Canada

Winnipeg – A Beacon for the Future

The fruits of New-Canada grow wild in Manitoba’s capital where it’s better than it looks… Really!

The Can News – Winnipeg, MB

Wake up to the future in Winnipeg.

Haven’t visited in a while? Well, it’s time to return. Our arms are as open as our southern border ready for anyone wanting a warm embrace on a blizzardly night.

Winnipeg: Vast, vigorous and virtuous. The legacy of Historical Hero Louis Riel comes alive on city streets, where free camping is available all day everyday on any public sidewalk. Stay warm on cool days with a Metis sash presented to all our visitors during their stay.

Winnipeg: Where free-range youth groups relieve guests of burdensome baggage like purses, wallets and watches.

Karen Prozac, a tourist from Portland – Oregon visiting Winnipeg, MB for the first time.

“I am amazed by the quality of life here! It’s cleaner and much safer than Portland…” says Karen.

Where hand sanitizer has replaced hand soap and masking isn’t mandatory, but don’t stand out, please.

Where Red River fecal gases keep residents alive, alert and constantly aware of their surroundings – until they’re behind the steering wheel. Where the tangle of streets begs you to stay where you are and enjoy the riverside scents and scenery. Where emergency syringes are available for use in any public park, donated by jittery, CF Polo Park Mall coffee baristas and washed clean by the magical sterilization of an Arctic winter.

Stay warm on cool days with a Metis sash presented to all our visitors during their stay.

Saving the best for last, Canada’s proud and powerful anus boasts 11 cannabis stores for every four liquor marts. When you come, come to party.

Winnipeg: Shining A Light on Socialist Sophistication

– Brought to you by the City of Winnipeg Tourism Council…. “It’s better than it looks.”

‘Vaxpons’ to hit Canadian shelves this fall 

Trudeau-backed vaccination manufacturer dips into exploding tampon market 

The Can News – Montreal, QC

Montreal-based vaccine manufacturer National Research Council (NRC) is taking advantage of a newly vibrant feminine hygiene market.

The vaccine manufacturing entity was established two years ago with the blessing of Canadian Prime Minister and vax-cult Grand Puba Justin Turdeau. A year later, the NRC announced their intentions of expanding operations. Plans were to add tampon manufacturing as a subsidiary of the organization.

The move was made in reaction to an instant doubling of the tampon market. In 2023, the Canadian government began installing blood-plug dispensers in men’s washrooms.

Called “Vaxpons,” the new NRC product will contain enough full-coverage vaccine to absorb into the skin of any entry/exit point of the human body.

NRC mouthpiece Nipstim outlines potential Vaxpon side-benefits.

“We are very excited by this technological advance in feminine hygiene options,” said NRC spokesmouth Trent Nipstim.

“We are the first to keep the public safe and COVID-free via over-the-counter cotton products. And we’re leading the world in expanding tampon usage among everyone, regardless of orifice.”

In fact, Nipstim said he was one of the first to be vaccinated through the Vaxpon.

“I’ve been using them for six months and the benefits are numerous,” he said. “I’ve only had COVID twice instead of the average three times per month. Meanwhile, I’ve regained control of my anal fissure issues; and bowel movements are as enjoyable as a pedicure.”

Vaxpon is making headline news in Canada and around the world. The Canadian government is spending millions of dollars in its Vaxpon advertising campaign nationwide, including TV, social media and printed media.

Considering the product is being marketed to a new, penis-bearing demographic, Health Canada has pre-approved Vaxpons as part of a continued effort to feminize masculinity.

Parks Canada arms up for future deer culls

Ministry of Environment seeking RPG and IED stockade following uproar over cull by chopper.

The Can News – British Columbia, Canada | Special Correspondent Donny Dingo

British Columbia residents are tearing out their sideburns over the Canadian federal government’s response to deer-cull concerns.

In December of last year, Parks Canada spent more than $830,000 to cull growing populations of fallow deer on Sidney Island, B.C. A total of 84 animals were slaughtered by three foreign marksman from the United States and New Zealand. The crew hunted by spotlight at night and by helicopter during the day armed with sub-machine weapons.

Area residents immediately denounced the ministry’s “conservation methods” saying it’s a waste of life, food and the local recreation economy.

