transgender

Minnesota Parents Seek Help from State’s New Pronoun Crisis Line

2 weeks ago

Pre-K son refuses to use parents’ preferred identifiers after extended visit with Grandma

TCN – MINNEAPOLIS

A five-year-old has become the subject of two heated disputes, one that is tearing his family apart.

The other may put a new Child and Protective Services (CPS) re-education program to the test.

Freddy, the son of Apple and Garth Izzconfused, is facing a three-month stint at Minnesota’s new CPS Identification Re-Education Program developed by Governor and 2024 Democratic vice-presidential candidate, Tim Walz.

The Izzconfuseds say they have been losing hair, sleep and sanity through the past eight months trying to teach their child their preferred pronouns. After months of frustrating failure, they called the CPS’s “Pronoun Crisis Hotline” for help.

Apple, a gender-fluid individual who describes itself as “a female goddess in male form,” prefers the pronouns “vee/vim/vicodin.” Freddy’s mother, Garth, exudes the rugged demeanor of a 60s-era Clint Eastwood. “Feel” insists on being called “feel/lucky/punk.”

Freddy holds steadfast to the simple, traditional format for the English language.

Three weeks at Grandma’s with an iPad

“We left him with his grandmother and an iPad for three weeks while we went to Hedonism Heaven in Cancun last year. We returned expecting our precious progressive child, full of joy. Instead, we have a stoic, literate pre-K asshole brainwashed by Boomerism,” said Garth.

Freddy says he learned to read and write through extended YouTube consumption while visiting his Nana. This, alongside Nana’s common sense approach to life, language and love, motivated him to change his perspective.

“Pronouns, as grammatical markers, serve primarily as a linguistic convenience rather than a substantive identity determinant,” Freddy told TCN during a video interview on Wednesday. The five-year-old sipped an Americano and adjusted his bowtie as he spoke.

“The entire ordeal seems to be less about my language use and more about the ever-expanding taxonomy of self-perception.”

Father/mother manic about son’s new traditional philosophies

Apple is beside vicodinself over the issue.

“Freddy is nothing but a big meanie,” vee screamed, crushing vim juice box in despair and pulling a baby soother out of vim pocket. “He won’t say what he’s supposed to. He put a booboo on my heart real bad.”

Due to privacy concerns, Minnesota CPS representatives will not comment on the issue. According to the CPS pronoun program’s procedural manual, officials will weigh several options. Among them is the re-education camp. Before then, both sides will see if they can reach a compromise where Freddy refers to both parents as a unit with a single term.

Freddy has suggested “imbecilli inutiles,” a Latin term meaning “usless idiots.”

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Are you a Conservative or a Liberal? Take our QUIZ and find out where you land on the poli-spectrum

1 year ago

Do you ever wonder what political pigeon-hole you sit in? The results of this Quiz will determine whether you are conservative, moderate, liberal or something as aggregiously confusing as The Green Party. Results from these eight simple questions will also show you which Canadian political party is more aligned with your values and ideas. Be informed before the next Canadian Federal election.

Instructions: Please pick only ONE answer for each question (A or B). Note your answers then determine the results of your analysis at the bottom of the page.

#1: If you were or are a homosexual, you…

Answer A or B (only one option)

A. Quietly lead your life with or without a partner. It’s your being, not your identity. Sure, you might sip your tea with your pinky up or talk with a feminine lisp, but you rarely – if ever – discuss your sexual preferences in social situations. You simply don’t make a big deal about it. In other words, you are a balanced, productive, happy, caring, compassionate and humble member of society.

B. Like to shock people, show them you are something special and demand respect. Everyone must know you are homosexual, a member in good standing of the Self-Victimization Association. You demand legislated respect. Missing a Pride Parade? And miss an opportunity to walk the streets partially or fully nude? Are you kidding? You carry a literal LGBTQ+ member card and flash it in the face of everyone you call “homophobe.” Considering it’s your favorite defense mechanism – even in an argument over a parking spot – the card is used on the daily. Finally, you don’t have kids, but school board meetings are your primary social justice warrior target, demanding that pornographic LGBTQ+ books be included in the Elementary School curriculum. Preferably your own, hand-drawn cartoon flip book at a tidy price of $10 per book. That’s a profit.

