Canada

Alberta Milker’s Cash Cows Haul in $8K/Week on OnlyFans

2 months ago

Success Proves Udderly Anything is Possible When You’re Teats Are on the Line

TCN – PINCHER CREEK, AB

While online influencers peddle everything from fitness plans to feet pics, a failing southwest Alberta dairy farmer is turning milk into gold with his newly minted cash cows.

Out of loan opportunities and nearing foreclosure, the Pincher Creek area’s Mortimor Richmand launched an OnlyFans account featuring raw, unfiltered and unpasteurized milking content. At first his videos focussed on him and his daily routine. When he started regularly filming both mechanical and manual teat pulling, the audience exploded through the second week of January, netting him upwards of $8,000 per week.

“I just did it on a lark,” Richmand said, chewing an Old Owl cigar and adjusting his rubber boot. “One day I was yanking on old Bella over there and thought, ‘You know, there’s whole lotta Sodom and Gomorrah goin’ on in the world right now.’ Then it clicked.”

Bovine Boobs Prove Popular Among Basement Dwelling Dementos

At first, his small audience showed a curiosity about where their dairy products come from. Within days, however, the OnlyFans platform’s primary market – those seeking tits, ass, camel-toe and arm pits – caught on and his account, “MilkMeBaby,” went viral.

“I don’t ask questions. I just take the cheques,” said Mortimer. “The comments have a lot of stuff about my pretty hands, though. Kinda freakin’ me out.”

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Canadian Patriotism Spikes Alongside Middle-Class Bankruptcy

2 months ago

Willing citizens set aside logic and home budgets at the behest of a raving Team Canada.

TCN – Toronto, ON

As the trade war between Canada and the United States flares up, proud Canucks are taking that extra step to keep the mirage of the country alive.

With a middle-class now well educated on living below the poverty line, proud Canadians see incoming tariffs as just another way to prove they are “all-in” on financial sodomy. With tit-for-tat tariffs driving up the price of everything from lumber to lettuce, the country’s residents are willingly handing over their debit cards to defend Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s precious post-nation-state status.

Economists are calling it “patriotic insolvency.”

“It’s surprising people don’t remember Grade 8 Social Studies,” said University of Ottawa Professor of Economics Greg Moneymin. “We sell raw materials to the U.S. where they tariff them. They send back finished products and we tariff those. Every time we trade, Canadians pay more. It’s win-win for the revenues of both federal governments. And Joe Beaver from Wilcox, Saskatchewan pays for it all.”

Canucks do their part for soup, sovereignty and absolute insolvency

A multitude of residents north of the 49th Parallel have learned to live on minuscule budgets under a fiscally-retarded Liberal-NDP government. Mark Dumphus is a retired civil servant who recently lost his home to foreclosure. The regular at Windsor, Ont. food banks says his chest bursts with pride every time he sits to his single, daily meal.

“I can’t afford groceries, but that’s just one more way I can show my love for the Maple Leaf and Team Canada,” he said, pulling a thread from the cuff of his tattered 1993 Team Canada hockey jersey. “Yeah, I lost my house. But I have never felt more proud of being Canadian.”

Dumphus collapsed moments later and was sent to hospital. TCN has learned that his National Pride was diagnosed as chronic heartburn from the over-consumption of processed foods.

Other Canadians consider bankruptcy this country’s new badge of honor.

“Americans might have affordable goods, but we have them too. They’re just a little more expensive,” said Vancouver, B.C. resident Julie McAllister, her tin coffee cup half full of nickels and dimes from three hours of pauper-work. “Excluding savings accounts, we have everything available to us that they do.”

Twenty-faced Trudeau crows then cowers

Meanwhile, Prime Minister Trudeau reassured citizens that poverty is just a temporary adjustment in Canada’s path towards globalist enlightenment.

“What is a country, really?” he asked a crowd of supporters at a rally in London, Ont. on Monday. “Borders? Money? These are archaic constructs established by CIS males with self-esteem issues. Nevertheless, we will defeat America in the game they have dominated and perfected for the last 200 years.”