“I’m living on welfare and have lots of spare time, so I am willing to help Parks Canada to eliminate these beasts…” said Sam Uchenko who recently moved from Ukraine to Canada and lives in a trailer park on Sidney Island, B.C.

“We coulda cleaned up those buggers in a week; less if we’re supplied beer and chewing baccy,” said “Shooter” Lou Potshot, a B.C. hunter.

“Woulda had sausage for years for anyone who wanted it. Instead them poor creatures got all ground up in a mist of blood and entrails. Bloody shame.”

Feds freshen firepower with Hamas leftovers

Ministry of Environment and Climate Derangement spokesperson Imma Vegetableau said her office has heard the concerns and are responding. The next ungulate-aggedon is scheduled for later this year or early 2025.

“If the Liberal government knows one thing, it’s how to listen to its constituents,” Vegetableau said from her Ottawa high-rise, convoy-proof home office on Monday.

“We are currently in discussions with Israelis authorities about purchasing animal-cull mechanisms confiscated from Hamas fighters. Improvised explosive devices and rocket propelled grenades are in substantial supply. We’ll be depleting the black market of weapons and cleaning up that whole horned-rat problem on Sidney Island. Two deer, one bomb so to speak.”

Parks Canada Warden Patricia Mendez with all that remains of four deer shot by submachine gun from a helicopter in December. The animals were bedded near a swamp on Sidney Island.

“These guys certainly know what they’re doing,” she said. “These animals don’t even know what hit’em. It’s awesome.”

When asked if fallen animals will be processed for human consumption, Vegetableau was confused.

“People eat those things?” she asked.

The 84 deer culled in December would have produced roughly 6500 pounds of edible protein. Instead, a total of two pounds of meat was eaten by the cull crew following a drunken bush party.

Reports are the meat was succulent, rich in fat and probably the cure for Celiac Disease.

Trudeau wants Hamas to build the underground pipelines in Canada

OTTAWA: The Canadian government is currently in negotiations with Hamas – Palestinian group of terrorists fighting to eliminate Israel – to finally start building our country’s pipelines. These pipelines are something that most Canadians have been waiting for several years. “Well, now this is not a dream anymore, because Hamas has a lot of experience building tunnels underground and they can help Canada building its pipelines”, said Trudeau.

Canada’s Prime Minister Trudeau also added that this is a very good deal for Canadians considering Canada is not paying a dime to Hamas. “We don’t have to pay them anything, all they want is to dig holes like beavers and gophers, and having a refugee status in our country and Canadian passports for each one of their fighters, their wives, their relatives, and their friends (max of 10 friends per family)” said the Canadian Minister of Infrastructure.

“These pipelines built by Hamas will only be used to transport exclusively organic products like tomatoes and marijuana…”

– Justin Trudeau

Canada’s PM Justin Trudeau told the activist and leftwing media that these pipelines will never be used for oil or gas, or any fossil fuels because Canada is going 100% green! “These pipelines built by Hamas will only be used to transport exclusively organic products like tomatoes and marijuana.” said the PM.

The radical leftwing, terrorist and separatist East-Indian, who has been banned to ever enter India again, Jagmeet Singh, leader of the communist NDP party in Canada, agrees with Trudeau and his Liberal corrupt government. “The NDP and the Liberals have an agreement, and we will keep our word!”

“We the NDP agree with Hamas building our tunnels, I mean our pipelines… We will be supporting the Liberal party as far as they understand these tunnels are only for organic products, like tomatoes, marijuana, hummus, cocaine, ham and chicken. No pork will be sent down this tunnels.”

– Jagmeet Singh,

Search for Justin Trudeau has ended, he came out of the closet this morning

OTTAWA: Canada’s Prime Minister Justin Trudeau search ends in joy. After several days missing, he was found alive and unharmed out of the closet.

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and his family have left their home in the national’s capital Ottawa for a secret location as up to 50,000 truckers gathered to protest against the country’s vaccine mandate and Covid lockdowns. Days earlier, he had called the truckers headed for the city a ‘small fringe minority’ before the convoy of thousands of vehicles grew up to 100 km long as it made its way to the capital.

