big bird

Iraqi Sesame Street canceled by DOGE. Illicit arms trade declines

The Can News – Baghdad

After just days of investigation, the American Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) has canceled the highest rated children’s television show in Iraq.

Funding previously provided by the U.S. Agency for International Development (USAID) was immediately halted by a DOGE directive on February 12. A portion of that money sanctioned the Iraqi version of of Sesame Street, “Shaari’ as-Simsim.”

“The books for that program are ridiculous,” said anonymous DOGE auditor known only as Adequate-Ballz03. “We sent them $13 million every quarter, which covered $80,000 worth of bird feed per week. That’s far less than Miss Piggy’s food budget, which was $142,000.”

Adequate-Ballz03 added that Oscar the Grouch was not only living rent-free in a garbage can on the shaari. The dirty grump collected $69,699 per episode and ran stolen ammo through a dumpster behind the General Store.

“We’re not even going to talk about Kermit the Frog’s political ambitions. It’s all laid out in the books of the Lilly Pad Foundation; led, of course, by Miss Piggy.”

The decision has had an impact on illicit weapon trafficking in Baghdad. According to angry Taliban gun “retailers” – most aged 11 to 16 – say sales have plummeted 40 per cent. Rumors of an investigation into alleged back-alley deals orchestrated by Ernie and Bert have circulated for months. The homosexual couple is suspected of running guns through an AK-47 resale ring disguised as a Rainbow Coalition men’s tampon program.

“Iraq’s child suicide bombers won’t survive without “Sesame Street” TV show”, says USAID former employee.

Heroin, handguns and Hawk Tuah’s saviour

On February 17, beloved Sesame Street mainstay Big Bird was arrested at Baghdad’s Joe Biden International Flyway and Air Force Base with 80 pounds of heroin in his stomach. Local law enforcement described the bust as the largest ever recovered off of one individual.

“Mr. Bird did not tell a believable story,” said Corporal Mohammed el McGilicuddy. “He say he just eating too much seed, but he have no explanation for China White in balloons.”

Big Bird is currently being held without bail in the Hillary Clinton Wildlife Preserve located just outside the city. Snuffleupagus is rumored to be acting as his representative until notable American celebrity lawyer Bryan Wrench arrives on March 27.

Critics of the decision – Democrats, RINO Republicans and viewers of Jimmy Kimmel – are up in arms. They say the cancelation robs Iraqi children of a valuable education experience in their own culture and shields them from criminal influences far more dangerous than Gonzo, currently suspected of being the warlord for Makadealiad, a province in the south of the country.

Adequate-Ballz03 disagrees. “If Oscar the Grouch can turn a trash can into a black-market ammunition depot, we might need to rethink our approach to children’s programming,” she said.

Negotiations to restore funding are ongoing, but entertainment insiders say Elmo is heading to retirement after finding a much more lucrative industry. The young, red entrepreneur was seen dining with the Hawk Tuah girl in recent days, leading many to believe he is now laundering cryptocurrency.