The Prime Minister’s Office immediately sent out an X post sort of reversing the position. “Prime Minister Trudeau misspoke during a rally this morning in London, Ont. To our American friends, allies and financiers; we can’t control him.”

Canadians remain unwavering in their sacrifice, proving that nothing says patriotism like smiling over a bowl of thin gruel at a cold kitchen table.

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Leadership Race: Best of Liberal Party Leeches Line-Up to Lose Next Election

2 months ago

Gump Carney, Twitch Freeland, Belly-Button Barbie and Who Cares vie for LPC leadership, pitting four fools fighting for failure.

These 4 Liberal candidates are all the same. Trudeau’s face, heart and soul, but only ONE of them will lose the election to Poilievre

TCN – Ottawa, ON

With Pierre Poilievre and the Conservative Party of Canada’s throat hold on the polls, the Liberal Party of Canada (LPC) continues to inch towards finding a replacement for the country’s second female Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau.

Poilievre’s lead seemed unshakable until just before press time. Voters have recently been made aware that the CPC leader is in favour of sex-selective abortion in Canada, so things might be different Monday morning. In a head-smacking move, the would-be Prime Minister voted NO on Bill C-233 which would have abolished selective abortion in Canada. What the fuck?

On the other side, the LPC’s feather-haired, sock sycophant tip-toes along his endless unicorn ride into the retirement rainbow. The race to lead the Liberal Laurentian Cartel has fallen to a Banana Republic spectacle. New LPC rules allow anyone to participate in the decision. Illegal immigrants, the homeless, the Alphabet People and the country’s penal population have overtaken woke, upper-middle-class male feminists and cat women on the Liberal membership roll.

A quartet of candidates are vying for the opportunity to take the wheel of Trudeau’s globalist, post-nation aircraft. On March 9, party members – including those joining under the pretense of a free Subway sandwich – will determine who will steer the plane into the Rideau Canal.

Con-man Carney, Frazzled Freeland run ahead of the pack

Six days out, Mark Carney is the favourite among the “Champaign Socialists”. The former governor of both the Bank of Canada and the Bank of England is also widely known as Canada’s “Forrest Gump” based on recent claims he’s made.

Carney was present for every major national moment, including the driving of the Golden Spike to open the Canadian Pacific Railroad. He also founded Tim Hortons and talked Terry Fox into not quitting his marathon on a rough, rainy afternoon in August of 1980.

“I am also proud to have played a major role with the American special ops team that killed Osama bin Laden,” he said at a recent rally. “As the lone Canadian brought on board the operation, my heart swelled when I looked down and saw that Maple Leaf on my uniform.”

Tagging along by a single thread of Carney’s coattail is former Finance Minister and future illusionist Chrystia Freeland. Previously a mainstream media propagandist, “Twerky-Twitch” is now using her high profile to leap into her next career as a magician. Her off-hour training is paying off, making money disappear from Canadian coffers on an hourly basis.

Twerky-Twitch’s plan for Canada is more of the same; pillaging the Bank of Canada to fund true patriots. Like Trish Apricot-Swirl, a former Ontario steelworker previously named Michael Strongman requiring extended estrogen and progesterone treatments.

Just yesterday, Freeland twitched her way through a press conference with a new plank in her platform; nuclear military power. As the trade war between Canada and the U.S. flares then douses then flares again, Miss Power Dress has suggested the country align itself with European allies with nuclear warheads to fight the Americans. What the ACTUAL fuck?

A Freeland victory will also allow her to expand her weekly Adderall budget by $3000.

Federal poll fielded by BaNanos Research in February 2025, with a middle field date of February 28, 2025. The poll collected data from a total sample of n=1,024 Canadian respondents via live telephone interviews.

Gould and Bayliss in it for the minute

Then there are the “also-rans”:

Karina Gould is best known for her commitment to social issues, but has adopted a different strategy in her leadership bid. Gould is running on a “show more belly” tact at campaign events. Party insiders say her exposed naval will be substantially benefit her with the perv-vote.

