In every 5 blondes, 7 are stupid.
And 10 of them are Liberal.
And 10 of them are Liberal.
Do you ever wonder what political pigeon-hole you sit in? The results of this Quiz will determine whether you are conservative, moderate, liberal or something as aggregiously confusing as The Green Party. Results from these eight simple questions will also show you which Canadian political party is more aligned with your values and ideas. Be informed before the next Canadian Federal election.
Instructions: Please pick only ONE answer for each question (A or B). Note your answers then determine the results of your analysis at the bottom of the page.
Answer A or B (only one option)
A. Quietly lead your life with or without a partner. It’s your being, not your identity. Sure, you might sip your tea with your pinky up or talk with a feminine lisp, but you rarely – if ever – discuss your sexual preferences in social situations. You simply don’t make a big deal about it. In other words, you are a balanced, productive, happy, caring, compassionate and humble member of society.
B. Like to shock people, show them you are something special and demand respect. Everyone must know you are homosexual, a member in good standing of the Self-Victimization Association. You demand legislated respect. Missing a Pride Parade? And miss an opportunity to walk the streets partially or fully nude? Are you kidding? You carry a literal LGBTQ+ member card and flash it in the face of everyone you call “homophobe.” Considering it’s your favorite defense mechanism – even in an argument over a parking spot – the card is used on the daily. Finally, you don’t have kids, but school board meetings are your primary social justice warrior target, demanding that pornographic LGBTQ+ books be included in the Elementary School curriculum. Preferably your own, hand-drawn cartoon flip book at a tidy price of $10 per book. That’s a profit.
Answer A or B (only one option)
A. Are a non-believer, don’t go to church. You might be wary of religion, but pastors, priests, reverends, imams are just people working a job. To you, they are not the tip of the sword for God in your community. You believe they are servants to their followers; though you shake your head at some of the things “church-people” say. Like, “You played with your rock band at a bar last night? The devil’s music? You know, back in Jesus’s day, we could have stoned you for that.” (True story).
B. Want to go tell it on the mountain, that God isn’t real. Someone mentions prayer in an anecdote, and you want to pull the hair out of your nostrils. “HE DOESN’T EXIST!” you scream, wailing and moaning like you are already in Hell. No one can mention the Almighty One. Government bureaucrats and politicians who use God in their speeches work for the devil you don’t believe in. To you, the Bible is a work of fiction, written in cold, candle-lit caverns by munks with opium addictions. There’s no point in reading it. The language in the book alone is as clear as frozen windshield in an ice storm. Finally, those religious folks; they’re so silly and naive. Who thinks a 2000-year-old cult is still relevant? That’s why you make fun of all Christians, but Muslims are untouchable. They’re reaction to opposition lean to the permanently dead side.
Answer A or B (only one option)
A. Just don’t eat meat. The only time you talk about it is when an acquaintance asks while out to dinner. Even at that, the conversation on the topic is short and inconsequential. When someone asks, “How’s the grazing going?” you laugh at the joke as you bite into a delicious vegetarian pork rind.
B. Make sure everybody knows you are a vegetarian and they should be a herbivore too. Whenever you see someone eating meat, they MUST know that it’s not good for their health, the environment, the moon and some parts of the cosmos. You want all meat products banned, including dogs and the Northern Canadian delicacy, beaver tail. Finally, meat-ban protests in front of restaurants and supermarkets are your only social activities. If you’re not beating meat, you are part of the problem.
Answer A or B (only one option)
A. Know you are black, but never think about it. You have thoughts, experiences and problems everyone else of any color has; work to do, bills to pay, spouses to keep happy, surviving a day of heavy bloating caused by a bad taquito from 7-Eleven. Yes, there have been injustices committed to black people by white society during the world-wide slavery period, but that was a long time ago. It does not affect your daily activities. Like your parents/grandparents, your family has left it all behind since the Civil Rights Movement and aim to build a new, inclusive society for everyone. Your birth-land is North America. You have never been to Africa and think being called an “African-Canadian” is moronic. Two hundred years of generational Canadian citizenship is what you value; regardless of what finely-quaffed, fancy-socked Prime Minister is destroying your country.
