125 American plastic surgeons from the AMERICAN EXTREME MAKEOVER TEAM led by Dr. John Scarface to change the faces of all aboriginals and make that country more accessible to tourists. Government officials said this morning that they are not craving perfection, but only want to let them have normal lives. “We are sure that after the makeover procedures, their appearances will not only affect their self-esteem but also their success and social life. I feel so happy for each person that gets the chance to hand their looks over to the extreme team for a makeover. Some of them were born with defects, in accidents, or are just very unfortunate looking by nature. And it has been proved that good looking people attracts more tourists. Not everyone is blessed with average features and not everyone can afford plastic surgery or dental correction” said Dr. Scarface. Check out the pictures and see how the Aussie government is improving their country’s image. Could you believe your eyes that they are the very same person, just that the right one gone through an extreme makeover process? Amazing!!

 


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Going to Antarctica?

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Before taking a trip to Antarctica, you should know some important facts. There’s nothing to do there and it’s fucking cold. Places like that can be easily found here in Canada and you don’t need to spend a lot of money to visit, such as the province of Saskatchewan (nothing to do there and it’s fucking cold too). Another cheaper option a little bit more adventurous than Saskatchewan would be the Arctic.  Here are some of the basic differences between Antarctica and the Arctic:  First of all, they are both below -50 degrees Celsius but Antarctica is colder and windier than the Arctic. The Arctic has trees and indigenous people but Antarctic does not. The Arctic has penguins and polar bears and Antarctic does not. The Arctic has Eskimos and igloos and Antarctica does not. There are towns in the Arctic but not in Antarctica – just research bases. So if you are not a researcher or a scientist, what the hell do you want to go to Antarctica for?

 

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TheCan©Beavers-in-Action

Canada will export Beavers to Asia

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OTTAWA – Foreign Affairs and International Trade Canada’s Office: In a continent always prepared for earthquakes, the last 8.9-magnitude temblor caught battle-hardened Japanese off guard. Now China, Japan and many other Asian countries part of the “Pacific Rim” are looking for new alternatives to avoid more damage caused by earthquakes and tsunamis in the future.  The EDC – Export Development Canada announced yesterday that they have made an agreement with the ACPR – Asian Countries of the Pacific Rim where Canada will be exporting beavers to Asia in order to try to modify the landscape of those countries so vulnerable to earthquakes and similar disasters. Beavers are famously busy, and they turn their talents to reengineering the landscape as few other animals can. When sites are available, beavers burrow on the beaches and in banks of rivers and lakes. But they also transform less suitable habitats by building dams. Felling and gnawing trees with their strong teeth and powerful jaws, they create massive log, branch, and mud structures to block streams, tsunamis and earthquakes. Beavers are among the largest of rodents. They are herbivores and prefer to eat leaves, bark, twigs, roots, aquatic plants and other stuff available in Asia, including sushi and sashimi if necessary. Beavers’ average life span in the wild or on the coast is up to 24 years (under sunscreen protection) and they are second only to humans in their ability to manipulate and change their environment.  That’s why these Asian countries are importing two and a half million beavers from Canada next month. The containers (with these precious creatures) are being loaded in B.C. under the supervision of the David Suzuki Foundation and are expected to arrive in Tokyo in the beginning of May. Canada’s government officials said it was a CDN$ 15 million charity deal sponsored by Tim Horton’s (Roll up the pacific rim campaign) and each beaver was sold to Asia for for only $5 bucks – plus applicable taxes such as GST (Government Stands against Tsunami), PST (Planning Seismic Technology) and NBA (North American Beavers in Action). With the help of our incredible beavers, Asian countries expect to have an earthquake-proof landscape built very soon and finally have their problems solved.

The Can - Mexico Trip Contest

WIN A TRIP TO MEXICO!

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THE CAN CONTEST – WIN AN ALL-INCLUSIVE TRIP TO MEXICO

HOW TO ENTER: Write a letter to The Can telling us how many Canadians were killed and/or kidnaped in Mexico in the last 3 years. In case of a tie, those who are related to Canadian victims in Mexico will be selected for a tie-breaker and whoever has the largest amount of relatives who died in Mexico over the past 3 years will win the prize. Disclaimer: Only Canadian residents and illegal Mexican immigrants are eligible to enter the contest and/or win the prize. Chances of winning are based on the number of stupid Canadians who go to Mexico every year, divided by the number of corrupt cops in Mexico during the summer time. Do the math dude and enjoy Mexico!!

ALL-INCLUSIVE TRIP PACKAGE PRIZE: See poster below with the details about this wonderful summer trip.

kill_bill

U.S. Secretary of State’s New Book

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U.S. Secretary of State Hilarious Clitoris has launched her new self-help book for women called Kill Bill.  The book already is America’s best seller and deals with women’s difficulties in a “male world” .  “You don’t need to sleep with your boss to succeed, as a matter of fact all you need is a stupid husband who gets a scandalous blow job and the world will feel pity for you…then, you become famous, join politics and get elected. As you can see, I didn’t need to sleep with Bill to get to the top, but I might have to put Bill to sleep if I want to become America’s first woman president…” said Hilarious Clitoris in her interview to The Can. Kill Bill is also the best-selling book in Pakistan and has got “five thumbs up yours” by Fox News last week.

NO-FLY ZONE

No-Fly Zone my ass, says Myyouare GayTough

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Myyouare GayTough
Myyouare GayTough

Libyan leader Myyouare GayTough is promising “a long war” against the international military forces that have targeted his troops with airstrikes and dozens of cruise missiles. In a phone call to The Can, Mr. GayTough says he will not let up on the rebellion in the country’s east. He said he has opened up his secret frog-weapons depots to Libyans, and said everyone there is armed and dangerous now.”  Using an offensive war strategy, Myyouare GayTough is combating the no-fly zone imposed by the allies with his own no-fly zone.  Click on the link below to watch the video with GayTough’s secret frog-weapons neutralizing the international airstrikes.

NO-FLY ZONE VIDEO – click here

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Royal Wedding – Prince William holds secret bachelor bash

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Far from the cameras of the U.K.’s voracious press, the prince bid his single life goodbye in a bachelor party reportedly held in eastern Libya over the weekend. Palace officials confirmed Monday only that the stag party — reportedly thrown by his brother and best man, Prince Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallowsween — had taken place at one of Myyouare GayTough safe houses.  “The party was amazing, lots of rebel girls from the Libyan resistance, tons of cheap oil, grenades and machine guns…Man, we had a blast!” said one of the Royal party guests. The British media has also speculated often about Kate Middleclass‘ bachelorette party plans, with one tabloid reporting that her sister Pippa The Pimp will be throwing a Dirty Dancing-themed hen party bash at the family home in Brixton, a middle class neighbourhood in London, UK.

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