Finally, Frank Bayliss is a supposed entrepreneur (socialists abhor capitalism) and human rights advocate for everyone but teenage soldiers on the front lines of the Russian-Ukraine conflict. Frankly, Frank is in the race so Canadians will stop asking who he is.

As a side note, former Liberal MP Ruby Dhalla was vying for the position until the party removed her on a technicality. In a deep dive into stolen emails from within the Dhalla campaign, party apparatchik discovered the veteran politician was delving too deeply into common sense solutions that would benefit lower and middle-class residents.

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Trump’s Greenland Claim Sparks “International Free Land Flea Market”

3 months ago

Mexico, Russia, China and Canada march onto foreign soil in world’s first land rush since 1492

TCN News – Greenland (soon to be Orangeland)

United States President Donald Trump’s claim on Greenland for security, economic and political reasons has launched the largest global land rush since Christopher Columbus’s arrival to North America more than five centuries ago.

Leaders around the world are following through on capitalizing on what has become the “International Free Land Flea Market.” Anything they deem politically, economically, and conveniently necessary is up for grabs, with various countries racing to all corners of Earth.

Mexico saw an opportunity to expand their burgeoning coffee industry by claiming a remote portion of a Honduran jungle. Known for its rich soil and exquisite coffee beans, the area was quickly taken over by drug cartels. President Trump’s new anti-cartel policies have driven producers out of their home country. Some have already set up sprawling cocaine production facilities in the dense Honduran rainforest.

“Muy buena coca es mucho, mucho, mucho dinero,” said one cartel boss wearing a Scooby-Doo bandana over his face.

“Muy buena coca es mucho, mucho, mucho dinero,” said one cartel boss wearing a Scooby-Doo bandana over his face.

Putin finds paradise on remote Pacific Ocean island

Meanwhile, Russian President Vladimir Putin is emboldened by his apparent victory in the Ukraine. Putin has set his sights on a 40-acre island in the Pacific near Fiji. He plans to create the ultimate tropical Russian paradise where he can lay in a hammock, sip drinks and casually dictate his expanding country’s future via pirated StarLink. A special red button on a beachside lounger’s arm rest, similar to President Trump’s Diet Coke button in the Oval Office, instantly orders an assassination.

“There is no better way to celebrate a war victory than lounging in the sun with a cigar, a vodka pina colada, a bronze call girl, and watching my enemies die in bloody torture through Facebook Live,” he told one assistant.

China simply took Taiwan without notice, reason or opposition. Ever the pragmatist, Chinese President Xi ordered the claim with no fuss, no formalities; just an immediate snap of his fingers.

“It has been there for centuries. We’ve always wanted it. We took it. What you gonna do bout it,” Xi said via translator an hour after raising the Chinese flag in Taipei City.

Trudeau wants some pretty rocks in Michigan

Finally, outgoing Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, known for his impeccable taste in fashion and endless need for groceries, has his eyes on a one-acre stretch of Michigan beach along Lake Huron. The sand at the location is known for it’s variety of pink hues which are popular among tween-aged youth for friendship bracelet crafting.

U.S. Secretary of State Marco Rubio was quick to respond.

“Governor Trudeau… Sorry, the Prime Minister can eat his socks, preferably as a side to a Trump Cut steak,” he said when stopped outside of his office in Washington, D.C.

It is unclear when and if this free-for-all on international land will end. There have been rumblings that England is placing a huge claim on their entire landmass in an effort to protect it from further decline into Sharia Law.

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Are you a Conservative or a Liberal? Take our QUIZ and find out where you land on the poli-spectrum

1 year ago

Do you ever wonder what political pigeon-hole you sit in? The results of this Quiz will determine whether you are conservative, moderate, liberal or something as aggregiously confusing as The Green Party. Results from these eight simple questions will also show you which Canadian political party is more aligned with your values and ideas. Be informed before the next Canadian Federal election.