B. Are obviously a victim of the white supremacy, allowing you the relief of no responsibility for your actions. Someone bumps into you in the elevator: Black oppression. A banker asks for your credit rating for a loan application: Black oppression. You wish R/C Cola still existed: Black oppression. You apply for every university and corporation holding racial staffing quotas. You think it’s the only way to knock off the Asian applicants.
As far as you know, only white people owned slaves and you refuse to believe they were purchased from Black African tribes. You ignore the fact that in North America, white people were integral to their liberation. Meanwhile, back “home” in Africa, the slave trade is vast and growing. Nevertheless, you are the victim who deserves reparations. “Dollar bills, Mofo.” Your regular use of the victim-card is enhanced by your VIP membership to BLM. All the money you have donated to the organization was used to develop a better society via rioting and looting. The money is not used for BLM leadership mansions, luxury cars and a lifetime supply of Cheetos.
Answer A or B (only one option)
A. Know you are white, but never think about it. You have thoughts, experiences and problems everyone else of any color has; work to do, bills to pay, spouses to keep happy, surviving a day of heavy bloating caused by a bad taquito from Taco Bell. You compete, work and provide for your family despite racist hiring quotas and virtuous white women in high, powerful positions. Sure, it’s not fair, but complaining won’t do anything about it. “Lady-Bosses” don’t speak “mansplaining.” It’s obvious to you that the majority-white population may impact governmental policy, but feel that “white-supremacy” died with acid rain and the hole in the ozone layer. North America, Europe and Australia’s white majority welcomes and interacts with based, productive, legal immigrants regardless of skin tone. It’s more important for you to survive in a squeezed, middle-class economy where bread is now itemized in your tight budget. Race doesn’t come to mind as you ply your trade.
B. Hate being white and you identify as an Afro-Canadian or First Nations. You weep in guilt regularly because your ancestors lived alongside slavery and the Indian Act. Whether they participated in the tragedies is irrelevant. History is lost on you and any suggestion that black slaves were murdered by Africa’s ruling tribes instead of being sold and shipped to North America is deemed conspiracy. You abhor “cultural appropriation” but have no problem donning an Indian headdress or an African tunic to show your support. The colour of your skin automatically makes you responsible for tragedies that happened in 1820. The line of historic racism is drawn straight to you, and you wear that guilt like eyeliner on a third-rate Los Angeles hooker. Reparations are warranted, but that’s for the rich to pay. You’re guilty, but not that guilty.
Answer A or B (only one option)
A. Like to fish, hike, hunt, garden, camp and so much more to get outside, all while conserving the environment around you. All trash either stays on the passenger seat of your car or hits a gas station garbage bin. Pissing in a river is not a big deal, but raw communal sewage dumps are a travesty. You dream of building a cabin in the woods and living off the land, hunting and fishing for food. You believe your government fees for hunting and fishing are spent on wildlife management practices that include population control. Finally, you are disgusted by the Canadian government’s method of culling deer; a process that included a helicopter, three marksmen and sub-machine guns. Cannons must be used as flyswatters in Ottawa.
B. Love Greta Thunberg and think she is the most knowledgeable and influential person in the climate change industry. All of your Green Peace, PETA and Green Party memberships are up-to-date, moving you to scream bloody murder whenever you hear hunters legally harvesting an animal. “Meat is murder,” you yell. Other mottos include, “Humans are the problem,” “Leave Earth to the animals,” and “Your lattes are way too expensive. By the way, is that soy milk?” “Climate Change” started in 1900 and the world has never seen such an existential threat. Any statistics showing climate constantly evolving in a rhythmic pattern through its billions of years of existence are ignored. The proof is in a “hockey-stick” graph that looks like someone spilled coffee on it and adjusted the ink. Finally, anyone who does not believe what’s happening is a “climate denier” deserving a public hanging from the nearest old-growth Maple tree. The tree takes its revenge for their sacrilegious ideas and a deadly carbon footprint that suggests you vape methane right out of a cow’s ass.
