Feature

UFC: Elon Musk calls out Brazil Judge de Moraes for MMA in-ring clash

The verbal jabs between X owner and tech innovator Elon Musk and Brazilian Supreme Court Justice Alexandre de Moraes will turn to fists, kicks and submission holds this summer.

Musk challenged the communist judicial despot to a mixed martial arts fight as a co-main event at the Mike Tyson-Jake Paul boxing event in Texas on July 20. The entire card will be broadcasted on Netflix.

De Moraes agreed to the joust immediately.

”Look at him. The flowing robes. The tyrannical glare. The bad bathing habits. The cannibal-shakes. Th-th-the man is a psychopath… “ – Elon Musk

”Only I stand between justice and peace for all equally and the tyranny of freedom,” the 6-foot, 3-inch, 218 pound pimple domed dictator said by translator at an exclusive Zoom press conference held last week.

“I am already pounding the life out of my country’s conservative swine. Mr. Musk is just one more domino to fall, like the weak-willed Mark Zuckerberg. X will be annihilated judicially or by the force of my beautifully manicured, powerful hands.”

Musk has called the phallic-headed jurist “Brazil’s Darth Vader.” De Moraes was non-plussed.

”Outside of some chronic hemorrhoid issues, I am a perfect physical specimen with substantial intellectual, virtuous and homicidal abilities. Plus, look at my power,” he said, sweeping his hand across his office like a demigod.

“Th-th-the guy is a fucking Fruit Loop,” responded Musk, who is expected to arrive to the fight sans “dad-bod” measuring 6’2” and weighing 208 pounds.

”Look at him. The flowing robes. The tyrannical glare. The bad bathing habits. The cannibal-shakes. Th-th-the man is a psychopath and I will end him faster than the heat production of a Space X flamethrower. His Honor’s penis-head will fall from its shaft on July 20.”

The Monkeys Chase the Money

Promoters of the Tyson-Paul affair stepped over starving children to get in on the Musk-de Moraes action.

”Only I stand between justice and peace for all equally and the tyranny of freedom” – Justice Alexandre de Moraes

“The battle of free speech in Brazil will take place in Texas, but also around the world via Netflix,” said Netflix spokesperson, Chuck Ittout.

“In the meantime, this one broadcast will make up for 40% of the losses we have sustained since hosting the ‘Cuties’ documentary, the murky slurry of Netflix Original content and the third season of ‘Family Ties’. Dolla bills, baby,” he said.

De Moraes (right) implemented the action after tipping the electoral scales in favor of current left-of-loony president Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva (commonly known as Lula) in Brazil’s 2022 federal election.

Meeting on the Mat

The Musk-de Moraes dust-up began when Musk refused to manipulate X’s policy as ordered by Justice de Moraes.

The judge had already wrangled control over Meta and it’s Facebook and Instagram platforms, which have since complied with de Moraes’ discriminatory mandates. Brazilian centre and right leaning residents are no longer welcome there after Meta leader Mark Zuckerberg bent the knee to Almighty Alexandre.

De Moraes implemented the action after tipping the electoral scales in favor of current left-of-loony president Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva (commonly known as Lula) in Brazil’s 2022 federal election. A protest similar to the infamous January 6 hoax in Washington, D.C. of 2021 had de Moraes throw down the anvil on every-day, lower middle class residents participating in the event. Almost 2,000 individuals politically opposed to de Moraes and Lula have been illicitly persecuted and placed in the judge’s personally-run, for-profit gulag.

Musk has threatened to enter the realm of combat sports before. An attempt to go nose-to-empty eyeballs with Zuckerberg fell apart last year after Musk’s 16th mistress had the technological prodigy’s 23rd child; a boy, Rufus Plato Musk.

Zuckerberg bowed out as well after missing several doses of his humanizing hormones for his hybrid alien-reptile-Gollum essence. He was felled with Yellowknuckle Syndrome, also known as pissed-pants fear.

Musk is confident his match against Justice de Moraes will fall his way.

”Have you seen the guy? He looks like a raw, skinned ostrich,” he stated. “I won’t lose, but if His Honor rolls in any Jiu-Jitsu troglodytes for help, we have a plan.”

Musk would not elaborate, but there have been rumours that Space X has a new non-lethal weapon in development. The ultra-sonic ray gun makes targets empty their bowels on the spot, rendering them immobile and embarrassed. X users have deemed it “The Shit Storm.”

More than 40 million Brazilians use the X platform which represents 18 per cent of all X users.

Brazil’s Darth Vader, Supreme Court Justice Alexandre de Moraes, also known simply as The Peckerhead among his peers.

Kamala Harris left abortion clinic, but her baby didn’t survive

Ms. Harris is the first US Vice-President to have an abortion in American history.

The Can News – Twin Cities, MN

US Vice-President Kamala Harris had a planned abortion Thursday in the Twin Cities, MN becoming the first vice-president ever to do so. Considering all the other past vice-presidents were men and they weren’t pregnant, it really was an historic moment!

While White House officials say they have largely reached the limits of their power to protect “women rights”, Kamala’s abortion has emerged as a linchpin of their re-election strategy.

Before her abortion procedure, Ms. Harris toured the clinic and delivered an emotional speech saying she was doing it for the country, and also because her baby had genetic Anencephaly (a serious birth defect in which a baby is born without parts of the brain – in this case, just like his mother).

“We already have Joe Biden, so I think we don’t need another slow person in the White House,” she added.

“We already have Joe Biden, so I think we don’t need another slow person in the White House.” – US Vice President Kamala Harris.

Photo: Vice-President Kamala Harris being examined prior her in-clinic abortion procedure

When entering the abortion room, Kamala Harris was faced with the difficult decision to choose among the abortion methods available at the clinic such as saline, D&C, D&E, vacuum aspiration, and the abortion pill. After some thought, she decided to go with the vacuum aspiration method.

“I wanted a very clean and quick procedure… When I saw a big Dyson vacuum cleaner at the corner of the room, I said, ‘That’s it!’ It was a no-brainer,” – Kamala Harris said with a cackled laugh.

I wanted a very clean and quick procedure… When I saw a big Dyson vacuum cleaner in the corner of the room, I said, ‘That’s it! ‘ It was a no-brainer.” – Kamala Harris.

FUN FACT: Minnesota has become a haven for abortion seekers since the Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade, ushering in restrictive laws and bans in neighbouring states. The Society of Family Planning, a health research organization, found that the average number of abortions in the state increased by about 76 percent in the year after the Supreme Court decision.

Are you a Conservative or a Liberal? Take our QUIZ and find out where you land on the poli-spectrum

Instructions: Please pick only ONE answer for each question (A or B). Note your answers then determine the results of your analysis at the bottom of the page.

#1: If you were or are a homosexual, you…

Answer A or B (only one option)

A. Quietly lead your life with or without a partner. It’s your being, not your identity. Sure, you might sip your tea with your pinky up or talk with a feminine lisp, but you rarely – if ever – discuss your sexual preferences in social situations. You simply don’t make a big deal about it. In other words, you are a balanced, productive, happy, caring, compassionate and humble member of society.