Instructions: Please pick only ONE answer for each question (A or B). Note your answers then determine the results of your analysis at the bottom of the page.

#1: If you were or are a homosexual, you…

Answer A or B (only one option)

A. Quietly lead your life with or without a partner. It’s your being, not your identity. Sure, you might sip your tea with your pinky up or talk with a feminine lisp, but you rarely – if ever – discuss your sexual preferences in social situations. You simply don’t make a big deal about it. In other words, you are a balanced, productive, happy, caring, compassionate and humble member of society.

B. Like to shock people, show them you are something special and demand respect. Everyone must know you are homosexual, a member in good standing of the Self-Victimization Association. You demand legislated respect. Missing a Pride Parade? And miss an opportunity to walk the streets partially or fully nude? Are you kidding? You carry a literal LGBTQ+ member card and flash it in the face of everyone you call “homophobe.” Considering it’s your favorite defense mechanism – even in an argument over a parking spot – the card is used on the daily. Finally, you don’t have kids, but school board meetings are your primary social justice warrior target, demanding that pornographic LGBTQ+ books be included in the Elementary School curriculum. Preferably your own, hand-drawn cartoon flip book at a tidy price of $10 per book. That’s a profit.

#2: If you were or are an atheist, you…

Answer A or B (only one option)

A. Are a non-believer, don’t go to church. You might be wary of religion, but pastors, priests, reverends, imams are just people working a job. To you, they are not the tip of the sword for God in your community. You believe they are servants to their followers; though you shake your head at some of the things “church-people” say. Like, “You played with your rock band at a bar last night? The devil’s music? You know, back in Jesus’s day, we could have stoned you for that.” (True story).

B. Want to go tell it on the mountain, that God isn’t real. Someone mentions prayer in an anecdote, and you want to pull the hair out of your nostrils. “HE DOESN’T EXIST!” you scream, wailing and moaning like you are already in Hell. No one can mention the Almighty One. Government bureaucrats and politicians who use God in their speeches work for the devil you don’t believe in. To you, the Bible is a work of fiction, written in cold, candle-lit caverns by munks with opium addictions. There’s no point in reading it. The language in the book alone is as clear as frozen windshield in an ice storm. Finally, those religious folks; they’re so silly and naive. Who thinks a 2000-year-old cult is still relevant? That’s why you make fun of all Christians, but Muslims are untouchable. They’re reaction to opposition lean to the permanently dead side.

#3: If you were or are a vegetarian, you…

Answer A or B (only one option)

A. Just don’t eat meat. The only time you talk about it is when an acquaintance asks while out to dinner. Even at that, the conversation on the topic is short and inconsequential. When someone asks, “How’s the grazing going?” you laugh at the joke as you bite into a delicious vegetarian pork rind.

B. Make sure everybody knows you are a vegetarian and they should be a herbivore too. Whenever you see someone eating meat, they MUST know that it’s not good for their health, the environment, the moon and some parts of the cosmos. You want all meat products banned, including dogs and the Northern Canadian delicacy, beaver tail. Finally, meat-ban protests in front of restaurants and supermarkets are your only social activities. If you’re not beating meat, you are part of the problem.

#4: If you were or are a black person, you…

Answer A or B (only one option)

A. Know you are black, but never think about it. You have thoughts, experiences and problems everyone else of any color has; work to do, bills to pay, spouses to keep happy, surviving a day of heavy bloating caused by a bad taquito from 7-Eleven. Yes, there have been injustices committed to black people by white society during the world-wide slavery period, but that was a long time ago. It does not affect your daily activities. Like your parents/grandparents, your family has left it all behind since the Civil Rights Movement and aim to build a new, inclusive society for everyone. Your birth-land is North America. You have never been to Africa and think being called an “African-Canadian” is moronic. Two hundred years of generational Canadian citizenship is what you value; regardless of what finely-quaffed, fancy-socked Prime Minister is destroying your country.

