DOGE

‘Diversity, My Ass,’ says President Donald Trump

2 months ago

The Can News – Washington, DC

While Americans are distracted with the price of eggs, United States President Donald Trump has brought together the most diverse team in American history. The federal cabinet buries the fatal leadership of Joe Biden, the country’s first legally-dead president to sit in office.

Meanwhile, the Democrats are no longer keen on the “Diversity is our Strength” brain worm. That, according to many, only works among the lower caste. Farm fields, fast-food joints, telemarketing and transport trucking; where diversity really hits its stride. Basically any job that requires 100 per cent time commitment for $7.25 per hour.

Trump’s opposition sees his cabinet through the eyes of their plantation past. Federal Bureau of Investigation Kash Patel, for example, has far overshot his basic innate abilities to run a 7-Eleven in a mid-size, Illinois city. Scott Turner, who serves as head of Housing and Urban Development, is Trump’s first appointed Afro-American in his second term. However, being a Republican, Turner’s skin pigmentation changes upon taking his oath of office. Cancelled.

Director of National Intelligence and former Democrat, Tulsi Gabbard – according to idiocratic philosophy – better serves the American public surfing the Maui waves and selling hand-braided bracelets on the beach. She comes nowhere near the holistic necessities of the position like her aboriginal counterpart, Senator Elizabeth “Pocahontas” Warren. The latter’s collection of feathers and lucky stones establishes her lineage as an actual “DEI” hire.

And there are more: Secretary of State Marco Rubio, Labor Secretary Lori Chavez-DeRemer, special counsel to Trump and head of DOGE, Elon Musk. For those looking for the “strength of diversity,” it’s there.

But let’s forget racial and cultural miscellany for a moment. There is another theme running through this cabinet that far outweighs the “Diversity is our Strength” model.

Trump has put together the most competent team in American history, nullifying Democrat efforts to create an idiocracy, otherwise known as Obama’s Wet Dream. The days of “Keep the plebs stupid. Boys are girls. The weather is killing us. Diversity is unity,” are almost over.

Trump’s team rests on a foundation of efficiency, efficacy and exactitude. That is three letter E’s, one step further than a D. Diversity is losing its strength.

President Trump’s Triple-E Cabinet: Ditching the douchebaggery

Scott Turner – Housing & Urban Development Secretary – A Blackman in Da House, so it’s good! Oh no! Not so fast, not yet!

Kristi Noem – Homeland Security Secretary – A Native American, but not like Senator Elizabeth Warren – fake Pocahontas…

Kash Patel – FBI Director – An American-Indian Gujarat who will throw his chicken biryani in your face without apologies!

Lori Chavez-DeRemer – Labor Secretary – Hispanic woman who wants to eat churros and kick ass. And she’s all out of churros!

Tulsi Gabbard – Director of National Intelligence – A Samoan woman and one of the three current or former Democrats with full brain function. She doesn’t need churros. She just kicks ass.

Susie Wiles – White House’s Chief of Staff – First Woman to ever be the USA’s Chief of Staff in the White House. Like her hair, she’s white as snow, babe!

Vivek Ramaswamy – Former DOGE co-chair & political candidate. An American-Indian Hindu who can easily tell you to fuck off. Got it?

Pam Bondi – Attorney General – A white and “blondie” ready to fuck DEI’s spectrum of outlaws!

Marco Rubio – Secretary of State – A Cuban-American sending illegal Yankee wannabes back on a boat to Cuba, Ecuador and parts between. No return ticket.

Elon Musk – DOGE’s Advisor – A white Canadian/South African genius with a penchant for spacecraft and fertile strumpets. Boosting our world population one bastard at a time.

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Big Bird Busted Following USAID Funding Cut

2 months ago

Iraqi Sesame Street canceled by DOGE. Illicit arms trade declines

The Can News – Baghdad

After just days of investigation, the American Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) has canceled the highest rated children’s television show in Iraq.

Funding previously provided by the U.S. Agency for International Development (USAID) was immediately halted by a DOGE directive on February 12. A portion of that money sanctioned the Iraqi version of of Sesame Street, “Shaari’ as-Simsim.”

“The books for that program are ridiculous,” said anonymous DOGE auditor known only as Adequate-Ballz03. “We sent them $13 million every quarter, which covered $80,000 worth of bird feed per week. That’s far less than Miss Piggy’s food budget, which was $142,000.”

Adequate-Ballz03 added that Oscar the Grouch was not only living rent-free in a garbage can on the shaari. The dirty grump collected $69,699 per episode and ran stolen ammo through a dumpster behind the General Store.

“We’re not even going to talk about Kermit the Frog’s political ambitions. It’s all laid out in the books of the Lilly Pad Foundation; led, of course, by Miss Piggy.”

The decision has had an impact on illicit weapon trafficking in Baghdad. According to angry Taliban gun “retailers” – most aged 11 to 16 – say sales have plummeted 40 per cent. Rumors of an investigation into alleged back-alley deals orchestrated by Ernie and Bert have circulated for months. The homosexual couple is suspected of running guns through an AK-47 resale ring disguised as a Rainbow Coalition men’s tampon program.

“Iraq’s child suicide bombers won’t survive without “Sesame Street” TV show”, says USAID former employee.

Heroin, handguns and Hawk Tuah’s saviour

On February 17, beloved Sesame Street mainstay Big Bird was arrested at Baghdad’s Joe Biden International Flyway and Air Force Base with 80 pounds of heroin in his stomach. Local law enforcement described the bust as the largest ever recovered off of one individual.

“Mr. Bird did not tell a believable story,” said Corporal Mohammed el McGilicuddy. “He say he just eating too much seed, but he have no explanation for China White in balloons.”

Big Bird is currently being held without bail in the Hillary Clinton Wildlife Preserve located just outside the city. Snuffleupagus is rumored to be acting as his representative until notable American celebrity lawyer Bryan Wrench arrives on March 27.

Critics of the decision – Democrats, RINO Republicans and viewers of Jimmy Kimmel – are up in arms. They say the cancelation robs Iraqi children of a valuable education experience in their own culture and shields them from criminal influences far more dangerous than Gonzo, currently suspected of being the warlord for Makadealiad, a province in the south of the country.

Adequate-Ballz03 disagrees. “If Oscar the Grouch can turn a trash can into a black-market ammunition depot, we might need to rethink our approach to children’s programming,” she said.

Negotiations to restore funding are ongoing, but entertainment insiders say Elmo is heading to retirement after finding a much more lucrative industry. The young, red entrepreneur was seen dining with the Hawk Tuah girl in recent days, leading many to believe he is now laundering cryptocurrency.

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