UFC: Elon Musk calls out Brazil Judge de Moraes for MMA in-ring clash

The verbal jabs between X owner and tech innovator Elon Musk and Brazilian Supreme Court Justice Alexandre de Moraes will turn to fists, kicks and submission holds this summer.

Musk challenged the communist judicial despot to a mixed martial arts fight as a co-main event at the Mike Tyson-Jake Paul boxing event in Texas on July 20. The entire card will be broadcasted on Netflix.

De Moraes agreed to the joust immediately.

”Look at him. The flowing robes. The tyrannical glare. The bad bathing habits. The cannibal-shakes. Th-th-the man is a psychopath… “ – Elon Musk

”Only I stand between justice and peace for all equally and the tyranny of freedom,” the 6-foot, 3-inch, 218 pound pimple domed dictator said by translator at an exclusive Zoom press conference held last week.

“I am already pounding the life out of my country’s conservative swine. Mr. Musk is just one more domino to fall, like the weak-willed Mark Zuckerberg. X will be annihilated judicially or by the force of my beautifully manicured, powerful hands.”

Musk has called the phallic-headed jurist “Brazil’s Darth Vader.” De Moraes was non-plussed.

”Outside of some chronic hemorrhoid issues, I am a perfect physical specimen with substantial intellectual, virtuous and homicidal abilities. Plus, look at my power,” he said, sweeping his hand across his office like a demigod.

“Th-th-the guy is a fucking Fruit Loop,” responded Musk, who is expected to arrive to the fight sans “dad-bod” measuring 6’2” and weighing 208 pounds.

”Look at him. The flowing robes. The tyrannical glare. The bad bathing habits. The cannibal-shakes. Th-th-the man is a psychopath and I will end him faster than the heat production of a Space X flamethrower. His Honor’s penis-head will fall from its shaft on July 20.”

The Monkeys Chase the Money

Promoters of the Tyson-Paul affair stepped over starving children to get in on the Musk-de Moraes action.

”Only I stand between justice and peace for all equally and the tyranny of freedom” – Justice Alexandre de Moraes

“The battle of free speech in Brazil will take place in Texas, but also around the world via Netflix,” said Netflix spokesperson, Chuck Ittout.

“In the meantime, this one broadcast will make up for 40% of the losses we have sustained since hosting the ‘Cuties’ documentary, the murky slurry of Netflix Original content and the third season of ‘Family Ties’. Dolla bills, baby,” he said.

De Moraes (right) implemented the action after tipping the electoral scales in favor of current left-of-loony president Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva (commonly known as Lula) in Brazil’s 2022 federal election.

Meeting on the Mat

The Musk-de Moraes dust-up began when Musk refused to manipulate X’s policy as ordered by Justice de Moraes.

The judge had already wrangled control over Meta and it’s Facebook and Instagram platforms, which have since complied with de Moraes’ discriminatory mandates. Brazilian centre and right leaning residents are no longer welcome there after Meta leader Mark Zuckerberg bent the knee to Almighty Alexandre.

De Moraes implemented the action after tipping the electoral scales in favor of current left-of-loony president Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva (commonly known as Lula) in Brazil’s 2022 federal election. A protest similar to the infamous January 6 hoax in Washington, D.C. of 2021 had de Moraes throw down the anvil on every-day, lower middle class residents participating in the event. Almost 2,000 individuals politically opposed to de Moraes and Lula have been illicitly persecuted and placed in the judge’s personally-run, for-profit gulag.

Musk has threatened to enter the realm of combat sports before. An attempt to go nose-to-empty eyeballs with Zuckerberg fell apart last year after Musk’s 16th mistress had the technological prodigy’s 23rd child; a boy, Rufus Plato Musk.

Zuckerberg bowed out as well after missing several doses of his humanizing hormones for his hybrid alien-reptile-Gollum essence. He was felled with Yellowknuckle Syndrome, also known as pissed-pants fear.

Musk is confident his match against Justice de Moraes will fall his way.

”Have you seen the guy? He looks like a raw, skinned ostrich,” he stated. “I won’t lose, but if His Honor rolls in any Jiu-Jitsu troglodytes for help, we have a plan.”