Images above released by the RCMP after the Prime Minister was rescued by a Royal Canadian Airforce helicopter this morning.

“I really thought it was a ‘small fringe’, but when I saw those huge rigs and the big drivers I realized that it was something I could not control. It was the biggest display of manhood and masculinity I have ever seen and enjoyed. I felt attracted to those bearded and muscular men honking at me. That’s why I had to leave town, otherwise my wife Sophie would find out about my feelings towards those guys. And the rest is history…” – said the PM Justin Trudeau.

I really thought it was a ‘small fringe’, but when I saw those huge rigs and the big drivers… I realized that it was something I could not control…” – said Trudeau

TRUDEAU: “It was the biggest display of manhood and masculinity I have ever seen and enjoyed. I felt attracted to those bearded and muscular truckers honking at me. That’s why I had to leave town…”

Trudeau’s International Affair with France’s President Emmanuel Macron

Two hours after PM Justin Trudeau came out of the closet, the Interpol’s surveillance team released intriguing and secret photos of Trudeau-Macron international love affair to the media.

The Devious Art of Lying: The Affair with NDP’s Leader Tom Mulcair in 2016

Don’t Blame Him. The Signs Were All There.

You have two ways to sit down. The men’s way and the ladies’ way…

Gender Neutral Dialect Could Become Canada’s 3rd Official Language

Canada’s Minister of Diversity, Inclusion and Youth, Hon. Kitchendish MoveslikeJagger announced yesterday that the Liberal government will be introducing Bill C-69-4U2 in the House of Commons next month in order to amend the “Official Languages Act”, which could make the “Gender Neutral Dialect” another official language in Canada.

Most political scientists are saying that the Liberals will probably have the support of the NDP, Green Party and some Conservatives to get Bill C-69-4U2 passed in the parliament.

Once this bill is passed and approved by the Senate as well, the “Gender Neutral Dialect” will become part of the “Official Languages Act” and will be recognized as one of Canada’s official languages, henceforth the new language will be officially called “Transcreepy“.

Transcreepy /tranz ?kr?p?/ adjective: relating to Canada or its people or language. | noun: One of Canada’s official languages, widely used in many varieties throughout the LGBTQRSTUVXZ world community.

After becoming a Canadian official language, Transcreepy will be taught in all daycare facilities, elementary and trades schools, colleges and universities across Canada, including Quebec.

HOW THE NEW LANGUAGE WILL AFFECT CANADIANS

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau told us during an interview that Canada will be investing $3.2 billion on the introduction plan of its new official language. This initial investment will cover expenses such as administrative, infrastructure, educational, promotional and juridical costs necessary to implement all these changes in the public and private sectors, like including the Transcreepy language on the labels of all products made in Canada, road and street signs, Federal Election Leaders’ Debates, government premises, websites and correspondence, among several others. 

All traffic warning signs across Canada will be trilingual. The signs should display all warnings in French, English and Transcreepy, as shown in this picture.

“Oh Lord, as if the French language wasn’t gay enough, now they come up with this?” said uncle J. Billy – retired man & hoarder – Thompson, Manitoba


ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW TO SURVIVE IN THE MODERN WORLD

Well, learning this new language is the easiest part, you can sign up for Transcreepy classes at any public educational facility. Classes are free of charge when you donate any used women’s clothes, a makeup kit or lipsticks to help the Canadian Drag Queen Association in Nova Scotia.

Gender-Neutral Pronouns – Definition & Examples Chart. Click on image to enlarge it.

Learning Transcreepy is not the only thing you need to do in order to survive in this modern world. In reality, the most difficult challenge will be trying to identify the person/people who you are going to use Transcreepy to communicate with. Usually it is easy to identify people who speak other languages by just relying on their physical appearance, for example when you see a white Asian guy eating with chopsticks without dropping the sushi on the table, you will know right away that guy probably speaks Japanese, Chinese or Korean. Or when you go for that morning walk and spot a big nose guy exhibiting feminine mannerisms while holding a fresh baguette under his arm, you know that man speaks French. But turns out to be a whole different ball game and nearly impossible to identify non-binary or gender neutral people who speak Transcreepy, because it doesn’t have anything to do with their appearance. Since you can’t just ask them who or what they are, in order to identify them you will need to be able to read their minds to find out who they “think” they are. “And even if you are able to read their minds and identify them today, tomorrow they might think they are someone else…” says the American illusionist Criss Angel – The Mindfreak.