B. Are obviously a victim of the white supremacy, allowing you the relief of no responsibility for your actions. Someone bumps into you in the elevator: Black oppression. A banker asks for your credit rating for a loan application: Black oppression. You wish R/C Cola still existed: Black oppression. You apply for every university and corporation holding racial staffing quotas. You think it’s the only way to knock off the Asian applicants.

As far as you know, only white people owned slaves and you refuse to believe they were purchased from Black African tribes. You ignore the fact that in North America, white people were integral to their liberation. Meanwhile, back “home” in Africa, the slave trade is vast and growing. Nevertheless, you are the victim who deserves reparations. “Dollar bills, Mofo.” Your regular use of the victim-card is enhanced by your VIP membership to BLM. All the money you have donated to the organization was used to develop a better society via rioting and looting. The money is not used for BLM leadership mansions, luxury cars and a lifetime supply of Cheetos.

#5: If you were or are a white person, you…

Answer A or B (only one option)

A. Know you are white, but never think about it. You have thoughts, experiences and problems everyone else of any color has; work to do, bills to pay, spouses to keep happy, surviving a day of heavy bloating caused by a bad taquito from Taco Bell. You compete, work and provide for your family despite racist hiring quotas and virtuous white women in high, powerful positions. Sure, it’s not fair, but complaining won’t do anything about it. “Lady-Bosses” don’t speak “mansplaining.” It’s obvious to you that the majority-white population may impact governmental policy, but feel that “white-supremacy” died with acid rain and the hole in the ozone layer. North America, Europe and Australia’s white majority welcomes and interacts with based, productive, legal immigrants regardless of skin tone. It’s more important for you to survive in a squeezed, middle-class economy where bread is now itemized in your tight budget. Race doesn’t come to mind as you ply your trade.

B. Hate being white and you identify as an Afro-Canadian or First Nations. You weep in guilt regularly because your ancestors lived alongside slavery and the Indian Act. Whether they participated in the tragedies is irrelevant. History is lost on you and any suggestion that black slaves were murdered by Africa’s ruling tribes instead of being sold and shipped to North America is deemed conspiracy. You abhor “cultural appropriation” but have no problem donning an Indian headdress or an African tunic to show your support. The colour of your skin automatically makes you responsible for tragedies that happened in 1820. The line of historic racism is drawn straight to you, and you wear that guilt like eyeliner on a third-rate Los Angeles hooker. Reparations are warranted, but that’s for the rich to pay. You’re guilty, but not that guilty.

#6: If you care for the environment, you…

Answer A or B (only one option)

A. Like to fish, hike, hunt, garden, camp and so much more to get outside, all while conserving the environment around you. All trash either stays on the passenger seat of your car or hits a gas station garbage bin. Pissing in a river is not a big deal, but raw communal sewage dumps are a travesty. You dream of building a cabin in the woods and living off the land, hunting and fishing for food. You believe your government fees for hunting and fishing are spent on wildlife management practices that include population control. Finally, you are disgusted by the Canadian government’s method of culling deer; a process that included a helicopter, three marksmen and sub-machine guns. Cannons must be used as flyswatters in Ottawa.

B. Love Greta Thunberg and think she is the most knowledgeable and influential person in the climate change industry. All of your Green Peace, PETA and Green Party memberships are up-to-date, moving you to scream bloody murder whenever you hear hunters legally harvesting an animal. “Meat is murder,” you yell. Other mottos include, “Humans are the problem,” “Leave Earth to the animals,” and “Your lattes are way too expensive. By the way, is that soy milk?” “Climate Change” started in 1900 and the world has never seen such an existential threat. Any statistics showing climate constantly evolving in a rhythmic pattern through its billions of years of existence are ignored. The proof is in a “hockey-stick” graph that looks like someone spilled coffee on it and adjusted the ink. Finally, anyone who does not believe what’s happening is a “climate denier” deserving a public hanging from the nearest old-growth Maple tree. The tree takes its revenge for their sacrilegious ideas and a deadly carbon footprint that suggests you vape methane right out of a cow’s ass.

