tariffs Archives | The Can News

Trump Targets Canadian Brands in Latest Renaming Campaign

3 weeks ago

U.S. president vows to replace Canadian names with “something more American” amid escalating trade war

The Can News – Washington, DC

U.S. President Donald Trump has reportedly expanded his campaign to rename things he considers insufficiently American, setting his sights on some of Canada’s most recognizable brands as the economic and tariff dispute between the two countries continues to escalate.

After taking credit for changing the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America and reportedly floating new names for other Canadian landmarks, Trump is now promising to “fix” Canadian products entering the American market. Canadian Tire could become American Tire, Canada Goose may soon migrate south as American Goose, while Canada Dry would reportedly be rebranded American Dry — a move critics say could finally explain why nobody has ever been entirely sure what “dry” means in the first place.

The renaming plan is intended to ensure that Americans “never accidentally purchase something with the word Canada on it without first paying a tariff and becoming emotionally confused.”

The proposed makeover would not stop there. Sources close to the administration say Canadian Club could become American Club, Canadian National Railway would be renamed American National Railway, and CIBC — the Canadian Imperial Bank of Commerce — could emerge as the considerably more patriotic-sounding American Ice Bank of Commerce. Even Canadian bacon has reportedly been targeted, with officials considering American Bacon, despite concerns that the product is already known in the United States as something Canadians barely recognize as bacon. An unnamed White House official said the renaming plan is intended to ensure that Americans “never accidentally purchase something with the word Canada on it without first paying a tariff and becoming emotionally confused.”

Canada’s Prime Minister Mark Carney reacting to Trump’s announcements in front of the Canadian Parliament yesterday

Canadian officials have not announced a formal response, although sources say several government departments are already reviewing possible retaliatory measures, including renaming the White House the “Temporary American Residence” and referring to Mount Rushmore as “Four Guys on a Hill.” Meanwhile, Trump reportedly dismissed concerns about the growing trade dispute, telling advisers that Canada and the United States have “a tremendous relationship — one of the best relationships — especially when everything Canadian has a different name.”

Doug Ford didn’t exactly mirror Prime Minister Mark Carney’s polite diplomacy regarding Trump’s new Canadian goods and Lake Ontario renaming campaign. Instead, Ford told both Trump and Carney to “kiss his ass,” promising a swift Ontario offensive that begins with flooding New York State with the waters of Lake Ontario.

Canadian Patriotism Spikes Alongside Middle-Class Bankruptcy

2 years ago

Willing citizens set aside logic and home budgets at the behest of a raving Team Canada.

TCN – Toronto, ON

As the trade war between Canada and the United States flares up, proud Canucks are taking that extra step to keep the mirage of the country alive.

With a middle-class now well educated on living below the poverty line, proud Canadians see incoming tariffs as just another way to prove they are “all-in” on financial sodomy. With tit-for-tat tariffs driving up the price of everything from lumber to lettuce, the country’s residents are willingly handing over their debit cards to defend Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s precious post-nation-state status.

Economists are calling it “patriotic insolvency.”

“It’s surprising people don’t remember Grade 8 Social Studies,” said University of Ottawa Professor of Economics Greg Moneymin. “We sell raw materials to the U.S. where they tariff them. They send back finished products and we tariff those. Every time we trade, Canadians pay more. It’s win-win for the revenues of both federal governments. And Joe Beaver from Wilcox, Saskatchewan pays for it all.”

Canucks do their part for soup, sovereignty and absolute insolvency

A multitude of residents north of the 49th Parallel have learned to live on minuscule budgets under a fiscally-retarded Liberal-NDP government. Mark Dumphus is a retired civil servant who recently lost his home to foreclosure. The regular at Windsor, Ont. food banks says his chest bursts with pride every time he sits to his single, daily meal.

“I can’t afford groceries, but that’s just one more way I can show my love for the Maple Leaf and Team Canada,” he said, pulling a thread from the cuff of his tattered 1993 Team Canada hockey jersey. “Yeah, I lost my house. But I have never felt more proud of being Canadian.”

Dumphus collapsed moments later and was sent to hospital. TCN has learned that his National Pride was diagnosed as chronic heartburn from the over-consumption of processed foods.

Other Canadians consider bankruptcy this country’s new badge of honor.

“Americans might have affordable goods, but we have them too. They’re just a little more expensive,” said Vancouver, B.C. resident Julie McAllister, her tin coffee cup half full of nickels and dimes from three hours of pauper-work. “Excluding savings accounts, we have everything available to us that they do.”

Twenty-faced Trudeau crows then cowers

Meanwhile, Prime Minister Trudeau reassured citizens that poverty is just a temporary adjustment in Canada’s path towards globalist enlightenment.

“What is a country, really?” he asked a crowd of supporters at a rally in London, Ont. on Monday. “Borders? Money? These are archaic constructs established by CIS males with self-esteem issues. Nevertheless, we will defeat America in the game they have dominated and perfected for the last 200 years.”

The Prime Minister’s Office immediately sent out an X post sort of reversing the position. “Prime Minister Trudeau misspoke during a rally this morning in London, Ont. To our American friends, allies and financiers; we can’t control him.”

Canadians remain unwavering in their sacrifice, proving that nothing says patriotism like smiling over a bowl of thin gruel at a cold kitchen table.