#2: If you were or are an atheist, you…

Answer A or B (only one option)

A. Are a non-believer, don’t go to church. You might be wary of religion, but pastors, priests, reverends, imams are just people working a job. To you, they are not the tip of the sword for God in your community. You believe they are servants to their followers; though you shake your head at some of the things “church-people” say. Like, “You played with your rock band at a bar last night? The devil’s music? You know, back in Jesus’s day, we could have stoned you for that.” (True story).

B. Want to go tell it on the mountain, that God isn’t real. Someone mentions prayer in an anecdote, and you want to pull the hair out of your nostrils. “HE DOESN’T EXIST!” you scream, wailing and moaning like you are already in Hell. No one can mention the Almighty One. Government bureaucrats and politicians who use God in their speeches work for the devil you don’t believe in. To you, the Bible is a work of fiction, written in cold, candle-lit caverns by munks with opium addictions. There’s no point in reading it. The language in the book alone is as clear as frozen windshield in an ice storm. Finally, those religious folks; they’re so silly and naive. Who thinks a 2000-year-old cult is still relevant? That’s why you make fun of all Christians, but Muslims are untouchable. They’re reaction to opposition lean to the permanently dead side.

#3: If you were or are a vegetarian, you…

Answer A or B (only one option)

A. Just don’t eat meat. The only time you talk about it is when an acquaintance asks while out to dinner. Even at that, the conversation on the topic is short and inconsequential. When someone asks, “How’s the grazing going?” you laugh at the joke as you bite into a delicious vegetarian pork rind.

B. Make sure everybody knows you are a vegetarian and they should be a herbivore too. Whenever you see someone eating meat, they MUST know that it’s not good for their health, the environment, the moon and some parts of the cosmos. You want all meat products banned, including dogs and the Northern Canadian delicacy, beaver tail. Finally, meat-ban protests in front of restaurants and supermarkets are your only social activities. If you’re not beating meat, you are part of the problem.

#4: If you were or are a black person, you…

Answer A or B (only one option)

A. Know you are black, but never think about it. You have thoughts, experiences and problems everyone else of any color has; work to do, bills to pay, spouses to keep happy, surviving a day of heavy bloating caused by a bad taquito from 7-Eleven. Yes, there have been injustices committed to black people by white society during the world-wide slavery period, but that was a long time ago. It does not affect your daily activities. Like your parents/grandparents, your family has left it all behind since the Civil Rights Movement and aim to build a new, inclusive society for everyone. Your birth-land is North America. You have never been to Africa and think being called an “African-Canadian” is moronic. Two hundred years of generational Canadian citizenship is what you value; regardless of what finely-quaffed, fancy-socked Prime Minister is destroying your country.

B. Are obviously a victim of the white supremacy, allowing you the relief of no responsibility for your actions. Someone bumps into you in the elevator: Black oppression. A banker asks for your credit rating for a loan application: Black oppression. You wish R/C Cola still existed: Black oppression. You apply for every university and corporation holding racial staffing quotas. You think it’s the only way to knock off the Asian applicants.

As far as you know, only white people owned slaves and you refuse to believe they were purchased from Black African tribes. You ignore the fact that in North America, white people were integral to their liberation. Meanwhile, back “home” in Africa, the slave trade is vast and growing. Nevertheless, you are the victim who deserves reparations. “Dollar bills, Mofo.” Your regular use of the victim-card is enhanced by your VIP membership to BLM. All the money you have donated to the organization was used to develop a better society via rioting and looting. The money is not used for BLM leadership mansions, luxury cars and a lifetime supply of Cheetos.