B. Like to shock people, show them you are something special and demand respect. Everyone must know you are homosexual, a member in good standing of the Self-Victimization Association. You demand legislated respect. Missing a Pride Parade? And miss an opportunity to walk the streets partially or fully nude? Are you kidding? You carry a literal LGBTQ+ member card and flash it in the face of everyone you call “homophobe.” Considering it’s your favorite defense mechanism – even in an argument over a parking spot – the card is used on the daily. Finally, you don’t have kids, but school board meetings are your primary social justice warrior target, demanding that pornographic LGBTQ+ books be included in the Elementary School curriculum. Preferably your own, hand-drawn cartoon flip book at a tidy price of $10 per book. That’s a profit.

#2: If you were or are an atheist, you…

Answer A or B (only one option)

A. Are a non-believer, don’t go to church. You might be wary of religion, but pastors, priests, reverends, imams are just people working a job. To you, they are not the tip of the sword for God in your community. You believe they are servants to their followers; though you shake your head at some of the things “church-people” say. Like, “You played with your rock band at a bar last night? The devil’s music? You know, back in Jesus’s day, we could have stoned you for that.” (True story).

B. Want to go tell it on the mountain, that God isn’t real. Someone mentions prayer in an anecdote, and you want to pull the hair out of your nostrils. “HE DOESN’T EXIST!” you scream, wailing and moaning like you are already in Hell. No one can mention the Almighty One. Government bureaucrats and politicians who use God in their speeches work for the devil you don’t believe in. To you, the Bible is a work of fiction, written in cold, candle-lit caverns by munks with opium addictions. There’s no point in reading it. The language in the book alone is as clear as frozen windshield in an ice storm. Finally, those religious folks; they’re so silly and naive. Who thinks a 2000-year-old cult is still relevant? That’s why you make fun of all Christians, but Muslims are untouchable. They’re reaction to opposition lean to the permanently dead side.

#3: If you were or are a vegetarian, you…

Answer A or B (only one option)

A. Just don’t eat meat. The only time you talk about it is when an acquaintance asks while out to dinner. Even at that, the conversation on the topic is short and inconsequential. When someone asks, “How’s the grazing going?” you laugh at the joke as you bite into a delicious vegetarian pork rind.

B. Make sure everybody knows you are a vegetarian and they should be a herbivore too. Whenever you see someone eating meat, they MUST know that it’s not good for their health, the environment, the moon and some parts of the cosmos. You want all meat products banned, including dogs and the Northern Canadian delicacy, beaver tail. Finally, meat-ban protests in front of restaurants and supermarkets are your only social activities. If you’re not beating meat, you are part of the problem.

#4: If you were or are a black person, you…

Answer A or B (only one option)

A. Know you are black, but never think about it. You have thoughts, experiences and problems everyone else of any color has; work to do, bills to pay, spouses to keep happy, surviving a day of heavy bloating caused by a bad taquito from 7-Eleven. Yes, there have been injustices committed to black people by white society during the world-wide slavery period, but that was a long time ago. It does not affect your daily activities. Like your parents/grandparents, your family has left it all behind since the Civil Rights Movement and aim to build a new, inclusive society for everyone. Your birth-land is North America. You have never been to Africa and think being called an “African-Canadian” is moronic. Two hundred years of generational Canadian citizenship is what you value; regardless of what finely-quaffed, fancy-socked Prime Minister is destroying your country.

B. Are obviously a victim of the white supremacy, allowing you the relief of no responsibility for your actions. Someone bumps into you in the elevator: Black oppression. A banker asks for your credit rating for a loan application: Black oppression. You wish R/C Cola still existed: Black oppression. You apply for every university and corporation holding racial staffing quotas. You think it’s the only way to knock off the Asian applicants.

As far as you know, only white people owned slaves and you refuse to believe they were purchased from Black African tribes. You ignore the fact that in North America, white people were integral to their liberation. Meanwhile, back “home” in Africa, the slave trade is vast and growing. Nevertheless, you are the victim who deserves reparations. “Dollar bills, Mofo.” Your regular use of the victim-card is enhanced by your VIP membership to BLM. All the money you have donated to the organization was used to develop a better society via rioting and looting. The money is not used for BLM leadership mansions, luxury cars and a lifetime supply of Cheetos.

#5: If you were or are a white person, you…

Answer A or B (only one option)

A. Know you are white, but never think about it. You have thoughts, experiences and problems everyone else of any color has; work to do, bills to pay, spouses to keep happy, surviving a day of heavy bloating caused by a bad taquito from Taco Bell. You compete, work and provide for your family despite racist hiring quotas and virtuous white women in high, powerful positions. Sure, it’s not fair, but complaining won’t do anything about it. “Lady-Bosses” don’t speak “mansplaining.” It’s obvious to you that the majority-white population may impact governmental policy, but feel that “white-supremacy” died with acid rain and the hole in the ozone layer. North America, Europe and Australia’s white majority welcomes and interacts with based, productive, legal immigrants regardless of skin tone. It’s more important for you to survive in a squeezed, middle-class economy where bread is now itemized in your tight budget. Race doesn’t come to mind as you ply your trade.

B. Hate being white and you identify as an Afro-Canadian or First Nations. You weep in guilt regularly because your ancestors lived alongside slavery and the Indian Act. Whether they participated in the tragedies is irrelevant. History is lost on you and any suggestion that black slaves were murdered by Africa’s ruling tribes instead of being sold and shipped to North America is deemed conspiracy. You abhor “cultural appropriation” but have no problem donning an Indian headdress or an African tunic to show your support. The colour of your skin automatically makes you responsible for tragedies that happened in 1820. The line of historic racism is drawn straight to you, and you wear that guilt like eyeliner on a third-rate Los Angeles hooker. Reparations are warranted, but that’s for the rich to pay. You’re guilty, but not that guilty.

#6: If you care for the environment, you…

Answer A or B (only one option)

A. Like to fish, hike, hunt, garden, camp and so much more to get outside, all while conserving the environment around you. All trash either stays on the passenger seat of your car or hits a gas station garbage bin. Pissing in a river is not a big deal, but raw communal sewage dumps are a travesty. You dream of building a cabin in the woods and living off the land, hunting and fishing for food. You believe your government fees for hunting and fishing are spent on wildlife management practices that include population control. Finally, you are disgusted by the Canadian government’s method of culling deer; a process that included a helicopter, three marksmen and sub-machine guns. Cannons must be used as flyswatters in Ottawa.

B. Love Greta Thunberg and think she is the most knowledgeable and influential person in the climate change industry. All of your Green Peace, PETA and Green Party memberships are up-to-date, moving you to scream bloody murder whenever you hear hunters legally harvesting an animal. “Meat is murder,” you yell. Other mottos include, “Humans are the problem,” “Leave Earth to the animals,” and “Your lattes are way too expensive. By the way, is that soy milk?” “Climate Change” started in 1900 and the world has never seen such an existential threat. Any statistics showing climate constantly evolving in a rhythmic pattern through its billions of years of existence are ignored. The proof is in a “hockey-stick” graph that looks like someone spilled coffee on it and adjusted the ink. Finally, anyone who does not believe what’s happening is a “climate denier” deserving a public hanging from the nearest old-growth Maple tree. The tree takes its revenge for their sacrilegious ideas and a deadly carbon footprint that suggests you vape methane right out of a cow’s ass.