…in order to identify them you will need to be able to read their minds to find out who they “think” they are.” says the American illusionist Criss Angel – The Mindfreak.

If you are not a mind reader, there is another way to approach them and find out who they “think” they are at that specific moment. First, keep in mind that it’s not a good idea to ask strangers about their pronouns or sexual preferences. Even though it feels like the right thing to do, be aware that you might be asking someone to out themselves as trans, pedo, zoophilic or nonbinary – which they may not feel comfortable doing, depending on the situation. (Imagine having this conversation in a place other than a mental institution.) Instead, you could start a conversation about pronouns by sharing your own: “Hi, I’m Tracy, my pronouns are she/her and I love having sex with younger men.” The first time can be a little awkward, but chances are good that you’re not nearly as socially inept as you believe you are.

"al'ashkhas aldhyn yatahadathun hadhih allughat yastahiquwn qate rawwasihm!"

People who speak this language deserve to have their heads chopped off!” said Khalil Muhammachete – Iman at the Mississauga’s Islamic Centre in Ontario.

Khalil Muhammachete - Iman of the Missisauga's Islamic Centre

Greta Thundericeberg considered the natural choice to replace Scheer

Ottawa, ON | The Can News

Scheer announced his decision at a surprise caucus meeting before heading into the House of Commons. His resignation comes as a direct result of new revelations that he was using Conservative Party money to pay for his children’s private schooling, according to Conservative sources who spoke with the Can News.

Scheer resigned today and his children will start attending residential school next week.

Scheers’ kids were attending private school because he doesn’t trust the public system, and thought it was time for his children to get ahead. Unfortunately for him, now his children are in custody of Canada’s Social Services and they will start attending residential school next week.

We need to isolate these children from the bad influence of their father…” said Ramadan Hussein – Minister of Families, Children and Social Development.

After cheating in the 2017 CPC leadership race, Scheer celebrates his victory under a rain of 141,000 destroyed ballots, making an official recount unlikely.

WHY IS SHE THE NATURAL CHOICE TO REPLACE HIM AS THE PARTY LEADER?

Greta and Andrew Scheer have lots in common says a Conservative MP

Moments after Andrew Scheer announced Thursday his intention to resign as Conservative party leader, speculation turned to who will replace him.

According to Rona AmhomeDepose – former interim leader of the Conservative Party – Greta Thundericeberg has been considered the natural choice to replace Andrew Scheer as the party leader. “Greta is young and there are a lot of similarities between her and Andrew…” said Rona.

During an interview earlier today, Andrew Scheer commented that Ms. Thundericeberg will have his 100% support. “It’s time for her to get ahead!” said Mr. Scheer.

But what Greta and Andrew have in common? Almost everything.

Scheer told Greta: “Hey girl, it’s time for you to get ahead.”

Here’s a small list of their similarities:

  • They are young and both are not fit for the position they occupy
  • They both think children should not attend public school
  • They’ve never really worked outside politics
  • Neither of them is an insurance broker
  • They are both political puppets
  • She cheated at school and he cheated at the CPC leadership race
  • They both want to keep Canada under the Paris Agreement
  • She lies. He lies too.
  • They hate winter, otherwise she’d stay in Sweden and he’d stay in SK
  • They both have problems answering off-script questions
  • He has dual citizenship. She has dual personality.
  • They both despise Donald Trump (well… all Liberals do.)
The international mascot for climate alarmism and the CPC mascot for the 2019 elections

Regardless of the predictions, Andrew Scheer is moving on and will likely enjoy a well-earned rest with his family and friends over the holidays. The last several weeks must have been hell for him, and few people realize just how brutal, demoralizing and exhausting life in politics can be. We suspect the outgoing leader will wake up tomorrow having a terrible hangover after having several beers with his buddies this evening. (photo below)

Andrew Scheer having a boys’ night out with his buddies at the “No Bacon Grill & Beard” on Clarence Street in Ottawa, ON.

