Parks Canada arms up for future deer culls

Ministry of Environment seeking RPG and IED stockade following uproar over cull by chopper.

The Can News – British Columbia, Canada | Special Correspondent Donny Dingo

British Columbia residents are tearing out their sideburns over the Canadian federal government’s response to deer-cull concerns.

In December of last year, Parks Canada spent more than $830,000 to cull growing populations of fallow deer on Sidney Island, B.C. A total of 84 animals were slaughtered by three foreign marksman from the United States and New Zealand. The crew hunted by spotlight at night and by helicopter during the day armed with sub-machine weapons.

Area residents immediately denounced the ministry’s “conservation methods” saying it’s a waste of life, food and the local recreation economy.

“I’m living on welfare and have lots of spare time, so I am willing to help Parks Canada to eliminate these beasts…” said Sam Uchenko who recently moved from Ukraine to Canada and lives in a trailer park on Sidney Island, B.C.

“We coulda cleaned up those buggers in a week; less if we’re supplied beer and chewing baccy,” said “Shooter” Lou Potshot, a B.C. hunter.

“Woulda had sausage for years for anyone who wanted it. Instead them poor creatures got all ground up in a mist of blood and entrails. Bloody shame.”

Feds freshen firepower with Hamas leftovers

Ministry of Environment and Climate Derangement spokesperson Imma Vegetableau said her office has heard the concerns and are responding. The next ungulate-aggedon is scheduled for later this year or early 2025.

“If the Liberal government knows one thing, it’s how to listen to its constituents,” Vegetableau said from her Ottawa high-rise, convoy-proof home office on Monday.

“We are currently in discussions with Israelis authorities about purchasing animal-cull mechanisms confiscated from Hamas fighters. Improvised explosive devices and rocket propelled grenades are in substantial supply. We’ll be depleting the black market of weapons and cleaning up that whole horned-rat problem on Sidney Island. Two deer, one bomb so to speak.”

Parks Canada Warden Patricia Mendez with all that remains of four deer shot by submachine gun from a helicopter in December. The animals were bedded near a swamp on Sidney Island.

“These guys certainly know what they’re doing,” she said. “These animals don’t even know what hit’em. It’s awesome.”

When asked if fallen animals will be processed for human consumption, Vegetableau was confused.

“People eat those things?” she asked.

The 84 deer culled in December would have produced roughly 6500 pounds of edible protein. Instead, a total of two pounds of meat was eaten by the cull crew following a drunken bush party.

Reports are the meat was succulent, rich in fat and probably the cure for Celiac Disease.