Trans Bud Light ends transition: Returning to manhood

“Beer drinkers were confused by the idea of drinking a beer that didn’t identify as beer. What the hell were they drinking?” – Ron Smith, Beverage Marketing Specialist.

The Can News – St. Louis, Missouri

In the summer of 2023, beer-drinking starter kit BUD LIGHT came out of the closet to show the world its new, fresh, queer, taste and pride. Beer drinkers reacted almost immediately and Trans Bud Light’s sales plummeted.

“Beer drinkers were confused by the idea of drinking beer that didn’t identify as beer. What the hell were they drinking?” said Ron Smith, a veteran beverage industry psychological analyst.

Light-beer drinkers rejected the transition after Trans Bud Light entered the market. Many chose the slightly less-liberal brand, “Gay Beer,” with its now-famous tagline “Light as a Fairy”. Trans Bud Light went on to lose 64 per cent of its market share to the San Francisco-based competitor.

Gay Beer had long been the favourite brew among the LGB community, the only demographic among Alphabet People that drinks beer. The rest, said Smith, prefer to ruin the party, jealous that their refusal to consume gluten excludes them from the fun.

Anheuser-Busch’s US marketing chief may step down following Bud Light sales plunge

Trans Bud Light-maker Anheuser-Busch InBev struggled in the American market after a conservative-led boycott quelled their attempt to penetrate transitioning people. Drunk on their own product and high on Portland Passion mushrooms, corporate board members failed to see the consquences of their actions soon enough. Insiders suggest they were also distracted by the daily, free pole dance performances by grateful A/C to D/C dancers.

This week, the company has instructed Trans Bud Light managers to return the beer’s identity to its previous incarnation, catering to sports enthusiasts, cattlemen and heterosexual orgy organizers.

“It’s time to re-reassign Bud Light’s gender reassignment so I don’t have to resign,” said Brendan Curry, Anheuser-Busch InBev CEO. “We made a mistake. We listened to the peanut gallery and before we found out they were nuts with no nuts, it was too late.”

Anheuser-Busch InBev is spending millions of dollars trying to return Trans Bud Light back to Bud Light. This effort includes a Super Bowl 2024 advertisement featuring anti-woke comic Shane Gillis alongside retired NFL superstar Peyton Manning, UFC CEO Dana White and pop music sensation Post Malone. All were expected to have their penises intact during the new spot.

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