Trudeau’s New Cabinet: As useless as male nipples

The Can News | Ottawa, ON

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced last week the new members of Cabinet following the swearing-in ceremony. The new cabinet is excessively large, useless and not as diverse as you could imagine.

Justin Trudeau pretending he is inspecting the honour guard

Racial and Gender Breakdown of Trudeau’s New Cabinet

Despite its enormous size, the new cabinet not only lacks diversity but also competence. It may look pretty and colourful at first, but 30 out of the 37 ministers are white, and for that reason some critics refer to it as “white-supremacist cabinet”.

Photo: Member of the LGBTQ2STUVXZ community gets angry after learning that Trudeau’s new cabinet is non-inclusive.

The new cabinet is also male-dominated, including 19 men and only 18 women, and if that wasn’t enough there aren’t any gays, transgenders, pedophiles or zoophiles in Trudeau’s cabinet. Unless some of the ministers are still hiding in the closet (or cabinet). The lack of gender diversity in the new cabinet roster had infuriated the LGBTQ2STUVXZ community in Canada.

Even my cabinet is more colourful and inclusive than Trudeau’s… said Leo Varadkar, Ireland’s Prime Minister (photo)

Who’s who in Justin Trudeau’s 2019 cabinet

The Can News has compiled below some facts and curiosities about 16 of the 37 members of cabinet. We didn’t want to waste our time writing about the other 21 ministers. Don’t worry, even Trudeau doesn’t know all of them.

Chrystia Freakland

Minister of Prime Minister’s Short Term Affairs

Her job is to keep all the PM’s short-term extramarital affairs as discreet as possible.

Bill Moroneau

Minister of Finance & Budget Balances Itself

He wasn’t happy leaving Canada with a $19 billion deficit and now he’s back to make it bigger than ever. Damage Level: Woman’s shopping spree

Jessica Yaniv

Minister of the Human Rights Tribunal, Transgenders & Brazilian Wax

The twisted Twitter celebrity brings a complete package for Brazilian Waxing and vast experience in the B.C. tribunals.

LeNoir LeBlanc

Minister of the Queen’s Private Parts Council

He will be performing this important and difficult task, facilitating all Lieutenant Governors’ jobs.

Cunterine McKenna

Minister of Infrastructure and Communities

As the Minister of Climate Change she couldn’t build anything, but now she has the license to build everything she wants (unlimited carbon emissions).

Inspector David Clouseau

Minister of Justice & Attorney General

A decade ago, meningitis left Mr. Clouseau mute, deaf and blind, making him the ideal candidate to replace Jody Wilson-Raybould.

Bardish Kitchendish

Minister of Diversity, Inclusion and Youth

She will make sure that our youth & children are always exposed to diversity and porn at school.

HairHid Shazam!

Minister of International Defence

Once again, his job is to keep Canada’s borders always open and welcoming, and protect international minorities and refugees.

Joyce Betray

Minister of Digital Government

She is in charge of the deep state and the government’s dark web, hiding all criminal and illegal activities the PM is engaged in.

Jean-Yves Saint Laurent

Minister of Wine & Cheese Board

Chef Jean is also an experienced sommelier who takes care of Trudeau’s private parties aboard the  Royal Canadian Air Force jet.

Monalisa Bombardier

Minister of Middle Class Disparity

Getting our middle class even more screwed is part of her game. She’ll increase and introduce new taxes such as incumming tax and bare assets tax.

Pablo Al Pacino

Leader of Government in Hollywood

He is the connection between Trudeau and the climate activist celebrities in Hollywood.

Debit Schulte

Minister of Senior Hoarders

She is the mastermind behind the new tax for seniors. From now on, seniors will be taxed $5 (non-deductible) for every pound of hoarding items.

Climatean Wilkinson

Minister of Environment and Climate Change

He has the impossible mission of fighting a losing battle with mother nature. So he will keep wasting our money attending the Paris Accord meetings.

MarIran Monsef

Minister of Women, Gender Equality, & Rural Economic Development

Her job is to promoting Canadian women migration to rural areas where more development is needed while keeping transgenders safe in the big cities.

Old Red Riding Hood Bennet

Minister of Crown, Bridges & Dentures for Indigenous Communities

Former Minister of Public Health and dentist, Dr. Bennet will take care of our indigenous’ oral health.