#5: If you were or are a white person, you…

Answer A or B (only one option)

A. Know you are white, but never think about it. You have thoughts, experiences and problems everyone else of any color has; work to do, bills to pay, spouses to keep happy, surviving a day of heavy bloating caused by a bad taquito from Taco Bell. You compete, work and provide for your family despite racist hiring quotas and virtuous white women in high, powerful positions. Sure, it’s not fair, but complaining won’t do anything about it. “Lady-Bosses” don’t speak “mansplaining.” It’s obvious to you that the majority-white population may impact governmental policy, but feel that “white-supremacy” died with acid rain and the hole in the ozone layer. North America, Europe and Australia’s white majority welcomes and interacts with based, productive, legal immigrants regardless of skin tone. It’s more important for you to survive in a squeezed, middle-class economy where bread is now itemized in your tight budget. Race doesn’t come to mind as you ply your trade.

B. Hate being white and you identify as an Afro-Canadian or First Nations. You weep in guilt regularly because your ancestors lived alongside slavery and the Indian Act. Whether they participated in the tragedies is irrelevant. History is lost on you and any suggestion that black slaves were murdered by Africa’s ruling tribes instead of being sold and shipped to North America is deemed conspiracy. You abhor “cultural appropriation” but have no problem donning an Indian headdress or an African tunic to show your support. The colour of your skin automatically makes you responsible for tragedies that happened in 1820. The line of historic racism is drawn straight to you, and you wear that guilt like eyeliner on a third-rate Los Angeles hooker. Reparations are warranted, but that’s for the rich to pay. You’re guilty, but not that guilty.

#6: If you care for the environment, you…

Answer A or B (only one option)

A. Like to fish, hike, hunt, garden, camp and so much more to get outside, all while conserving the environment around you. All trash either stays on the passenger seat of your car or hits a gas station garbage bin. Pissing in a river is not a big deal, but raw communal sewage dumps are a travesty. You dream of building a cabin in the woods and living off the land, hunting and fishing for food. You believe your government fees for hunting and fishing are spent on wildlife management practices that include population control. Finally, you are disgusted by the Canadian government’s method of culling deer; a process that included a helicopter, three marksmen and sub-machine guns. Cannons must be used as flyswatters in Ottawa.

B. Love Greta Thunberg and think she is the most knowledgeable and influential person in the climate change industry. All of your Green Peace, PETA and Green Party memberships are up-to-date, moving you to scream bloody murder whenever you hear hunters legally harvesting an animal. “Meat is murder,” you yell. Other mottos include, “Humans are the problem,” “Leave Earth to the animals,” and “Your lattes are way too expensive. By the way, is that soy milk?” “Climate Change” started in 1900 and the world has never seen such an existential threat. Any statistics showing climate constantly evolving in a rhythmic pattern through its billions of years of existence are ignored. The proof is in a “hockey-stick” graph that looks like someone spilled coffee on it and adjusted the ink. Finally, anyone who does not believe what’s happening is a “climate denier” deserving a public hanging from the nearest old-growth Maple tree. The tree takes its revenge for their sacrilegious ideas and a deadly carbon footprint that suggests you vape methane right out of a cow’s ass.

#7: If you were or are a pot smoker, knowing it’s legal to do it in Canada, you…

Answer A or B (only one option)

A. Smoke your pot discretely by yourself or with friends. It might be a lifestyle choice, but it’s no different than a shot of Whispering Prick rye-whiskey; a social lubricant that isn’t necessarily required in every scenario, but it’s certainly more fun. You may not notice you smell like skunk, but are conscientious enough to freshen your clothes for others who can smell it. Smoking weed out of an apple-pipe is desperate and unnecessary to you. Snorting kief in the privacy of your own office, however, is acceptable.

B. You scream about consuming pot more than you actually smoke it. You have a pot leaf patch on all of your jackets and the tattoo on your back says, “I Bleed Weed.” You jump down the throat of anyone who asks you not to imbibe in public. “It’s my fucking medicine, man,” you say despite being in perfect health. “You think I’m an asshole now, wait til you see me sobre.” Everyone must know the benefits of the cannabis lifestyle. The drug is legal in Canada, so everyone should be smoking it! Those who refuse are probably touched with Downs Syndrome, of which weed also provides benefits with its miracle THC and CBD properties.