Answer A or B (only one option)
A. Smoke your pot discretely by yourself or with friends. It might be a lifestyle choice, but it’s no different than a shot of Whispering Prick rye-whiskey; a social lubricant that isn’t necessarily required in every scenario, but it’s certainly more fun. You may not notice you smell like skunk, but are conscientious enough to freshen your clothes for others who can smell it. Smoking weed out of an apple-pipe is desperate and unnecessary to you. Snorting kief in the privacy of your own office, however, is acceptable.
B. You scream about consuming pot more than you actually smoke it. You have a pot leaf patch on all of your jackets and the tattoo on your back says, “I Bleed Weed.” You jump down the throat of anyone who asks you not to imbibe in public. “It’s my fucking medicine, man,” you say despite being in perfect health. “You think I’m an asshole now, wait til you see me sobre.” Everyone must know the benefits of the cannabis lifestyle. The drug is legal in Canada, so everyone should be smoking it! Those who refuse are probably touched with Downs Syndrome, of which weed also provides benefits with its miracle THC and CBD properties.
Answer A or B (only one option)
A. NO. The rest of Canada has become a fantastic financier for your French-socialist wet dreams. Giving up that is like throwing out a freshly-made plate of poutine.
B. YES. Canadians hate the French. It’s obvious. They won’t speak the language in Elbow, Sask. so it’s plainly obvious the Quebecois are lesser-than the rest of the country. We can experience our socialist wet dreams in our own country by milking our Laurentian oligarchs.
ANWERS TO THE QUIZ:
8 B’s = You are a fucking communist and are kindly asked to get the hell out of Canada immediately. If you decide to stay, your political party is the NDP led by Jagmeet Singh. This well rounded individual will ensure your reliance and compliance with their idealistic society while further growing his collection of Rolex watches and Mercedes sedans.
8 A’s = You’re definitely a hardcore conservative, fiscally and socially. You appreciate privacy, tradition and a balanced lifestyle based on family, hard work and ribeyes on Sunday evenings. There is only one party in Canada for you: PPC – the People’s Party of Canada led by Maxime Bernier, the only Canadian politician to be arrested for using his constitutional right to socialize during the COVID pandemic. The only politician to ask, “What in the actual fuck are you idiots on Parliament Hill doing?” The only politician who spoke to citizens during that tyrannical period.
4 A’s and 4 B’s =
You are a moderate person who prefers the comfort of a seat on the fence. Your parties of choice next election are the CPC (Conservative Party of Canada), or maybe the LP (Liberal Party). Either way, very little changes in Canada when either one of the uni-party takes the House of Commons.
3 A’s and 5 B’s =
You are definitely left-wing and don’t know what family really means yet. Your party is the LP, the NDP and/or the Green Party.
5 A’s and 3 B’s =
You lean to the right, but not too far, making your party of choice the CPC. Remember, you are not a fully-sorted conservative person yet… But keep moving in the right direction and you should be voting for the People’s Party of Canada (PPC).
6 A’s and 2 B’s =
You lean to the right and you are almost there if you want to become a conservative at heart. Your parties are the CPC or maybe the PPC.
2 A’s and 6 B’s =
You are very left-wing always seeking government support. Your party is the NDP. The party is run by strong, young vibrant terrorist/separatist Jagmeet Singh. Elect him and all trade with India ends due to his banning in that country. On the positive side, universal basic income and free abortions on Thursdays.
1 A and 7 B’s =
You are a socialist person for sure. You like enjoying the freebies from the government, and working is something that is not in your plans… Your parties are the NDP and the Liberal Party.
7 A’s and 1 B =
You are almost a real conservative 100%! If you keeping going this way, your party is the PPC. But if you suddenly decide that all abortions should be legal, your party is the CPC or the LP.