BREAKING: Poop Thrower Behind PM’s Blackface Scandal

by The Can News | Toronto, ON | November 27th 2019

Shitzuel Opoku, 28, was arrested near Queen Street West and Spadina Avenue on Tuesday evening, after allegedly throwing multiple buckets of liquefied fecal matter on people over the past few days.

Police say the man threw feces on people inside libraries at both the University of Toronto and York University over the last week.

Police earlier this week released photos of serial shit-thrower Shitzuel Opoku who was arrested on Tuesday evening. – Toronto Police Service

PM Trudeau was his first victim

Shitzuel Opoku also confessed to the Toronto police that his first attack happened several years ago. When he was a kid he threw a bucket full of black shit on young Justin Trudeau’s face. Shitzuel’s mother used to work as a maid for the Trudeau family when the attack took place. Mr. Opoku said the young Justin used to mistreat his mother using racial slurs towards her.

“I threw a lot of my own black shit on his face, so he could feel what’s like to have a black face…” added Mr. Opoku. The incident was not reported to the police at the time because of the fear of political repercussions against the Trudeaus.

Toronto Police released today the “crime blueprint” drawn by Mr. Opoku before attacking Trudeau several years ago.

During an exclusive interview to The Can News today, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau confirmed Shitzuel Opoku’s story and apologized for not telling the truth when the blackface scandal emerged last September.

Trudeau apologizing to Shitzuel for the racial slurs used towards his mother in the past.

“You know, I thought it would be better for my image during the campaign, if I was called ‘blackface racist’ instead of ‘shitface’. Today I regret it, and I appologize for that…” said Mr. Trudeau.

Shitzuel Opoku leaving Toronto Courthouse today after being sentenced to carry out unpaid work at the Toronto Zoo, cleaning up as much as 1,300 pounds of elephant dung a day.
Shitzuel Opoku leaving Toronto Courthouse today after being sentenced to carry out unpaid work at the Toronto Zoo, cleaning up as much as 1,300 pounds of elephant dung a day.

Don Cherry is the New Face of KFC

The Can News – Ottawa, ON

Don Cherry who was fired last week as the longtime face of Hockey Night in Canada after making controversial remarks about Opium poppies, signed today an 8-figure contract with KFC and will be the company’s new face for the next 2 years.

According to KFC, the company has been looking for a new person to replace the old Colonel Bernie Sanders (photo) since he became mentally ill in 2016.

What really happened in the Coach’s Corner? Read below the transcript released by CSIS yesterday:

Don Cherry: “You animals … you love our way of life…

The cow and the bee: “You people… you love our milk and honey, at least you could pay us a couple of bucks for that…

Don Cherry (angry): “Honey, these guys in Canada are already paying the biggest price for milk.”

Greta Thunberg (very angry): “How dare you?

48 hours later: Don Cherry was fired, Greta Thunberg left North America, and the price of milk was still very expensive in Canada.


What’s next for Coach’s Corner?

Sportsnet said it plans to take the long-running segment in a new direction, and will change its name to “Roach’s Corner”.

With the sudden dismissal of Don Cherry from Hockey Night in Canada, there is a lot of speculation about who could replace him. There are rumors former CBC – The National’s anchor Peter Personsbridge, Ronald McDonald, or Star Trek’s William Shatner, may get the job.

Danger in the Air: Canada to Purchase 25 Old Australian Fighter Jets

Canada’s Minister of National Defence Harjet Sings Turban is a Sikh man. He has just approved the purchase of 25 old fighter jets from Australia to be added to the Canadian Air Force.

When asked by The Can News about the meaning of this incredible purchase, Mr. Turban said: “Our Liberal government had spent a lot in the Cannabis, same-sex marriage, gay parades and other important businesses, and now our military budget has been compromised”.

The Liberal government originally announced it would buy 18 used Australian F-18 jets to augment the Royal Canadian Air Force’s CF-18s until new aircraft can be purchased in the coming years.  But it has added seven more used Australian F-18 aircraft to the deal.

One of the fighter jets to be purchased from Australia were flown by Crocodile Dundee in his 1988 movie. Paul Hogan (Crocodile Dundee himself) told the Can News: “G’day! Ow ya goin’ mate?”.

