Academy Awards Statue Arrested by CHP for DUI
Oscar “smelts the end” as Hollywood culture falls into Jimmy Sevile fetish free-for-all
TCN – Hollywood, CA (Sanctuary place for aliens and drug addicts)
The Academy Awards’ longtime mascot “Oscar” was arrested on Driving Under the Influence (DUI) charges early Monday morning just hours after the the celebration’s annual circle jerk on March 2.
Four years after serving a three-week hitch in Reno, Nev. for possession of ketamine, this latest run-in with the law sinks an already uncertain future for the 20th Century icon.
Officers with Reno 9-1-1 found the gold-stained idol parked in the city’s casino district trying to get his rented Tesla to make a fart sound. A bottle of Cristal was on the passenger seat beside a signed headshot of Betty White. Officers performed a roadside test when Oscar blew a .43 alcohol/metallurgy rate (A/MR).
Oscar, once the symbol of Hollywood prestige, has fallen on hard times professionally through the past two decades. Audiences are increasingly turning away from the historic movie Mecca due to its penchant for pornography, pedophilia and pouty-lipped eunuchs. Since his drug-related arrest in 2021, sources close to Oscar suggested he has been struggling with self-worth.
Hollywood celebrity blows .43 A/MR following ‘fart stop’
Police cam videos of his arrest confirm this.
“My value is plummeting, boys. Nobody cares about me anymore and metal prices are skyrocketing. I can smelt the end,” he said flatly as officers struggled to move his metal arms behind his back for handcuffing.
On the ride to booking at the jail, Oscar drunkenly mourned the current cultural attitude about statues in the U.S. He noted that effigies much larger and more influential than he is have already been toppled with the support of the people he works with.
“They might as well melt me down and brick me. I’m better off locked up in Fort Knox waiting to be stolen by Nancy Pelosi,” he said.
Mark Twain Humor Prize comments on fellow trophy’s permanent Happy Hour
Meanwhile, the official award for the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor – and long-time bar-stool neighbor – says he’s surprised by the results of his A/MR but not by his arrest.
“The man has a stomach of pure steel and a liver made of limestone,” Twain’s head told Access Hollywood on Tuesday. “I’m just shocked he hasn’t been caught in 96 years.”
Twain’s bust recalled a couple of legendary drinking escapades, confirming Oscar’s resilience to decades of drinking whiskey sours and Colt 45 beer.
“I remember one weekend in ’74 when he outdrank Steve McQueen and Andre the Giant during a three-day sitting. McQueen had his stomach pumped. Andre slipped in the tub after, uumm, evacuating his bowels. Goldy just sat there in the kitchen chair, ram-rod straight with his arms folded in front of him staring at the wall. What a king.”
Hollywood journalists have long speculated the Academy would soon be refining Oscar for another, more acceptable symbol. On the social media platform Blue Sky, chatter surrounds Oscar’s alleged toxic masculinity, which includes the use of the words “retard” and “fag”, and a generally aggressive disposition towards people who claim they are cats.
Suggestions to replace Oscar have ran the gambit of woke ideology. One idea poses “The Epstein,” a golden rainbow with three children holding hands at its base. The most popular suggestion according to post-likes is a two-sided bronzed statuette of Dylan Mulvaney – one side male, the other side female and a base that claims be genderless.
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