#7: If you were or are a pot smoker, knowing it’s legal to do it in Canada, you…

Answer A or B (only one option)

A. Smoke your pot discretely by yourself or with friends. It might be a lifestyle choice, but it’s no different than a shot of Whispering Prick rye-whiskey; a social lubricant that isn’t necessarily required in every scenario, but it’s certainly more fun. You may not notice you smell like skunk, but are conscientious enough to freshen your clothes for others who can smell it. Smoking weed out of an apple-pipe is desperate and unnecessary to you. Snorting kief in the privacy of your own office, however, is acceptable.

B. You scream about consuming pot more than you actually smoke it. You have a pot leaf patch on all of your jackets and the tattoo on your back says, “I Bleed Weed.” You jump down the throat of anyone who asks you not to imbibe in public. “It’s my fucking medicine, man,” you say despite being in perfect health. “You think I’m an asshole now, wait til you see me sobre.” Everyone must know the benefits of the cannabis lifestyle. The drug is legal in Canada, so everyone should be smoking it! Those who refuse are probably touched with Downs Syndrome, of which weed also provides benefits with its miracle THC and CBD properties.

#8: If you (were) are born in Quebec, would you want to separate your province from the rest of Canada?

Answer A or B (only one option)

A. NO. The rest of Canada has become a fantastic financier for your French-socialist wet dreams. Giving up that is like throwing out a freshly-made plate of poutine.

B. YES. Canadians hate the French. It’s obvious. They won’t speak the language in Elbow, Sask. so it’s plainly obvious the Quebecois are lesser-than the rest of the country. We can experience our socialist wet dreams in our own country by milking our Laurentian oligarchs.


You are a moderate person who prefers the comfort of a seat on the fence. Your parties of choice next election are the CPC (Conservative Party of Canada), or maybe the LP (Liberal Party). Either way, very little changes in Canada when either one of the uni-party takes the House of Commons.

You are definitely left-wing and don’t know what family really means yet. Your party is the LP, the NDP and/or the Green Party.

You lean to the right, but not too far, making your party of choice the CPC. Remember, you are not a fully-sorted conservative person yet… But keep moving in the right direction and you should be voting for the People’s Party of Canada (PPC).

You lean to the right and you are almost there if you want to become a conservative at heart. Your parties are the CPC or maybe the PPC.

You are very left-wing always seeking government support. Your party is the NDP. The party is run by strong, young vibrant terrorist/separatist Jagmeet Singh. Elect him and all trade with India ends due to his banning in that country. On the positive side, universal basic income and free abortions on Thursdays.

You are a socialist person for sure. You like enjoying the freebies from the government, and working is something that is not in your plans… Your parties are the NDP and the Liberal Party.

You are almost a real conservative 100%! If you keeping going this way, your party is the PPC. But if you suddenly decide that all abortions should be legal, your party is the CPC or the LP.

IMPORTANT NOTES:

  • QUESTION #7: No matter if you answered A or B to question #7, you are a pot lover. However, if you have more A’s than B’s, your party could be the Libertarian Party of Canada or the PPC party. If you have more B’s than A’s your party could be the Liberal Party or the Conservative Party. If you have answered 4/4 you are a pothead, and should stay out of politics. Just remember, you only vote NDP if all your answers are B.
  • QUESTION #8: If you answered YES (B) to question #8 regardless of what you answered to the previous questions, you are still a FUCKING separatist! Vote Bloc Quebecois. Considering you don’t want to be Canadian, this Quiz is NOT for you. We’ve just wasted your time. You are welcome!
  • If the RESULTS have shown that you are a conservative, we bet you are going to forward this quiz to your friends so they can have a good laugh. But if you are a liberal you’re probably not reading this far. If you are, fuck off. We know you are already “offended.” Run along now, and tell everyone how bigoted TCN’s content is. Either way, it’s advertising. Spread the word.
  • SUBSCRIBE to The Can News and receive more fun quizzes and polls in your email inbox.

‘Vaxpons’ to hit Canadian shelves this fall 

Trudeau-backed vaccination manufacturer dips into exploding tampon market 

The Can News – Montreal, QC

Montreal-based vaccine manufacturer National Research Council (NRC) is taking advantage of a newly vibrant feminine hygiene market.

The vaccine manufacturing entity was established two years ago with the blessing of Canadian Prime Minister and vax-cult Grand Puba Justin Turdeau. A year later, the NRC announced their intentions of expanding operations. Plans were to add tampon manufacturing as a subsidiary of the organization.

The move was made in reaction to an instant doubling of the tampon market. In 2023, the Canadian government began installing blood-plug dispensers in men’s washrooms.

Called “Vaxpons,” the new NRC product will contain enough full-coverage vaccine to absorb into the skin of any entry/exit point of the human body.

NRC mouthpiece Nipstim outlines potential Vaxpon side-benefits.

“We are very excited by this technological advance in feminine hygiene options,” said NRC spokesmouth Trent Nipstim.

“We are the first to keep the public safe and COVID-free via over-the-counter cotton products. And we’re leading the world in expanding tampon usage among everyone, regardless of orifice.”

In fact, Nipstim said he was one of the first to be vaccinated through the Vaxpon.

“I’ve been using them for six months and the benefits are numerous,” he said. “I’ve only had COVID twice instead of the average three times per month. Meanwhile, I’ve regained control of my anal fissure issues; and bowel movements are as enjoyable as a pedicure.”

Vaxpon is making headline news in Canada and around the world. The Canadian government is spending millions of dollars in its Vaxpon advertising campaign nationwide, including TV, social media and printed media.

Considering the product is being marketed to a new, penis-bearing demographic, Health Canada has pre-approved Vaxpons as part of a continued effort to feminize masculinity.

Continued Biden gaffes put Democrats on corpse-abuse notice

‘Mexican president Mitterand told me he’ll open Gaza for the free flow of hummus.’ – US President Snooze-Button Biden

The Can News – Washington, DC

US President Joe “Snooze-Button” Biden – America’s first sitting, unalive leader – is not feeling well.

Although already dead when the Democrat Party pushed him as presidential nominee in 2020, his condition has declined to the point where handlers can’t get him to walk, talk or think of anything other than Rocky Road ice cream. Political talk-holes across the country are saying it’s no different than when former President and High Grand MAGA Puba Donald Trump misspeaks. In Biden’s case, many media outlets suggest that making fun of the elderly – no matter how alive – was subhuman.

“Trump is still fair game,” one noted. “He’s old, but he ain’t dead yet.”

Meanwhile, the Democratic Party apparatchik remains committed to propping up Snooze-Button’s corpse for another five years. Conservative tongue twirlers say the party has become a political cult with no ethical or moral standards.