The Minister of National Defence, Mr. Turban also said that these fighter jets were purchased to patrolling the air space of all elementary schools across Canada’s territory.

The lack of military fighter jets’ pilots is no longer an issue for Canada’s air space defence. We have hired school’s bus drivers with a lot of experience in drugs to fly those planes. These new pilots only smoke pot before and after their flights, but never when they’re flying. These guys are the snoop dogs of the future, they are able to spot drugs around any school zone from the air while flying over these schools” – added Mr. Turban.

 

How Canada’s New Marijuana Laws Could Affect You

This photo shows you exactly what happens when potheads take their dog & kid for a walk.

Don’t expect potheads to take care of your lawn or your snow shovelling when you need it, because they are just potheads living their dreams. Not yours!

If you really want their help, just call them if you wish to be confined with them in a very small room while you guys are smoking a few salmons. That’s it!

 

Brutal Beating Of Woman’s Beaver in Small Town Saskatchewan

The brutal beating death of a woman’s beaver outside a bar in Wolseley town is sparking outrage, as the Can News reports:

Two drunk women in the small town of Wolseley, SK Canada met outside a bar and decided to go for a fight. Several local people were around them and were watching their fight.

The women’s fight on the street was just like a bloody Roman gladiator fight said Ceaser MacAroni.

“They were pushing their beavers against each other… Just like a fight between bush against bush.” added Mr. MacAroni.

USASK – University of Saskatchewan’s veterinary scientists have examined the dead bushy beaver and told us that the woman wearing the Calgary Stampede jersey during the fight was the one who had her beaver dead during the fight. They also added that they can’t say exactly when her beaver died, it could be because of the street fight, or because of her beaver’s rotten condition and/or health negligence as well. “Her beaver stinks a lot!” said one of the USASK Vet scientists.

RCMP and other authorities will be investigating this case.

Keep in touch with us to get the latest news!

 

 

 

 

Canada tightening borders against Muslims

Minister of Immigration, Refugees and Citizenship for the Government of Canada – The Honourable Ahmed D. Hussen (nephew of Saddam Hussein) revealed today that Canada will toughen security along the Canadian border, including all ports of entry (POE) such as airports, seaports, riverports, streamports, creekports, roads and rail crossings on a land border.

>> Watch video above: An agent of the Canada Border Services Agency (CBSA), fluent in both English and Arabic, gives a very rough time to a muslim who was just arriving in Canada. You will see in this video above that only after a very meticulous checking on the suspicious man, the Canadian officer was confident enough to let him into Canada.

Minister of Immigration, Refugees and Citizenship for the Government of Canada – Ahmed D. Hussen

Ahmed also announced he had ordered tough new security screening for refugee claimants, which is already increasing backlogs at entry points, and added: “I am a muslim myself from Somalia where things are very rough, and I don’t want this kind of people entering Canada. Not today, not tomorrow.”

Canadian men are sexually harassed by their curling wives

Three out of four men in Canada feel they have been sexually harassed by their curling wives according to Gallup Canada Consulting. In Manitoba, the numbers are even higher and scarier, where approximately 2 and a half men plus 4 out of 5 male buffalos feel the same kind of harassment at home.

When in Manitoba last week, The Can interviewed one of the 3,452 husbands who have filled out a harassment complaint at the PMABWC – Poor Men Assaulted By Women Centre. “Always after a rough curling game, my wife goes to a bar with her teammates and comes home drunk… demanding rough sex, and forces me to go to our bed and then starts screaming in my ears: Harder! Haaarder! Haaaaaarder!! And if I don’t want to go to bed with her, she hits me very hard with the kitchen broom! It hurts a lot, you know…” said Mike Broomdodger

>> Watch the video above

 

PM Trudeau wants migrant caravan to cross into U.S.

As a caravan of some 4,000 Central American migrants rests in Juchitan, a town 700 kilometres southeast of Mexico City and still many weeks’ walk from the U.S. border, Canada’s Prime Minister Justin Trudeau told President Donald Trump yesterday that he should allow the caravan to cross into U.S. and then be able to keep walking thousands and thousands of miles more in American territory until their safe arrival in Canada.