IMPORTANT NOTES:
TOURISM | ENTERTAINMENT
The Can News – Winnipeg, MB
Wake up to the future in Winnipeg.
Haven’t visited in a while? Well, it’s time to return. Our arms are as open as our southern border ready for anyone wanting a warm embrace on a blizzardly night.
Winnipeg: Vast, vigorous and virtuous. The legacy of Historical Hero Louis Riel comes alive on city streets, where free camping is available all day everyday on any public sidewalk. Stay warm on cool days with a Metis sash presented to all our visitors during their stay.
Winnipeg: Where free-range youth groups relieve guests of burdensome baggage like purses, wallets and watches.
Karen Prozac, a tourist from Portland – Oregon visiting Winnipeg, MB for the first time.
“I am amazed by the quality of life here! It’s cleaner and much safer than Portland…” says Karen.
Where hand sanitizer has replaced hand soap and masking isn’t mandatory, but don’t stand out, please.
Where Red River fecal gases keep residents alive, alert and constantly aware of their surroundings – until they’re behind the steering wheel. Where the tangle of streets begs you to stay where you are and enjoy the riverside scents and scenery. Where emergency syringes are available for use in any public park, donated by jittery, CF Polo Park Mall coffee baristas and washed clean by the magical sterilization of an Arctic winter.
Stay warm on cool days with a Metis sash presented to all our visitors during their stay.
Saving the best for last, Canada’s proud and powerful anus boasts 11 cannabis stores for every four liquor marts. When you come, come to party.
Winnipeg: Shining A Light on Socialist Sophistication
– Brought to you by the City of Winnipeg Tourism Council…. “It’s better than it looks.”
The Can News – British Columbia, Canada | Special Correspondent Donny Dingo
British Columbia residents are tearing out their sideburns over the Canadian federal government’s response to deer-cull concerns.
In December of last year, Parks Canada spent more than $830,000 to cull growing populations of fallow deer on Sidney Island, B.C. A total of 84 animals were slaughtered by three foreign marksman from the United States and New Zealand. The crew hunted by spotlight at night and by helicopter during the day armed with sub-machine weapons.
Area residents immediately denounced the ministry’s “conservation methods” saying it’s a waste of life, food and the local recreation economy.
“I’m living on welfare and have lots of spare time, so I am willing to help Parks Canada to eliminate these beasts…” said Sam Uchenko who recently moved from Ukraine to Canada and lives in a trailer park on Sidney Island, B.C.
“We coulda cleaned up those buggers in a week; less if we’re supplied beer and chewing baccy,” said “Shooter” Lou Potshot, a B.C. hunter.
“Woulda had sausage for years for anyone who wanted it. Instead them poor creatures got all ground up in a mist of blood and entrails. Bloody shame.”
Ministry of Environment and Climate Derangement spokesperson Imma Vegetableau said her office has heard the concerns and are responding. The next ungulate-aggedon is scheduled for later this year or early 2025.
“If the Liberal government knows one thing, it’s how to listen to its constituents,” Vegetableau said from her Ottawa high-rise, convoy-proof home office on Monday.
“We are currently in discussions with Israelis authorities about purchasing animal-cull mechanisms confiscated from Hamas fighters. Improvised explosive devices and rocket propelled grenades are in substantial supply. We’ll be depleting the black market of weapons and cleaning up that whole horned-rat problem on Sidney Island. Two deer, one bomb so to speak.”
Parks Canada Warden Patricia Mendez with all that remains of four deer shot by submachine gun from a helicopter in December. The animals were bedded near a swamp on Sidney Island.
“These guys certainly know what they’re doing,” she said. “These animals don’t even know what hit’em. It’s awesome.”
When asked if fallen animals will be processed for human consumption, Vegetableau was confused.
“People eat those things?” she asked.
The 84 deer culled in December would have produced roughly 6500 pounds of edible protein. Instead, a total of two pounds of meat was eaten by the cull crew following a drunken bush party.
Reports are the meat was succulent, rich in fat and probably the cure for Celiac Disease.