Biden recently confused the terrorist group, Hamas, with the Middle Eastern condiment dip, hummus; a thick dip or spread made from ground chickpeas, sesame seeds, olive oil, lemon, and garlic.

When asked for clarification, he responded, “Huh? C’mon, man? I can spell Bob. There’s an ‘A,’ an ‘O,’ and a ‘C.’ Whaddya think I’m stupid. Top of my college class, buddy.”

Bidens begin dirt-bed preparations

The Biden family and friends are selling Snooze-Button-themed memoir and music recording, “A Momentary Lapse of Memory” to raise funding for a yet-to-be scheduled funeral. Rumors currently suggest

Donations to the noble cause can be made at biden_funeral.com. The Biden’s family has already thanked supporters of the fundraiser with a statement saying this will enable them to put new flooring in their Nantucket mansion.

Democrats are seeking a more powerful preservative to ensure his availability through the 2024 U.S. Election this fall, however.

Regardless of which direction Lifeless Joe is foisted, we at The Can News, sincerely wish the very best to the sitting, dead President of the United States. We also hope the Democratic Party alongside its secret cabal of puppeteers decide to allow Snooze-Button to punch that alarm clock one last time so he can rest in peace.

Speculators have already come up with a shortlist of candidates to replace him should Democrats decide his smell becomes unbearable. In the running are Kahlua-loving U.S. Vice-President Kamala Harris; anti-white, white businessman Mark Cuban; and the ghost of 1970s prop comic Gallagher.

Trans Bud Light ends transition: Returning to manhood

“Beer drinkers were confused by the idea of drinking a beer that didn’t identify as beer. What the hell were they drinking?” – Ron Smith, Beverage Marketing Specialist.

The Can News – St. Louis, Missouri

In the summer of 2023, beer-drinking starter kit BUD LIGHT came out of the closet to show the world its new, fresh, queer, taste and pride. Beer drinkers reacted almost immediately and Trans Bud Light’s sales plummeted.

“Beer drinkers were confused by the idea of drinking beer that didn’t identify as beer. What the hell were they drinking?” said Ron Smith, a veteran beverage industry psychological analyst.

Light-beer drinkers rejected the transition after Trans Bud Light entered the market. Many chose the slightly less-liberal brand, “Gay Beer,” with its now-famous tagline “Light as a Fairy”. Trans Bud Light went on to lose 64 per cent of its market share to the San Francisco-based competitor.

Gay Beer had long been the favourite brew among the LGB community, the only demographic among Alphabet People that drinks beer. The rest, said Smith, prefer to ruin the party, jealous that their refusal to consume gluten excludes them from the fun.

Anheuser-Busch’s US marketing chief may step down following Bud Light sales plunge

Trans Bud Light-maker Anheuser-Busch InBev struggled in the American market after a conservative-led boycott quelled their attempt to penetrate transitioning people. Drunk on their own product and high on Portland Passion mushrooms, corporate board members failed to see the consquences of their actions soon enough. Insiders suggest they were also distracted by the daily, free pole dance performances by grateful A/C to D/C dancers.

This week, the company has instructed Trans Bud Light managers to return the beer’s identity to its previous incarnation, catering to sports enthusiasts, cattlemen and heterosexual orgy organizers.

“It’s time to re-reassign Bud Light’s gender reassignment so I don’t have to resign,” said Brendan Curry, Anheuser-Busch InBev CEO. “We made a mistake. We listened to the peanut gallery and before we found out they were nuts with no nuts, it was too late.”

Anheuser-Busch InBev is spending millions of dollars trying to return Trans Bud Light back to Bud Light. This effort includes a Super Bowl 2024 advertisement featuring anti-woke comic Shane Gillis alongside retired NFL superstar Peyton Manning, UFC CEO Dana White and pop music sensation Post Malone. All were expected to have their penises intact during the new spot.

Do you think it’s gonna work? Please let us know.

To view the images below, please click on them.

‘Chucky’ Jean-Pierre Now Identifies as Nine-Year-Old, White Boy

Gay, black White House Press Secretary assumes new personality to battle contentious media gallery. Deems all anti-Biden questions as child abuse. 

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Frustrated by a growing chorus of negative presidential media coverage, White House Press Secretary Chucky Jean-Pierre (his previous name is now dead), has come out as an infantilist.
 
Besides being gay, female and black, the embattled spokesperson claimed on Friday he is a precocious, nine-year-old, white boy with all of its “privilege and acclaim, including your lack of respect for questioning anything I say, you meanies,” he said during his reveal in front of the White House Press Corp.
 
“I have been deprived of the true privilege I deserve of a white person due to the color of my skin,” said Jean-Pierre, who has incorporated a novel wardrobe of jumpsuits, long-sleeve tee-shirts and two mini-potatoes for his boxer-briefs. “Don’t let my vagina fool you. Just because the stick isn’t there doesn’t mean I don’t have balls. And I can prove it.”
 
Jean-Pierre paid particular attention to long-time rival and Fox News White House correspondent Pretty Peter Doocy during her announcement.
 
“And you, Mister,” he said, flipping a middle finger in Doocy’s direction. “Suggest I’m a liar again and we’ll take it to the playground sumo-style. I’m now a three-time victim; I’m gay, I’m black and I’m an undersized, white boy. But I’ll still take you down, Douchy.”

President Snooze-Button not concerned about Chucky’s evolution

An hour later, United States President Snooze-Button Biden mumbled, burped and gagged when asked about Jean-Pierre’s announcement.

“Always knew that girl had balls. It’s why I hired her in the first place. Plus her hair smelled like fresh tuna,” Biden said before entering his helicopter for his daily Dippin Dots treat.

“Now she’s a he, what about it, man? C’mon. The only loss I see is I can’t smell that hair anymore. Mhmmm. Fresh, natural tuna.”

Some political analysts suggest this is a keen political move considering a rumor that voter laws will allow all humans within American borders on election day to cast a vote.

“They might be chasing that new, key five-to-nine year old demographic, which is smart,” said former Democratic strategist, Rick Ratface. “Why do you think the President is seen eating ice cream all the time? I think that was an important signal that they are one step ahead of the Republicans in making the U.S. a world leader again; through the bendable will of our youth.”

Trudeau wants Hamas to build the underground pipelines in Canada

OTTAWA: The Canadian government is currently in negotiations with Hamas – Palestinian group of terrorists fighting to eliminate Israel – to finally start building our country’s pipelines. These pipelines are something that most Canadians have been waiting for several years. “Well, now this is not a dream anymore, because Hamas has a lot of experience building tunnels underground and they can help Canada building its pipelines”, said Trudeau.

Canada’s Prime Minister Trudeau also added that this is a very good deal for Canadians considering Canada is not paying a dime to Hamas. “We don’t have to pay them anything, all they want is to dig holes like beavers and gophers, and having a refugee status in our country and Canadian passports for each one of their fighters, their wives, their relatives, and their friends (max of 10 friends per family)” said the Canadian Minister of Infrastructure.