Musk would not elaborate, but there have been rumours that Space X has a new non-lethal weapon in development. The ultra-sonic ray gun makes targets empty their bowels on the spot, rendering them immobile and embarrassed. X users have deemed it “The Shit Storm.”

More than 40 million Brazilians use the X platform which represents 18 per cent of all X users.

Brazil’s Darth Vader, Supreme Court Justice Alexandre de Moraes, also known simply as The Peckerhead among his peers.

Winnipeg – A Beacon for the Future

The fruits of New-Canada grow wild in Manitoba’s capital where it’s better than it looks… Really!

The Can News – Winnipeg, MB

Wake up to the future in Winnipeg.

Haven’t visited in a while? Well, it’s time to return. Our arms are as open as our southern border ready for anyone wanting a warm embrace on a blizzardly night.

Winnipeg: Vast, vigorous and virtuous. The legacy of Historical Hero Louis Riel comes alive on city streets, where free camping is available all day everyday on any public sidewalk. Stay warm on cool days with a Metis sash presented to all our visitors during their stay.

Winnipeg: Where free-range youth groups relieve guests of burdensome baggage like purses, wallets and watches.

Karen Prozac, a tourist from Portland – Oregon visiting Winnipeg, MB for the first time.

“I am amazed by the quality of life here! It’s cleaner and much safer than Portland…” says Karen.

Where hand sanitizer has replaced hand soap and masking isn’t mandatory, but don’t stand out, please.

Where Red River fecal gases keep residents alive, alert and constantly aware of their surroundings – until they’re behind the steering wheel. Where the tangle of streets begs you to stay where you are and enjoy the riverside scents and scenery. Where emergency syringes are available for use in any public park, donated by jittery, CF Polo Park Mall coffee baristas and washed clean by the magical sterilization of an Arctic winter.

Stay warm on cool days with a Metis sash presented to all our visitors during their stay.

Saving the best for last, Canada’s proud and powerful anus boasts 11 cannabis stores for every four liquor marts. When you come, come to party.

Winnipeg: Shining A Light on Socialist Sophistication

– Brought to you by the City of Winnipeg Tourism Council…. “It’s better than it looks.”

We Stand On Guard For The Bee, Eh!

We, The Can News stand by The Babylon Bee along with all those who speak out in the face of intimidation and censorship.

* This is the only serious and significant news post ever published by THE CAN NEWS

Shutting down news websites or social media pages like The Babylon Bee and the New York Post is a very serious attack on freedom of expression and free press.

Facebook Demonetizes Satire Site Babylon Bee, Claims Monty Python Spoof ‘Incites Violence’

Facebook is demonetizing the Christian, political satire page “The Babylon Bee” after they published an article satirizing Sen. Mazie Hirono’s comments during the Amy Coney Barrett hearings in a fictional depiction.

Click on the link above to read THE FEDERALIST full article by Jordan Davidson

Dear reader, if you have been censored online, contact the EFF – Electronic Frontier Foundation at https://www.eff.org

In the United States, publishers have a fundamental right to print truthful political information. Equally important, Internet users have a fundamental right to read that information and voice their opinions about it. Throughout the world, these values are codified into the laws of many countries and are included in Article 19 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights:

“Everyone has the right to freedom of opinion and expression; this right includes freedom to hold opinions without interference and to seek, receive and impart information and ideas through any media and regardless of frontiers.”

Documentary shows why U.S. President refused aid from Australian PM during COVID-19 crisis

A new Netflix™ short documentary shows why the United States’ president refused aid from Australian prime minister during COVID-19 crisis.

© Documentary created by Kacey Baker/Bay Rock Films and produced by Netflix™

Watch the documentary below and find out why the American president couldn’t accept help from the Aussie prime minister.


STAY HOME SAFE  – New documentary created by Bay Rock Films and produced by Netflix™

How Canada’s New Marijuana Laws Could Affect You

This photo shows you exactly what happens when potheads take their dog & kid for a walk.

Don’t expect potheads to take care of your lawn or your snow shovelling when you need it, because they are just potheads living their dreams. Not yours!

