Gould

Gump Carney, Twitch Freeland, Belly-Button Barbie and Who Cares vie for LPC leadership, pitting four fools fighting for failure.

These 4 Liberal candidates are all the same. Trudeau’s face, heart and soul, but only ONE of them will lose the election to Poilievre

TCN – Ottawa, ON

With Pierre Poilievre and the Conservative Party of Canada’s throat hold on the polls, the Liberal Party of Canada (LPC) continues to inch towards finding a replacement for the country’s second female Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau.

Poilievre’s lead seemed unshakable until just before press time. Voters have recently been made aware that the CPC leader is in favour of sex-selective abortion in Canada, so things might be different Monday morning. In a head-smacking move, the would-be Prime Minister voted NO on Bill C-233 which would have abolished selective abortion in Canada. What the fuck?

On the other side, the LPC’s feather-haired, sock sycophant tip-toes along his endless unicorn ride into the retirement rainbow. The race to lead the Liberal Laurentian Cartel has fallen to a Banana Republic spectacle. New LPC rules allow anyone to participate in the decision. Illegal immigrants, the homeless, the Alphabet People and the country’s penal population have overtaken woke, upper-middle-class male feminists and cat women on the Liberal membership roll.

A quartet of candidates are vying for the opportunity to take the wheel of Trudeau’s globalist, post-nation aircraft. On March 9, party members – including those joining under the pretense of a free Subway sandwich – will determine who will steer the plane into the Rideau Canal.

Con-man Carney, Frazzled Freeland run ahead of the pack

Six days out, Mark Carney is the favourite among the “Champaign Socialists”. The former governor of both the Bank of Canada and the Bank of England is also widely known as Canada’s “Forrest Gump” based on recent claims he’s made.

Carney was present for every major national moment, including the driving of the Golden Spike to open the Canadian Pacific Railroad. He also founded Tim Hortons and talked Terry Fox into not quitting his marathon on a rough, rainy afternoon in August of 1980.

“I am also proud to have played a major role with the American special ops team that killed Osama bin Laden,” he said at a recent rally. “As the lone Canadian brought on board the operation, my heart swelled when I looked down and saw that Maple Leaf on my uniform.”

Tagging along by a single thread of Carney’s coattail is former Finance Minister and future illusionist Chrystia Freeland. Previously a mainstream media propagandist, “Twerky-Twitch” is now using her high profile to leap into her next career as a magician. Her off-hour training is paying off, making money disappear from Canadian coffers on an hourly basis.

Twerky-Twitch’s plan for Canada is more of the same; pillaging the Bank of Canada to fund true patriots. Like Trish Apricot-Swirl, a former Ontario steelworker previously named Michael Strongman requiring extended estrogen and progesterone treatments.

Just yesterday, Freeland twitched her way through a press conference with a new plank in her platform; nuclear military power. As the trade war between Canada and the U.S. flares then douses then flares again, Miss Power Dress has suggested the country align itself with European allies with nuclear warheads to fight the Americans. What the ACTUAL fuck?

A Freeland victory will also allow her to expand her weekly Adderall budget by $3000.

Federal poll fielded by BaNanos Research in February 2025, with a middle field date of February 28, 2025. The poll collected data from a total sample of n=1,024 Canadian respondents via live telephone interviews.

Gould and Bayliss in it for the minute

Then there are the “also-rans”:

Karina Gould is best known for her commitment to social issues, but has adopted a different strategy in her leadership bid. Gould is running on a “show more belly” tact at campaign events. Party insiders say her exposed naval will be substantially benefit her with the perv-vote.

Finally, Frank Bayliss is a supposed entrepreneur (socialists abhor capitalism) and human rights advocate for everyone but teenage soldiers on the front lines of the Russian-Ukraine conflict. Frankly, Frank is in the race so Canadians will stop asking who he is.

As a side note, former Liberal MP Ruby Dhalla was vying for the position until the party removed her on a technicality. In a deep dive into stolen emails from within the Dhalla campaign, party apparatchik discovered the veteran politician was delving too deeply into common sense solutions that would benefit lower and middle-class residents.