“These pipelines built by Hamas will only be used to transport exclusively organic products like tomatoes and marijuana…”

– Justin Trudeau

Canada’s PM Justin Trudeau told the activist and leftwing media that these pipelines will never be used for oil or gas, or any fossil fuels because Canada is going 100% green! “These pipelines built by Hamas will only be used to transport exclusively organic products like tomatoes and marijuana.” said the PM.

The radical leftwing, terrorist and separatist East-Indian, who has been banned to ever enter India again, Jagmeet Singh, leader of the communist NDP party in Canada, agrees with Trudeau and his Liberal corrupt government. “The NDP and the Liberals have an agreement, and we will keep our word!”

“We the NDP agree with Hamas building our tunnels, I mean our pipelines… We will be supporting the Liberal party as far as they understand these tunnels are only for organic products, like tomatoes, marijuana, hummus, cocaine, ham and chicken. No pork will be sent down this tunnels.”

– Jagmeet Singh,

Study: Getting Kicked in the Balls Hurts More than Childbirth says University Professor

Studies at the University of Calgary, Canada have shown that women across the world have been exaggerating their pain when it comes to childbirth…

The Can, Calgary AB, Canada

Studies at the University of Calgary, Canada have shown that women across the world have been exaggerating their pain when it comes to labour.

In a recent study led by Dr. Thomas Ballsy – Calgary University, 250,167 women have been interviewed worldwide about their pain during labour. At the same time, Dr. Ballsy interviewed 261,051 men around the world about their pain when getting their balls kicked in.

This study by Dr. Thomas Ballsy have shown us that “Getting kicked in the balls hurts more than childbirth” is creating a debate, addressing controversial issues, and mostly, causing conflicts between husbands and wives worldwide.

When I had my balls kicked by my spouse, I had to go for serious psychologic treatments… These sessions costed me a fortune and I still can’t figure out what she was trying to do with my balls… The pain was unforgetful…

  • Jon Dylan

Although, the majority of women around the world say the childbirth’s pain is the worst one in the world, the majority of the men interviewed said that there is no pain like being kicked in the balls.

In order to finalize his studies, Dr. Thomas Ballsy had to ask a fundamental question to these 2 groups of people (men and women). He asked them only one question, and the question was the same for both men and the women.

Ahh! Aaaaaah! I hate my hubby for putting this child inside me! Peter, my darling, please tell my husband I don’t want to see him ever again!” she said…

Dr. Thomas Ballsy asked the women:

Would you ever have a child again?

73% responded: YES

Then Dr. Ballsy asked the men:

Would you ever have your balls kicked again?

100% responded: NO

According to all this research done by the University of Calgary, we The Can can finally conclude that there is no pain like a kick in the balls!! That’s all for now folks!

After all these answers, there is no need for more controversial issues, we are on the same boat, and I will kick you in the balls and make your girlfriend pregnant! Woo-hoo, Willie!

  • Nelson Ned

Nelson Ned

Search for Justin Trudeau has ended, he came out of the closet this morning

OTTAWA: Canada’s Prime Minister Justin Trudeau search ends in joy. After several days missing, he was found alive and unharmed out of the closet.

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and his family have left their home in the national’s capital Ottawa for a secret location as up to 50,000 truckers gathered to protest against the country’s vaccine mandate and Covid lockdowns. Days earlier, he had called the truckers headed for the city a ‘small fringe minority’ before the convoy of thousands of vehicles grew up to 100 km long as it made its way to the capital.

Images above released by the RCMP after the Prime Minister was rescued by a Royal Canadian Airforce helicopter this morning.

“I really thought it was a ‘small fringe’, but when I saw those huge rigs and the big drivers I realized that it was something I could not control. It was the biggest display of manhood and masculinity I have ever seen and enjoyed. I felt attracted to those bearded and muscular men honking at me. That’s why I had to leave town, otherwise my wife Sophie would find out about my feelings towards those guys. And the rest is history…” – said the PM Justin Trudeau.

I really thought it was a ‘small fringe’, but when I saw those huge rigs and the big drivers… I realized that it was something I could not control…” – said Trudeau

TRUDEAU: “It was the biggest display of manhood and masculinity I have ever seen and enjoyed. I felt attracted to those bearded and muscular truckers honking at me. That’s why I had to leave town…”

Trudeau’s International Affair with France’s President Emmanuel Macron

Two hours after PM Justin Trudeau came out of the closet, the Interpol’s surveillance team released intriguing and secret photos of Trudeau-Macron international love affair to the media.

The Devious Art of Lying: The Affair with NDP’s Leader Tom Mulcair in 2016

Don’t Blame Him. The Signs Were All There.

You have two ways to sit down. The men’s way and the ladies’ way…

Fauci: U.S. Forces should not be sent to Ukraine until all Russian troops are “fully vaccinated”

Fully vaccinated and masked soldiers ready to leave U.S. soil

CDC’s Dr. Anthony Fauci strongly urges President Biden to not send U.S. Forces to Ukraine until all Russian troops are “fully vaccinated” and “double-masked”.

Washington, DC: Tensions have soared in recent weeks, as the United States and its NATO allies expressed concern that a buildup of about 100,000 Russian troops near Ukraine signaled that Moscow planned to invade its ex-Soviet neighbour.

During a press conference this morning, Dr. Anthony Fauci – Chief Medical Advisor to the President of the United States said this is not the best time for the U.S. military engage in a war against Russia. According to Dr. Fauci, Russia is not following the ROE-19 (Covid – Rules of Engagement) protocols implemented by the CDC last November. Currently, 95% of Russian troops are not double-vaccinated and 100% of their military personnel won’t wear masks in case of a war.

“This war could be unfair and ugly if Russia refuses to follow the CDC guidelines. Going to a war against the Russians under these circumstances could open the doors for new Covid variants, and put American soldiers’ lives at unnecessary risk in overcrowded field hospitals in the war zone. And I don’t think our soldiers are prepared for this kind of ordeal…” said Dr. Fauci.

“American troops could be decimated by maskless and unvaccinated Russian soldiers even before the first shot is fired…” added Dr. Fauci.

Dr. Anthony Fauci also recommended that in case of a war, troops must keep their 6ft social distance at all times before, during and after battles. “The worst thing that can happen during a war is having our troops coughing or sneezing around the enemies. And if you don’t have a tissue, cough or sneeze into your elbow, not your hands, soldier!” – Faucy commented.

Fauci: American troops could be decimated by maskless and unvaccinated Russian soldiers even before the first shot is fired…

ROE-19 Sanitary Guidelines

As per ROE-19 sanitary guidelines, all military weapons and equipment (except for weapons of mass destruction) must be cleaned and sanitized at all times. In addition to routine cleaning, these armaments must be kept 6ft away from enemies. Shared spaces such as barracks, buffer zones, dugouts and trenches should be cleaned and disinfected more often using surface virucidal disinfectants, such as 0.05% sodium hypochlorite (NaClO) and products based on ethanol. 

The U.S. Department of Defense’s spokesperson told The Can News that they will review Dr. Fauci’s recommendations and the ROE-19 protocols prior to sending the troops to Ukraine. “During war times, “safety” is our major concern…” said the DOD spokesperson.

