america

U.S. president vows to replace Canadian names with “something more American” amid escalating trade war

The Can News – Washington, DC

U.S. President Donald Trump has reportedly expanded his campaign to rename things he considers insufficiently American, setting his sights on some of Canada’s most recognizable brands as the economic and tariff dispute between the two countries continues to escalate.

After taking credit for changing the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America and reportedly floating new names for other Canadian landmarks, Trump is now promising to “fix” Canadian products entering the American market. Canadian Tire could become American Tire, Canada Goose may soon migrate south as American Goose, while Canada Dry would reportedly be rebranded American Dry — a move critics say could finally explain why nobody has ever been entirely sure what “dry” means in the first place.

The renaming plan is intended to ensure that Americans “never accidentally purchase something with the word Canada on it without first paying a tariff and becoming emotionally confused.”

The proposed makeover would not stop there. Sources close to the administration say Canadian Club could become American Club, Canadian National Railway would be renamed American National Railway, and CIBC — the Canadian Imperial Bank of Commerce — could emerge as the considerably more patriotic-sounding American Ice Bank of Commerce. Even Canadian bacon has reportedly been targeted, with officials considering American Bacon, despite concerns that the product is already known in the United States as something Canadians barely recognize as bacon. An unnamed White House official said the renaming plan is intended to ensure that Americans “never accidentally purchase something with the word Canada on it without first paying a tariff and becoming emotionally confused.”

Canadian officials have not announced a formal response, although sources say several government departments are already reviewing possible retaliatory measures, including renaming the White House the “Temporary American Residence” and referring to Mount Rushmore as “Four Guys on a Hill.” Meanwhile, Trump reportedly dismissed concerns about the growing trade dispute, telling advisers that Canada and the United States have “a tremendous relationship — one of the best relationships — especially when everything Canadian has a different name.”

Doug Ford didn’t exactly mirror Prime Minister Mark Carney’s polite diplomacy regarding Trump’s new Canadian goods and Lake Ontario renaming campaign. Instead, Ford told both Trump and Carney to “kiss his ass,” promising a swift Ontario offensive that begins with flooding New York State with the waters of Lake Ontario.