#8: If you (were) are born in Quebec, would you want to separate your province from the rest of Canada?

Answer A or B (only one option)

A. NO. The rest of Canada has become a fantastic financier for your French-socialist wet dreams. Giving up that is like throwing out a freshly-made plate of poutine.

B. YES. Canadians hate the French. It’s obvious. They won’t speak the language in Elbow, Sask. so it’s plainly obvious the Quebecois are lesser-than the rest of the country. We can experience our socialist wet dreams in our own country by milking our Laurentian oligarchs.

ANWERS TO THE QUIZ:

8 B’s = You are a fucking communist and are kindly asked to get the hell out of Canada immediately. If you decide to stay, your political party is the NDP led by Jagmeet Singh. This well rounded individual will ensure your reliance and compliance with their idealistic society while further growing his collection of Rolex watches and Mercedes sedans.

8 A’s = You’re definitely a hardcore conservative, fiscally and socially. You appreciate privacy, tradition and a balanced lifestyle based on family, hard work and ribeyes on Sunday evenings. There is only one party in Canada for you: PPC – the People’s Party of Canada led by Maxime Bernier, the only Canadian politician to be arrested for using his constitutional right to socialize during the COVID pandemic. The only politician to ask, “What in the actual fuck are you idiots on Parliament Hill doing?” The only politician who spoke to citizens during that tyrannical period.

4 A’s and 4 B’s =

You are a moderate person who prefers the comfort of a seat on the fence. Your parties of choice next election are the CPC (Conservative Party of Canada), or maybe the LP (Liberal Party). Either way, very little changes in Canada when either one of the uni-party takes the House of Commons.

3 A’s and 5 B’s =

You are definitely left-wing and don’t know what family really means yet. Your party is the LP, the NDP and/or the Green Party.

5 A’s and 3 B’s =

You lean to the right, but not too far, making your party of choice the CPC. Remember, you are not a fully-sorted conservative person yet… But keep moving in the right direction and you should be voting for the People’s Party of Canada (PPC).

6 A’s and 2 B’s =

You lean to the right and you are almost there if you want to become a conservative at heart. Your parties are the CPC or maybe the PPC.

2 A’s and 6 B’s =

You are very left-wing always seeking government support. Your party is the NDP. The party is run by strong, young vibrant terrorist/separatist Jagmeet Singh. Elect him and all trade with India ends due to his banning in that country. On the positive side, universal basic income and free abortions on Thursdays.

1 A and 7 B’s =

You are a socialist person for sure. You like enjoying the freebies from the government, and working is something that is not in your plans… Your parties are the NDP and the Liberal Party.

7 A’s and 1 B =

You are almost a real conservative 100%! If you keeping going this way, your party is the PPC. But if you suddenly decide that all abortions should be legal, your party is the CPC or the LP.

IMPORTANT NOTES:

  • QUESTION #7: No matter if you answered A or B to question #7, you are a pot lover. However, if you have more A’s than B’s, your party could be the Libertarian Party of Canada or the PPC party. If you have more B’s than A’s your party could be the Liberal Party or the Conservative Party. If you have answered 4/4 you are a pothead, and should stay out of politics. Just remember, you only vote NDP if all your answers are B.
  • QUESTION #8: If you answered YES (B) to question #8 regardless of what you answered to the previous questions, you are still a FUCKING separatist! Vote Bloc Quebecois. Considering you don’t want to be Canadian, this Quiz is NOT for you. We’ve just wasted your time. You are welcome!
  • If the RESULTS have shown that you are a conservative, we bet you are going to forward this quiz to your friends so they can have a good laugh. But if you are a liberal you’re probably not reading this far. If you are, fuck off. We know you are already “offended.” Run along now, and tell everyone how bigoted TCN’s content is. Either way, it’s advertising. Spread the word.
  • SUBSCRIBE to The Can News and receive more fun quizzes and polls in your email inbox.

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Trans Bud Light ends transition: Returning to manhood

1 year ago

“Beer drinkers were confused by the idea of drinking a beer that didn’t identify as beer. What the hell were they drinking?” – Ron Smith, Beverage Marketing Specialist.