“Mother Russia’s soldiers will only take shots of vodka, and that’s not negotiable…” – said Vladimir Putin

Photos below: Fully-vaccinated and masked, American troops are following all ROE-19 protocols

CANADA TO FOLLOW DR. FAUCI’S WAR GUIDELINES

Photo: Canada’s Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and Dr. Theresa Tam during a press conference this afternoon

Ottawa: Canada’s Chief Public Health Officer Dr. Theresa Tam just confirmed that Canada will be following Dr. Anthony Fauci’s ROE-19 protocols and will not send their troops to Ukraine until all Russian soldiers are fully-vaccinated and completely masked.

“It’s a risk we are not willing to take…” said Dr. Tam.

Dr. Tam went even further to say that Canadian troops engaged in a war will also be required to wear masks during sexual intercourse in the barracks and/or trenches. “You know, casual sex is very common in times of war. Doesn’t matter if your partner is a rank above you or below you, or if your partner likes being on the top, or under… the important thing is that all military sexual partners should wear masks during sex despite the number of partners involved… it could be just a couple of soldiers, or a senior officers’ threesome, or even an army swing party…who knows?”

Watch below Dr. Theresa Tam’s video explaining the importance and effectiveness of wearing a mask during sex intercourse.

Video credit: Ben Bankas – Dr. Theresa Tam’s video explaining the importance and effectiveness of wearing a mask during sex intercourse.

> Click here to go to The Can News home page

Study: Mask Use Prevented Covid-19 From Spreading In The Wild West

According to recent scientific studies completed at the University of California that were led by Professor PhD. MD D.Sc. D.M.Sc M.P.H. M.S.Chem. MMed Dr. James Coroner, the continuous use of mask by cowboys and bad guys in the Old West was the key to prevent the coronavirus spreading among our ancestors.

The scientific research has also shown that bullets killed more people in the Wild West than Covid-19 and pneumonia combined. Another factor that helped prevent the spread was the practice of social distancing during gunfights, said Prof. Coroner.

Tombstone’s Newspaper ad from 1870

Elections 2020: Joe Biden’s TV Ad Targets Swing and Threesome Voters

Watch Joe Biden’s TV ad below.

Joe Biden’s TV Ad targets swing and threesome voters

BREAKING: Hunter Biden’s Laptop Was Used To Pay Off Outstanding Debt At Crack House

The Can News – Delaware, U.S.A.

Hunter Biden’s laptop computer was left by him at a Crack House as payment for his outstanding drug debt one week before it was dropped off by someone else at a Delaware’s repair shop in April 2019. (Scroll down to read more…)

Crack House in the suburbs of Delaware where Hunter Biden left his laptop as payment for his outstanding debt.
Crack House’s basement where Hunter Biden’s drug dealer was living in 2019

According to our sources, the mysterious man who left the MacBook Pro laptop at the repair shop was Mr. Thomas Giggles, a.k.a. Tommy Crackhead. Tommy was under the influence when he visited the repair shop, and he though it was a pawn shop and was trying to get $1,000 for the computer. The repair shop’s owner told Mr. Crackhead that he would be charged $2,000 to get the laptop fixed, and that is why Tommy ran away from the repair shop and left the computer behind.

“Dude, for real… I thought I was in a pawn shop, not a f…ing computer repair joint…” – said Thomas Giggles, a.k.a. Tommy Crackhead who collected Hunter Biden’s laptop as payment.

Both the computer and hard drive were seized by the FBI in December, after the shop’s owner says he alerted the feds to their existence.

Hunter Biden’s MacBook Pro laptop seized by the F.B.I. in December 2019
One of Hunter Biden’s photos recovered from his laptop in December 2019

Documentary shows why U.S. President refused aid from Australian PM during COVID-19 crisis

A new Netflix™ short documentary shows why the United States’ president refused aid from Australian prime minister during COVID-19 crisis.

© Documentary created by Kacey Baker/Bay Rock Films and produced by Netflix™

Watch the documentary below and find out why the American president couldn’t accept help from the Aussie prime minister.

WATCH BELOW THE SHORT DOCUMENTARY “STAY HOME SAFE”

STAY HOME SAFE  – New documentary created by Bay Rock Films and produced by Netflix™

Gender Neutral Dialect Could Become Canada’s 3rd Official Language

Canada’s Minister of Diversity, Inclusion and Youth, Hon. Kitchendish MoveslikeJagger announced yesterday that the Liberal government will be introducing Bill C-69-4U2 in the House of Commons next month in order to amend the “Official Languages Act”, which could make the “Gender Neutral Dialect” another official language in Canada.

Most political scientists are saying that the Liberals will probably have the support of the NDP, Green Party and some Conservatives to get Bill C-69-4U2 passed in the parliament.

Once this bill is passed and approved by the Senate as well, the “Gender Neutral Dialect” will become part of the “Official Languages Act” and will be recognized as one of Canada’s official languages, henceforth the new language will be officially called “Transcreepy“.

Transcreepy /tranz ?kr?p?/ adjective: relating to Canada or its people or language. | noun: One of Canada’s official languages, widely used in many varieties throughout the LGBTQRSTUVXZ world community.

After becoming a Canadian official language, Transcreepy will be taught in all daycare facilities, elementary and trades schools, colleges and universities across Canada, including Quebec.

HOW THE NEW LANGUAGE WILL AFFECT CANADIANS

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau told us during an interview that Canada will be investing $3.2 billion on the introduction plan of its new official language. This initial investment will cover expenses such as administrative, infrastructure, educational, promotional and juridical costs necessary to implement all these changes in the public and private sectors, like including the Transcreepy language on the labels of all products made in Canada, road and street signs, Federal Election Leaders’ Debates, government premises, websites and correspondence, among several others. 

All traffic warning signs across Canada will be trilingual. The signs should display all warnings in French, English and Transcreepy, as shown in this picture.

“Oh Lord, as if the French language wasn’t gay enough, now they come up with this?” said uncle J. Billy – retired man & hoarder – Thompson, Manitoba


ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW TO SURVIVE IN THE MODERN WORLD

Well, learning this new language is the easiest part, you can sign up for Transcreepy classes at any public educational facility. Classes are free of charge when you donate any used women’s clothes, a makeup kit or lipsticks to help the Canadian Drag Queen Association in Nova Scotia.

Gender-Neutral Pronouns – Definition & Examples Chart. Click on image to enlarge it.

Learning Transcreepy is not the only thing you need to do in order to survive in this modern world. In reality, the most difficult challenge will be trying to identify the person/people who you are going to use Transcreepy to communicate with. Usually it is easy to identify people who speak other languages by just relying on their physical appearance, for example when you see a white Asian guy eating with chopsticks without dropping the sushi on the table, you will know right away that guy probably speaks Japanese, Chinese or Korean. Or when you go for that morning walk and spot a big nose guy exhibiting feminine mannerisms while holding a fresh baguette under his arm, you know that man speaks French. But turns out to be a whole different ball game and nearly impossible to identify non-binary or gender neutral people who speak Transcreepy, because it doesn’t have anything to do with their appearance. Since you can’t just ask them who or what they are, in order to identify them you will need to be able to read their minds to find out who they “think” they are. “And even if you are able to read their minds and identify them today, tomorrow they might think they are someone else…” says the American illusionist Criss Angel – The Mindfreak.

