Patriots

Willing citizens set aside logic and home budgets at the behest of a raving Team Canada.

TCN – Toronto, ON

As the trade war between Canada and the United States flares up, proud Canucks are taking that extra step to keep the mirage of the country alive.

With a middle-class now well educated on living below the poverty line, proud Canadians see incoming tariffs as just another way to prove they are “all-in” on financial sodomy. With tit-for-tat tariffs driving up the price of everything from lumber to lettuce, the country’s residents are willingly handing over their debit cards to defend Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s precious post-nation-state status.

Economists are calling it “patriotic insolvency.”

“It’s surprising people don’t remember Grade 8 Social Studies,” said University of Ottawa Professor of Economics Greg Moneymin. “We sell raw materials to the U.S. where they tariff them. They send back finished products and we tariff those. Every time we trade, Canadians pay more. It’s win-win for the revenues of both federal governments. And Joe Beaver from Wilcox, Saskatchewan pays for it all.”

Canucks do their part for soup, sovereignty and absolute insolvency

A multitude of residents north of the 49th Parallel have learned to live on minuscule budgets under a fiscally-retarded Liberal-NDP government. Mark Dumphus is a retired civil servant who recently lost his home to foreclosure. The regular at Windsor, Ont. food banks says his chest bursts with pride every time he sits to his single, daily meal.

“I can’t afford groceries, but that’s just one more way I can show my love for the Maple Leaf and Team Canada,” he said, pulling a thread from the cuff of his tattered 1993 Team Canada hockey jersey. “Yeah, I lost my house. But I have never felt more proud of being Canadian.”

Dumphus collapsed moments later and was sent to hospital. TCN has learned that his National Pride was diagnosed as chronic heartburn from the over-consumption of processed foods.

Other Canadians consider bankruptcy this country’s new badge of honor.

“Americans might have affordable goods, but we have them too. They’re just a little more expensive,” said Vancouver, B.C. resident Julie McAllister, her tin coffee cup half full of nickels and dimes from three hours of pauper-work. “Excluding savings accounts, we have everything available to us that they do.”

Twenty-faced Trudeau crows then cowers

Meanwhile, Prime Minister Trudeau reassured citizens that poverty is just a temporary adjustment in Canada’s path towards globalist enlightenment.

“What is a country, really?” he asked a crowd of supporters at a rally in London, Ont. on Monday. “Borders? Money? These are archaic constructs established by CIS males with self-esteem issues. Nevertheless, we will defeat America in the game they have dominated and perfected for the last 200 years.”

The Prime Minister’s Office immediately sent out an X post sort of reversing the position. “Prime Minister Trudeau misspoke during a rally this morning in London, Ont. To our American friends, allies and financiers; we can’t control him.”

Canadians remain unwavering in their sacrifice, proving that nothing says patriotism like smiling over a bowl of thin gruel at a cold kitchen table.