The Can News – St. Louis, Missouri

In the summer of 2023, beer-drinking starter kit BUD LIGHT came out of the closet to show the world its new, fresh, queer, taste and pride. Beer drinkers reacted almost immediately and Trans Bud Light’s sales plummeted.

“Beer drinkers were confused by the idea of drinking beer that didn’t identify as beer. What the hell were they drinking?” said Ron Smith, a veteran beverage industry psychological analyst.

Light-beer drinkers rejected the transition after Trans Bud Light entered the market. Many chose the slightly less-liberal brand, “Gay Beer,” with its now-famous tagline “Light as a Fairy”. Trans Bud Light went on to lose 64 per cent of its market share to the San Francisco-based competitor.

Gay Beer had long been the favourite brew among the LGB community, the only demographic among Alphabet People that drinks beer. The rest, said Smith, prefer to ruin the party, jealous that their refusal to consume gluten excludes them from the fun.

Anheuser-Busch’s US marketing chief may step down following Bud Light sales plunge

Trans Bud Light-maker Anheuser-Busch InBev struggled in the American market after a conservative-led boycott quelled their attempt to penetrate transitioning people. Drunk on their own product and high on Portland Passion mushrooms, corporate board members failed to see the consquences of their actions soon enough. Insiders suggest they were also distracted by the daily, free pole dance performances by grateful A/C to D/C dancers.

This week, the company has instructed Trans Bud Light managers to return the beer’s identity to its previous incarnation, catering to sports enthusiasts, cattlemen and heterosexual orgy organizers.

“It’s time to re-reassign Bud Light’s gender reassignment so I don’t have to resign,” said Brendan Curry, Anheuser-Busch InBev CEO. “We made a mistake. We listened to the peanut gallery and before we found out they were nuts with no nuts, it was too late.”

Anheuser-Busch InBev is spending millions of dollars trying to return Trans Bud Light back to Bud Light. This effort includes a Super Bowl 2024 advertisement featuring anti-woke comic Shane Gillis alongside retired NFL superstar Peyton Manning, UFC CEO Dana White and pop music sensation Post Malone. All were expected to have their penises intact during the new spot.

Do you think it’s gonna work? Please let us know.

To view the images below, please click on them.

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Gender Neutral Dialect Could Become Canada’s 3rd Official Language

5 years ago

Canada’s Minister of Diversity, Inclusion and Youth, Hon. Kitchendish MoveslikeJagger announced yesterday that the Liberal government will be introducing Bill C-69-4U2 in the House of Commons next month in order to amend the “Official Languages Act”, which could make the “Gender Neutral Dialect” another official language in Canada.

Most political scientists are saying that the Liberals will probably have the support of the NDP, Green Party and some Conservatives to get Bill C-69-4U2 passed in the parliament.

Once this bill is passed and approved by the Senate as well, the “Gender Neutral Dialect” will become part of the “Official Languages Act” and will be recognized as one of Canada’s official languages, henceforth the new language will be officially called “Transcreepy“.

Transcreepy /tranz ?kr?p?/ adjective: relating to Canada or its people or language. | noun: One of Canada’s official languages, widely used in many varieties throughout the LGBTQRSTUVXZ world community.

After becoming a Canadian official language, Transcreepy will be taught in all daycare facilities, elementary and trades schools, colleges and universities across Canada, including Quebec.

HOW THE NEW LANGUAGE WILL AFFECT CANADIANS

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau told us during an interview that Canada will be investing $3.2 billion on the introduction plan of its new official language. This initial investment will cover expenses such as administrative, infrastructure, educational, promotional and juridical costs necessary to implement all these changes in the public and private sectors, like including the Transcreepy language on the labels of all products made in Canada, road and street signs, Federal Election Leaders’ Debates, government premises, websites and correspondence, among several others. 

All traffic warning signs across Canada will be trilingual. The signs should display all warnings in French, English and Transcreepy, as shown in this picture.