…in order to identify them you will need to be able to read their minds to find out who they “think” they are.” says the American illusionist Criss Angel – The Mindfreak.

If you are not a mind reader, there is another way to approach them and find out who they “think” they are at that specific moment. First, keep in mind that it’s not a good idea to ask strangers about their pronouns or sexual preferences. Even though it feels like the right thing to do, be aware that you might be asking someone to out themselves as trans, pedo, zoophilic or nonbinary – which they may not feel comfortable doing, depending on the situation. (Imagine having this conversation in a place other than a mental institution.) Instead, you could start a conversation about pronouns by sharing your own: “Hi, I’m Tracy, my pronouns are she/her and I love having sex with younger men.” The first time can be a little awkward, but chances are good that you’re not nearly as socially inept as you believe you are.

"al'ashkhas aldhyn yatahadathun hadhih allughat yastahiquwn qate rawwasihm!"

People who speak this language deserve to have their heads chopped off!” said Khalil Muhammachete – Iman at the Mississauga’s Islamic Centre in Ontario.

Khalil Muhammachete - Iman of the Missisauga's Islamic Centre

Greta Thundericeberg considered the natural choice to replace Scheer

Ottawa, ON | The Can News

Scheer announced his decision at a surprise caucus meeting before heading into the House of Commons. His resignation comes as a direct result of new revelations that he was using Conservative Party money to pay for his children’s private schooling, according to Conservative sources who spoke with the Can News.

Scheer resigned today and his children will start attending residential school next week.

Scheers’ kids were attending private school because he doesn’t trust the public system, and thought it was time for his children to get ahead. Unfortunately for him, now his children are in custody of Canada’s Social Services and they will start attending residential school next week.

We need to isolate these children from the bad influence of their father…” said Ramadan Hussein – Minister of Families, Children and Social Development.

After cheating in the 2017 CPC leadership race, Scheer celebrates his victory under a rain of 141,000 destroyed ballots, making an official recount unlikely.

WHY IS SHE THE NATURAL CHOICE TO REPLACE HIM AS THE PARTY LEADER?

Greta and Andrew Scheer have lots in common says a Conservative MP

Moments after Andrew Scheer announced Thursday his intention to resign as Conservative party leader, speculation turned to who will replace him.

According to Rona AmhomeDepose – former interim leader of the Conservative Party – Greta Thundericeberg has been considered the natural choice to replace Andrew Scheer as the party leader. “Greta is young and there are a lot of similarities between her and Andrew…” said Rona.

During an interview earlier today, Andrew Scheer commented that Ms. Thundericeberg will have his 100% support. “It’s time for her to get ahead!” said Mr. Scheer.

But what Greta and Andrew have in common? Almost everything.

Scheer told Greta: “Hey girl, it’s time for you to get ahead.”

Here’s a small list of their similarities:

  • They are young and both are not fit for the position they occupy
  • They both think children should not attend public school
  • They’ve never really worked outside politics
  • Neither of them is an insurance broker
  • They are both political puppets
  • She cheated at school and he cheated at the CPC leadership race
  • They both want to keep Canada under the Paris Agreement
  • She lies. He lies too.
  • They hate winter, otherwise she’d stay in Sweden and he’d stay in SK
  • They both have problems answering off-script questions
  • He has dual citizenship. She has dual personality.
  • They both despise Donald Trump (well… all Liberals do.)
The international mascot for climate alarmism and the CPC mascot for the 2019 elections

Regardless of the predictions, Andrew Scheer is moving on and will likely enjoy a well-earned rest with his family and friends over the holidays. The last several weeks must have been hell for him, and few people realize just how brutal, demoralizing and exhausting life in politics can be. We suspect the outgoing leader will wake up tomorrow having a terrible hangover after having several beers with his buddies this evening. (photo below)

Andrew Scheer having a boys’ night out with his buddies at the “No Bacon Grill & Beard” on Clarence Street in Ottawa, ON.

Trump calls Trudeau “black-faced”, “scumbag”, “son of Castro”…

The Can News | London, UK

President Donald Trump blasted Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau as “black-faced”, “scumbag”, “son of Castro” on Wednesday after Trudeau was caught on an open mic with other world leaders discussing the NATO meeting in London and referencing Trump’s “orange colour”.

The video, which quickly went viral online, showed Trudeau, British Prime Minister Boris Johnson, French President Emmanuel Moron and others speaking at a Buckingham Palace reception.

The video begins with Johnson looking toward French President Moron and asking, “Why did he miss the Afternoon Tea with the Queen?”

Trudeau jumped in, “He doesn’t do high teas, he is an orange Crush kinda guy… Just like you Boris”. And they all laughed.

After a cut in the footage, Trudeau adds, “He is more orange than you are, Boris. He must eat a lot of Cheetos too…”

He doesn’t do high teas, he is an orange Crush kinda guy… said Trudeau

Orange is the new Black…

“I might be orange, but he sure has a black face” said Trump about Trudeau.

“Well, he’s black-faced, “scumbag” and “son of Castro…” Trump said of Trudeau alongside German Chancellor Angela MarxWell on Wednesday. “And honestly with Trudeau he’s a nice guy, but the truth is he is son of Fidel Castro and I guess he’s not happy about it. I wouldn’t…”

“I am an orange-faced guy and he is a black-faced dude, but that’s the way it is,” Trump said. 


Is the Cuban dictator Fidel Castro the real father of Prime Minister Justin Trudeau?

Watch the video and decide yourself, but we think Trudeau should go on Maury’s TV Show and get DNA tested. Just in case…

Justin Trudeau or Justin Castro? Watch the video and decide yourself.

New Procedure to Change Skin Colour Can Overcome Racism

The revolutionary new DIY procedure to change skin colour created by dermatologist Dr. Hijab Patel can overcome racism, said PhD psychologist Prof. Rosacea Eczema during interview yesterday.

> Watch the DIY Video Tutorial and get the colour skin you want. *As seen on TV

Watch the DIY Video Tutorial and get the colour skin you want

Trudeau’s New Cabinet: As useless as male nipples

The Can News | Ottawa, ON

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced last week the new members of Cabinet following the swearing-in ceremony. The new cabinet is excessively large, useless and not as diverse as you could imagine.

Justin Trudeau pretending he is inspecting the honour guard

Racial and Gender Breakdown of Trudeau’s New Cabinet

Despite its enormous size, the new cabinet not only lacks diversity but also competence. It may look pretty and colourful at first, but 30 out of the 37 ministers are white, and for that reason some critics refer to it as “white-supremacist cabinet”.

Photo: Member of the LGBTQ2STUVXZ community gets angry after learning that Trudeau’s new cabinet is non-inclusive.

