US Press Secretary

‘Chucky’ Jean-Pierre Now Identifies as Nine-Year-Old, White Boy

8 months ago

Gay, black White House Press Secretary assumes new personality to battle contentious media gallery. Deems all anti-Biden questions as child abuse. 

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Frustrated by a growing chorus of negative presidential media coverage, White House Press Secretary Chucky Jean-Pierre (his previous name is now dead), has come out as an infantilist.
 
Besides being gay, female and black, the embattled spokesperson claimed on Friday he is a precocious, nine-year-old, white boy with all of its “privilege and acclaim, including your lack of respect for questioning anything I say, you meanies,” he said during his reveal in front of the White House Press Corp.
 
“I have been deprived of the true privilege I deserve of a white person due to the color of my skin,” said Jean-Pierre, who has incorporated a novel wardrobe of jumpsuits, long-sleeve tee-shirts and two mini-potatoes for his boxer-briefs. “Don’t let my vagina fool you. Just because the stick isn’t there doesn’t mean I don’t have balls. And I can prove it.”
 
Jean-Pierre paid particular attention to long-time rival and Fox News White House correspondent Pretty Peter Doocy during her announcement.
 
“And you, Mister,” he said, flipping a middle finger in Doocy’s direction. “Suggest I’m a liar again and we’ll take it to the playground sumo-style. I’m now a three-time victim; I’m gay, I’m black and I’m an undersized, white boy. But I’ll still take you down, Douchy.”

President Snooze-Button not concerned about Chucky’s evolution

An hour later, United States President Snooze-Button Biden mumbled, burped and gagged when asked about Jean-Pierre’s announcement.

“Always knew that girl had balls. It’s why I hired her in the first place. Plus her hair smelled like fresh tuna,” Biden said before entering his helicopter for his daily Dippin Dots treat.

“Now she’s a he, what about it, man? C’mon. The only loss I see is I can’t smell that hair anymore. Mhmmm. Fresh, natural tuna.”

Some political analysts suggest this is a keen political move considering a rumor that voter laws will allow all humans within American borders on election day to cast a vote.

“They might be chasing that new, key five-to-nine year old demographic, which is smart,” said former Democratic strategist, Rick Ratface. “Why do you think the President is seen eating ice cream all the time? I think that was an important signal that they are one step ahead of the Republicans in making the U.S. a world leader again; through the bendable will of our youth.”

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