If you really want their help, just call them if you wish to be confined with them in a very small room while you guys are smoking a few salmons. That’s it!


Australian Aborigines Makeover Edition

Despite the good looks of Aussie celebrities like Nicole Kidman, Russell Crowe and Crocodile Dundee, the Australian government is really concerned about the image of their aborigines which maybe is turning tourists away. If you don’t know, Australian Aborigines (aka Aboriginal Australians) are those people regarded as indigenous to the Australian continent. The government of Australia have hired 125 American plastic surgeons from the AMERICAN EXTREME MAKEOVER TEAM led by Dr. John Scarface to change the faces of all aboriginals and make that country more accessible to tourists. Government officials said this morning that they are not craving perfection, but only want to let them have normal lives. “We are sure that after the makeover procedures, their appearances will not only affect their self-esteem but also their success and social life. I feel so happy for each person that gets the chance to hand their looks over to the extreme team for a makeover. Some of them were born with defects, in accidents, or are just very unfortunate looking by nature. And it has been proved that good looking people attracts more tourists. Not everyone is blessed with average features and not everyone can afford plastic surgery or dental correction” said Dr. Scarface. Check out the pictures and see how the Aussie government is improving their country’s image. Could you believe your eyes that they are the very same person, just that the right one gone through an extreme makeover process? Amazing!!


Britney Spears gives birth to baby girl

Pop star Britney Spears gave birth to another child, a baby girl, Tuesday afternoon April 19, 2011. According to our sources the baby will be named Mad Donna Spears. This is the 4th child for Britney Spears. The baby was born by caesarean section. Britney Spears had reportedly said that the previous ultrasound images have shown the baby had an enormous head and she would give birth by c-section in order to be able to deliver her big-head-blond-baby. As you already know, Mrs. Spears is a terrible singer and an awful mother, but on the other hand she’s an expert in human reproduction and has a delivery service faster than the Easter bunny.



HOW TO ENTER: Write a letter to The Can telling us how many Canadians were killed and/or kidnaped in Mexico in the last 3 years. In case of a tie, those who are related to Canadian victims in Mexico will be selected for a tie-breaker and whoever has the largest amount of relatives who died in Mexico over the past 3 years will win the prize. Disclaimer: Only Canadian residents and illegal Mexican immigrants are eligible to enter the contest and/or win the prize. Chances of winning are based on the number of stupid Canadians who go to Mexico every year, divided by the number of corrupt cops in Mexico during the summer time. Do the math dude and enjoy Mexico!!

ALL-INCLUSIVE TRIP PACKAGE PRIZE: See poster below with the details about this wonderful summer trip.

U.S. Secretary of State’s New Book

U.S. Secretary of State Hilarious Clitoris has launched her new self-help book for women called Kill Bill.  The book already is America’s best seller and deals with women’s difficulties in a “male world” .  “You don’t need to sleep with your boss to succeed, as a matter of fact all you need is a stupid husband who gets a scandalous blow job and the world will feel pity for you…then, you become famous, join politics and get elected. As you can see, I didn’t need to sleep with Bill to get to the top, but I might have to put Bill to sleep if I want to become America’s first woman president…” said Hilarious Clitoris in her interview to The Can. Kill Bill is also the best-selling book in Pakistan and has got “five thumbs up yours” by Fox News last week.

Royal Wedding – Prince William holds secret bachelor bash

Far from the cameras of the U.K.’s voracious press, the prince bid his single life goodbye in a bachelor party reportedly held in eastern Libya over the weekend. Palace officials confirmed Monday only that the stag party — reportedly thrown by his brother and best man, Prince Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallowsween — had taken place at one of Myyouare GayTough safe houses.  “The party was amazing, lots of rebel girls from the Libyan resistance, tons of cheap oil, grenades and machine guns…Man, we had a blast!” said one of the Royal party guests. The British media has also speculated often about Kate Middleclass‘ bachelorette party plans, with one tabloid reporting that her sister Pippa The Pimp will be throwing a Dirty Dancing-themed hen party bash at the family home in Brixton, a middle class neighbourhood in London, UK.