This is the Canadian spirit, we always welcome international refugees and despite the fact that some might be terrorists, Canada is always willing to cut them a big cheque.” said Trudeau.

In case Mr. Trump accepts Trudeau’s request, the Canadian government in partnership with Tim Horton’s and the U.N. will set thousands of tents serving coffee and poutine to the migrants along their way to Canada. Tim Horton’s spokesperson Timmy Cofeeman Jr. said their company is launching 2 new products to specifically attend the caravan migrants needs: The Caravan Caramel Latte™ and Timbit of-a-Walk-Ahead Poutine™, both by Tim Horton’s.

There’s nothing more Canadian than a Timmy’s double double with poutine!” added Prime Minister Trudeau.

This dude is not doing his job.

The Can News – Ottawa, ON Canada

THIS KID WANTS A TRADE-CARTEL WAR WITH THE UNITED STATES

U.S. President Donald Trump said that Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is damaging the pot business in America by legalizing marijuana all over Canada.

Trump told The Can News yesterday that if Canada continues playing dirty games with the U.S., he will increase tariffs on all cocaine, meth and heroin exported to Canada by 87% starting next month.

This spoiled pot-head kid Justin, a follower of Bob Marley’s smoking habits, must be stopped at all costs!” said president Trump.

Canada’s Marijuana Market Now Largest In The World – Watch Video

 

 

 

J. Conehead is the new NDP Leader

Jag Meets the Conehead (on the picture with his lovely family), the first turban-wearing Sick to sit in Ontario’s legislature, will now lead a federal political party with his victory in the NDP leadership race on Sunday.

Mr. Conehead, 38, won on the first ballot Sunday, taking 53 per cent of the vote to top MPs Charlie Angus, Niki Ashton and Guy Caron.

Jag Meets the Conehead has represented the riding of Bramalea-Gore-Malton at Queen’s Park since 2011. The unmarried MPP served as the Ontario NDP’s critic for justice and consumer services before party leader Andrea Horwath named him her deputy in 2015.

Although he is a Sick man by religion and a Conehead by birth/blood he promises to bring the NDP (Neo-Communist Disguised Party) back to its feet in the next election.

So, if you are a socialist or communist (or just don’t like to work), keep your fingers crossed because the Orange could be the new Black!

Canadian Passports to have ‘X’ gender

By the end of the month, you will be allowed to have a neutral gender on your Canadian passport and immigration documents.

The Ministry of Immigration, Refugees and Citizenship announced that a new gender designation, “X,” for those who don’t identify as male or female, will be available starting Aug. 31.

It’s the latest in a series of policy changes supported by Bill C-16, which defends the rights of transgender people and makes it illegal to discriminate based on “gender identity or expression.”

“It’s good news for all Canadians” said PM Just True Though yesterday.

Mad Cow crisis in Alberta

Alberta, the largest beef producer in our country is facing another mad cow crisis.  For the first time in history, the mad cow disease wasn’t caused by a virus, but instead it was triggered by the sadness of thousands of cows in Alberta who have developed psychological problems due to the increase of interest rates on the slaughter house mortgages, which have driven them nuts (mad) and have led them to alcohol abuse as well. Nowadays, 9 out of 10 cows in Alberta are drunk, cannot drive a vehicle and are not allowed to breast-feed. The mad cows have organized and established a cow labour union called AAA (triple A) – Alberta Alcoholic Anonymous and are demanding equal rights such as breast silicone implants for married cows and a Red Bull for every virgin cow in the province. Bar owners in Alberta are really happy because the mad cows are taking care of all their booze. “Oh my, when it’s girls’ night out, these mad cows make a hell of a party…they keep ordering triples such as… AAA (Absinthe, Amarula and A beer), TTT (Tamarind, Tonic, Tequila), WWW (Wow, Whisky, Wow), SSS (Stout, Scotch and a Silver spoon) and BBB (Box of wine, Box of Vodka and a Beer)…” said Joe Moe owner of a bar in Calgary. It seems the international and Canadian markets will be closed for the Albertan beef and milk for awhile said beef expert and clown Ronald McDonald. The majority of bulls in Alberta are also complaining about the situation there, saying that the mad cows are demanding too much from them, and every time they go to bed the cows want to know where the beef is?