Continued Biden gaffes put Democrats on corpse-abuse notice

‘Mexican president Mitterand told me he’ll open Gaza for the free flow of hummus.’ – US President Snooze-Button Biden

The Can News – Washington, DC

US President Joe “Snooze-Button” Biden – America’s first sitting, unalive leader – is not feeling well.

Although already dead when the Democrat Party pushed him as presidential nominee in 2020, his condition has declined to the point where handlers can’t get him to walk, talk or think of anything other than Rocky Road ice cream. Political talk-holes across the country are saying it’s no different than when former President and High Grand MAGA Puba Donald Trump misspeaks. In Biden’s case, many media outlets suggest that making fun of the elderly – no matter how alive – was subhuman.

“Trump is still fair game,” one noted. “He’s old, but he ain’t dead yet.”

Meanwhile, the Democratic Party apparatchik remains committed to propping up Snooze-Button’s corpse for another five years. Conservative tongue twirlers say the party has become a political cult with no ethical or moral standards.

Biden recently confused the terrorist group, Hamas, with the Middle Eastern condiment dip, hummus; a thick dip or spread made from ground chickpeas, sesame seeds, olive oil, lemon, and garlic.

When asked for clarification, he responded, “Huh? C’mon, man? I can spell Bob. There’s an ‘A,’ an ‘O,’ and a ‘C.’ Whaddya think I’m stupid. Top of my college class, buddy.”

Bidens begin dirt-bed preparations

The Biden family and friends are selling Snooze-Button-themed memoir and music recording, “A Momentary Lapse of Memory” to raise funding for a yet-to-be scheduled funeral. Rumors currently suggest

Donations to the noble cause can be made at The Biden’s family has already thanked supporters of the fundraiser with a statement saying this will enable them to put new flooring in their Nantucket mansion.

Democrats are seeking a more powerful preservative to ensure his availability through the 2024 U.S. Election this fall, however.

Regardless of which direction Lifeless Joe is foisted, we at The Can News, sincerely wish the very best to the sitting, dead President of the United States. We also hope the Democratic Party alongside its secret cabal of puppeteers decide to allow Snooze-Button to punch that alarm clock one last time so he can rest in peace.

Speculators have already come up with a shortlist of candidates to replace him should Democrats decide his smell becomes unbearable. In the running are Kahlua-loving U.S. Vice-President Kamala Harris; anti-white, white businessman Mark Cuban; and the ghost of 1970s prop comic Gallagher.

Fauci: U.S. Forces should not be sent to Ukraine until all Russian troops are “fully vaccinated”

Fully vaccinated and masked soldiers ready to leave U.S. soil

CDC’s Dr. Anthony Fauci strongly urges President Biden to not send U.S. Forces to Ukraine until all Russian troops are “fully vaccinated” and “double-masked”.

Washington, DC: Tensions have soared in recent weeks, as the United States and its NATO allies expressed concern that a buildup of about 100,000 Russian troops near Ukraine signaled that Moscow planned to invade its ex-Soviet neighbour.

During a press conference this morning, Dr. Anthony Fauci – Chief Medical Advisor to the President of the United States said this is not the best time for the U.S. military engage in a war against Russia. According to Dr. Fauci, Russia is not following the ROE-19 (Covid – Rules of Engagement) protocols implemented by the CDC last November. Currently, 95% of Russian troops are not double-vaccinated and 100% of their military personnel won’t wear masks in case of a war.

“This war could be unfair and ugly if Russia refuses to follow the CDC guidelines. Going to a war against the Russians under these circumstances could open the doors for new Covid variants, and put American soldiers’ lives at unnecessary risk in overcrowded field hospitals in the war zone. And I don’t think our soldiers are prepared for this kind of ordeal…” said Dr. Fauci.

“American troops could be decimated by maskless and unvaccinated Russian soldiers even before the first shot is fired…” added Dr. Fauci.

Dr. Anthony Fauci also recommended that in case of a war, troops must keep their 6ft social distance at all times before, during and after battles. “The worst thing that can happen during a war is having our troops coughing or sneezing around the enemies. And if you don’t have a tissue, cough or sneeze into your elbow, not your hands, soldier!” – Faucy commented.

Fauci: American troops could be decimated by maskless and unvaccinated Russian soldiers even before the first shot is fired…

ROE-19 Sanitary Guidelines

As per ROE-19 sanitary guidelines, all military weapons and equipment (except for weapons of mass destruction) must be cleaned and sanitized at all times. In addition to routine cleaning, these armaments must be kept 6ft away from enemies. Shared spaces such as barracks, buffer zones, dugouts and trenches should be cleaned and disinfected more often using surface virucidal disinfectants, such as 0.05% sodium hypochlorite (NaClO) and products based on ethanol. 

The U.S. Department of Defense’s spokesperson told The Can News that they will review Dr. Fauci’s recommendations and the ROE-19 protocols prior to sending the troops to Ukraine. “During war times, “safety” is our major concern…” said the DOD spokesperson.

“Mother Russia’s soldiers will only take shots of vodka, and that’s not negotiable…” – said Vladimir Putin

Photos below: Fully-vaccinated and masked, American troops are following all ROE-19 protocols


Photo: Canada’s Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and Dr. Theresa Tam during a press conference this afternoon

Ottawa: Canada’s Chief Public Health Officer Dr. Theresa Tam just confirmed that Canada will be following Dr. Anthony Fauci’s ROE-19 protocols and will not send their troops to Ukraine until all Russian soldiers are fully-vaccinated and completely masked.

“It’s a risk we are not willing to take…” said Dr. Tam.

Dr. Tam went even further to say that Canadian troops engaged in a war will also be required to wear masks during sexual intercourse in the barracks and/or trenches. “You know, casual sex is very common in times of war. Doesn’t matter if your partner is a rank above you or below you, or if your partner likes being on the top, or under… the important thing is that all military sexual partners should wear masks during sex despite the number of partners involved… it could be just a couple of soldiers, or a senior officers’ threesome, or even an army swing party…who knows?”

Watch below Dr. Theresa Tam’s video explaining the importance and effectiveness of wearing a mask during sex intercourse.

Video credit: Ben Bankas – Dr. Theresa Tam’s video explaining the importance and effectiveness of wearing a mask during sex intercourse.

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