‘Mexican president Mitterand told me he’ll open Gaza for the free flow of hummus.’ – US President Snooze-Button Biden
The Can News – Washington, DC
US President Joe “Snooze-Button” Biden – America’s first sitting, unalive leader – is not feeling well.
Although already dead when the Democrat Party pushed him as presidential nominee in 2020, his condition has declined to the point where handlers can’t get him to walk, talk or think of anything other than Rocky Road ice cream. Political talk-holes across the country are saying it’s no different than when former President and High Grand MAGA Puba Donald Trump misspeaks. In Biden’s case, many media outlets suggest that making fun of the elderly – no matter how alive – was subhuman.
“Trump is still fair game,” one noted. “He’s old, but he ain’t dead yet.”
Meanwhile, the Democratic Party apparatchik remains committed to propping up Snooze-Button’s corpse for another five years. Conservative tongue twirlers say the party has become a political cult with no ethical or moral standards.
Biden recently confused the terrorist group, Hamas, with the Middle Eastern condiment dip, hummus; a thick dip or spread made from ground chickpeas, sesame seeds, olive oil, lemon, and garlic.
When asked for clarification, he responded, “Huh? C’mon, man? I can spell Bob. There’s an ‘A,’ an ‘O,’ and a ‘C.’ Whaddya think I’m stupid. Top of my college class, buddy.”
Bidens begin dirt-bed preparations
The Biden family and friends are selling Snooze-Button-themed memoir and music recording, “A Momentary Lapse of Memory” to raise funding for a yet-to-be scheduled funeral. Rumors currently suggest
Donations to the noble cause can be made at biden_funeral.com. The Biden’s family has already thanked supporters of the fundraiser with a statement saying this will enable them to put new flooring in their Nantucket mansion.
Democrats are seeking a more powerful preservative to ensure his availability through the 2024 U.S. Election this fall, however.
Regardless of which direction Lifeless Joe is foisted, we at The Can News, sincerely wish the very best to the sitting, dead President of the United States. We also hope the Democratic Party alongside its secret cabal of puppeteers decide to allow Snooze-Button to punch that alarm clock one last time so he can rest in peace.
Speculators have already come up with a shortlist of candidates to replace him should Democrats decide his smell becomes unbearable. In the running are Kahlua-loving U.S. Vice-President Kamala Harris; anti-white, white businessman Mark Cuban; and the ghost of 1970s prop comic Gallagher.