The new cabinet is also male-dominated, including 19 men and only 18 women, and if that wasn’t enough there aren’t any gays, transgenders, pedophiles or zoophiles in Trudeau’s cabinet. Unless some of the ministers are still hiding in the closet (or cabinet). The lack of gender diversity in the new cabinet roster had infuriated the LGBTQ2STUVXZ community in Canada.

Even my cabinet is more colourful and inclusive than Trudeau’s… said Leo Varadkar, Ireland’s Prime Minister (photo)

Who’s who in Justin Trudeau’s 2019 cabinet

The Can News has compiled below some facts and curiosities about 16 of the 37 members of cabinet. We didn’t want to waste our time writing about the other 21 ministers. Don’t worry, even Trudeau doesn’t know all of them.

Chrystia Freakland

Minister of Prime Minister’s Short Term Affairs

Her job is to keep all the PM’s short-term extramarital affairs as discreet as possible.

Bill Moroneau

Minister of Finance & Budget Balances Itself

He wasn’t happy leaving Canada with a $19 billion deficit and now he’s back to make it bigger than ever. Damage Level: Woman’s shopping spree

Jessica Yaniv

Minister of the Human Rights Tribunal, Transgenders & Brazilian Wax

The twisted Twitter celebrity brings a complete package for Brazilian Waxing and vast experience in the B.C. tribunals.

LeNoir LeBlanc

Minister of the Queen’s Private Parts Council

He will be performing this important and difficult task, facilitating all Lieutenant Governors’ jobs.

Cunterine McKenna

Minister of Infrastructure and Communities

As the Minister of Climate Change she couldn’t build anything, but now she has the license to build everything she wants (unlimited carbon emissions).

Inspector David Clouseau

Minister of Justice & Attorney General

A decade ago, meningitis left Mr. Clouseau mute, deaf and blind, making him the ideal candidate to replace Jody Wilson-Raybould.

Bardish Kitchendish

Minister of Diversity, Inclusion and Youth

She will make sure that our youth & children are always exposed to diversity and porn at school.

HairHid Shazam!

Minister of International Defence

Once again, his job is to keep Canada’s borders always open and welcoming, and protect international minorities and refugees.

Joyce Betray

Minister of Digital Government

She is in charge of the deep state and the government’s dark web, hiding all criminal and illegal activities the PM is engaged in.

Jean-Yves Saint Laurent

Minister of Wine & Cheese Board

Chef Jean is also an experienced sommelier who takes care of Trudeau’s private parties aboard the  Royal Canadian Air Force jet.

Monalisa Bombardier

Minister of Middle Class Disparity

Getting our middle class even more screwed is part of her game. She’ll increase and introduce new taxes such as incumming tax and bare assets tax.

Pablo Al Pacino

Leader of Government in Hollywood

He is the connection between Trudeau and the climate activist celebrities in Hollywood.

Debit Schulte

Minister of Senior Hoarders

She is the mastermind behind the new tax for seniors. From now on, seniors will be taxed $5 (non-deductible) for every pound of hoarding items.

Climatean Wilkinson

Minister of Environment and Climate Change

He has the impossible mission of fighting a losing battle with mother nature. So he will keep wasting our money attending the Paris Accord meetings.

MarIran Monsef

Minister of Women, Gender Equality, & Rural Economic Development

Her job is to promoting Canadian women migration to rural areas where more development is needed while keeping transgenders safe in the big cities.

Old Red Riding Hood Bennet

Minister of Crown, Bridges & Dentures for Indigenous Communities

Former Minister of Public Health and dentist, Dr. Bennet will take care of our indigenous’ oral health.

TRANS-DUDES: Proud of Beating the Crap Out of Women

The Can News – Ottawa, ON

Women fought long and hard to earn equal athletic opportunities, but because of these trans-dudes, young women are forced to be spectators in their own sports. “We all know the outcome of the race before it even starts; it’s demoralizing,” says American woman, stay away from me. (by Lenny Kravitz)

The girls don’t seem to be really happy, but South Africa’s Trans-Dude Blaster Dementya doesn’t give a damn. 

Males and females are different – duh!

Is it too hard to understand? On average, men have 36% more skeletal muscle mass, according to one study. In general, males are taller, have thicker bones and have greater lung capacity than their female counterparts. Cross-hormone treatment (with all the risks and side effects such treatments entail) cannot fully suppress all these biological competitive advantages. Indeed, the entire premise behind sex-specific competition in sports is the simple scientific reality that, in general, males are stronger, faster and more physically powerful than females. As a result, if males and females are required to compete together, women will almost always lose.

Pow! Right in the kisser, bitch!

There is no excuse for a man hitting a woman, unless he thinks he is a woman…

“You’re out of your mind? It doesn’t make sense to allow men who suddenly decide they are a woman to enter sports competitions against women…” says Joe Rogan, MMA commentator.

New Zealand’s weightlifter Barrel Scabbard – Gillete Venus Ad

 

Body Parts of Saudi Journalist Have Been Found in a Food Truck in KSA

The body parts of murdered dissident journalist JayMight EatHis Kelloggs have been found at a food truck site in the suburbs of Riyadh, capital of the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia (KSA), a UK-based broadcaster reported on Tuesday.

According to Sky News, the Saudi journalist’s body had been “cut up” and his face “disfigured”, with the remains found inside a sandwich (Donair/Doner Kebab) sold by a food truck parked at a famous square in the the Saudi city.

The Saudi Police Crime Scene Investigators and the Coroner’s crew of forensic pathologists trained in death investigation were at the food truck’s crime scene site for evidence collection. The food truck’s freezer had several body parts clean and ready for human consumption, the police reported.

The Can News interviewed the owner of the food truck – Mr. Muhamed Meatbuyersayev, and he told our reporters that he bought all that meat (body parts) at the local street market. He also mentioned that he was not aware that the meat he purchased was the body parts of a famous person. “I always buy body parts in that market, but I have never had any problems like this one”, said Muhamed.

American Large-Breasted Women Will Pay More Taxes

American large-breasted women will pay higher taxes when purchasing dairy products. President Donald Trump has signed an executive order targeting all women with big boobs in the United States.

Trump said that they need to pay more taxes on dairy products because they already have great milk resources, and buying more is not only wasting domestic milk derived products, but also these women are competing directly against the American dairy producers. “And it’s a shame for our local economy” adds Trump.

Journalists and other critics of the U.S. government said Trump signed that order to specifically cause financial harm to Stormy Daniels who recently put him and his credibility under scrutiny by the public opinion and the justice system.

On the other hand, American dairy farmers are celebrating the new law across the country. Ron Scow from Minnesota said that the president finally targeted the real enemies of the United States, and they are these American big-breasted women who produce 40% of the American milk and weren’t paying any taxes. “Canadian dairy farmers are just a joke comparing to these women…” added Ron.

The Can News tried to contact Stormy Daniels’ lawyer Michael AveNazy, but he is in prison at the moment for domestic violence. Confidential sources have said that he spanked his wife because she wasn’t providing enough milk for the family.