“Oh Lord, as if the French language wasn’t gay enough, now they come up with this?” said uncle J. Billy – retired man & hoarder – Thompson, Manitoba

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW TO SURVIVE IN THE MODERN WORLD

Well, learning this new language is the easiest part, you can sign up for Transcreepy classes at any public educational facility. Classes are free of charge when you donate any used women’s clothes, a makeup kit or lipsticks to help the Canadian Drag Queen Association in Nova Scotia.

Gender-Neutral Pronouns – Definition & Examples Chart. Click on image to enlarge it.

Learning Transcreepy is not the only thing you need to do in order to survive in this modern world. In reality, the most difficult challenge will be trying to identify the person/people who you are going to use Transcreepy to communicate with. Usually it is easy to identify people who speak other languages by just relying on their physical appearance, for example when you see a white Asian guy eating with chopsticks without dropping the sushi on the table, you will know right away that guy probably speaks Japanese, Chinese or Korean. Or when you go for that morning walk and spot a big nose guy exhibiting feminine mannerisms while holding a fresh baguette under his arm, you know that man speaks French. But turns out to be a whole different ball game and nearly impossible to identify non-binary or gender neutral people who speak Transcreepy, because it doesn’t have anything to do with their appearance. Since you can’t just ask them who or what they are, in order to identify them you will need to be able to read their minds to find out who they “think” they are. “And even if you are able to read their minds and identify them today, tomorrow they might think they are someone else…” says the American illusionist Criss Angel – The Mindfreak.

“…in order to identify them you will need to be able to read their minds to find out who they “think” they are.” says the American illusionist Criss Angel – The Mindfreak.

If you are not a mind reader, there is another way to approach them and find out who they “think” they are at that specific moment. First, keep in mind that it’s not a good idea to ask strangers about their pronouns or sexual preferences. Even though it feels like the right thing to do, be aware that you might be asking someone to out themselves as trans, pedo, zoophilic or nonbinary – which they may not feel comfortable doing, depending on the situation. (Imagine having this conversation in a place other than a mental institution.) Instead, you could start a conversation about pronouns by sharing your own: “Hi, I’m Tracy, my pronouns are she/her and I love having sex with younger men.” The first time can be a little awkward, but chances are good that you’re not nearly as socially inept as you believe you are.

"al'ashkhas aldhyn yatahadathun hadhih allughat yastahiquwn qate rawwasihm!"

“People who speak this language deserve to have their heads chopped off!” said Khalil Muhammachete – Iman at the Mississauga’s Islamic Centre in Ontario.

Khalil Muhammachete - Iman of the Missisauga's Islamic Centre
  • Jack, Milly and Susie are happy together!
  • Some of the most common gender neutral pronouns are Zippo, X, Stiff, Pedophilic and Elf.
thecannews.com

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TRANS-DUDES: Proud of Beating the Crap Out of Women

5 years ago

The Can News – Ottawa, ON

Women fought long and hard to earn equal athletic opportunities, but because of these trans-dudes, young women are forced to be spectators in their own sports. “We all know the outcome of the race before it even starts; it’s demoralizing,” says American woman, stay away from me. (by Lenny Kravitz)

The girls don’t seem to be really happy, but South Africa’s Trans-Dude Blaster Dementya doesn’t give a damn. 

Males and females are different – duh!

Is it too hard to understand? On average, men have 36% more skeletal muscle mass, according to one study. In general, males are taller, have thicker bones and have greater lung capacity than their female counterparts. Cross-hormone treatment (with all the risks and side effects such treatments entail) cannot fully suppress all these biological competitive advantages. Indeed, the entire premise behind sex-specific competition in sports is the simple scientific reality that, in general, males are stronger, faster and more physically powerful than females. As a result, if males and females are required to compete together, women will almost always lose.

Pow! Right in the kisser, bitch!

There is no excuse for a man hitting a woman, unless he thinks he is a woman…

“You’re out of your mind? It doesn’t make sense to allow men who suddenly decide they are a woman to enter sports competitions against women…” says Joe Rogan, MMA commentator.

New Zealand’s weightlifter Barrel Scabbard – Gillete Venus Ad

 

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