#7: If you were or are a pot smoker, knowing it’s legal to do it in Canada, you…

Answer A or B (only one option)

A. Smoke your pot discretely by yourself or with friends. It might be a lifestyle choice, but it’s no different than a shot of Whispering Prick rye-whiskey; a social lubricant that isn’t necessarily required in every scenario, but it’s certainly more fun. You may not notice you smell like skunk, but are conscientious enough to freshen your clothes for others who can smell it. Smoking weed out of an apple-pipe is desperate and unnecessary to you. Snorting kief in the privacy of your own office, however, is acceptable.

B. You scream about consuming pot more than you actually smoke it. You have a pot leaf patch on all of your jackets and the tattoo on your back says, “I Bleed Weed.” You jump down the throat of anyone who asks you not to imbibe in public. “It’s my fucking medicine, man,” you say despite being in perfect health. “You think I’m an asshole now, wait til you see me sobre.” Everyone must know the benefits of the cannabis lifestyle. The drug is legal in Canada, so everyone should be smoking it! Those who refuse are probably touched with Downs Syndrome, of which weed also provides benefits with its miracle THC and CBD properties.

#8: If you (were) are born in Quebec, would you want to separate your province from the rest of Canada?

Answer A or B (only one option)

A. NO. The rest of Canada has become a fantastic financier for your French-socialist wet dreams. Giving up that is like throwing out a freshly-made plate of poutine.

B. YES. Canadians hate the French. It’s obvious. They won’t speak the language in Elbow, Sask. so it’s plainly obvious the Quebecois are lesser-than the rest of the country. We can experience our socialist wet dreams in our own country by milking our Laurentian oligarchs.

ANWERS TO THE QUIZ:

8 B’s = You are a fucking communist and are kindly asked to get the hell out of Canada immediately. If you decide to stay, your political party is the NDP led by Jagmeet Singh. This well rounded individual will ensure your reliance and compliance with their idealistic society while further growing his collection of Rolex watches and Mercedes sedans.

8 A’s = You’re definitely a hardcore conservative, fiscally and socially. You appreciate privacy, tradition and a balanced lifestyle based on family, hard work and ribeyes on Sunday evenings. There is only one party in Canada for you: PPC – the People’s Party of Canada led by Maxime Bernier, the only Canadian politician to be arrested for using his constitutional right to socialize during the COVID pandemic. The only politician to ask, “What in the actual fuck are you idiots on Parliament Hill doing?” The only politician who spoke to citizens during that tyrannical period.

4 A’s and 4 B’s =

You are a moderate person who prefers the comfort of a seat on the fence. Your parties of choice next election are the CPC (Conservative Party of Canada), or maybe the LP (Liberal Party). Either way, very little changes in Canada when either one of the uni-party takes the House of Commons.

3 A’s and 5 B’s =

You are definitely left-wing and don’t know what family really means yet. Your party is the LP, the NDP and/or the Green Party.

5 A’s and 3 B’s =

You lean to the right, but not too far, making your party of choice the CPC. Remember, you are not a fully-sorted conservative person yet… But keep moving in the right direction and you should be voting for the People’s Party of Canada (PPC).

6 A’s and 2 B’s =

You lean to the right and you are almost there if you want to become a conservative at heart. Your parties are the CPC or maybe the PPC.

2 A’s and 6 B’s =

You are very left-wing always seeking government support. Your party is the NDP. The party is run by strong, young vibrant terrorist/separatist Jagmeet Singh. Elect him and all trade with India ends due to his banning in that country. On the positive side, universal basic income and free abortions on Thursdays.

1 A and 7 B’s =

You are a socialist person for sure. You like enjoying the freebies from the government, and working is something that is not in your plans… Your parties are the NDP and the Liberal Party.

7 A’s and 1 B =

You are almost a real conservative 100%! If you keeping going this way, your party is the PPC. But if you suddenly decide that all abortions should be legal, your party is the CPC or the LP.

IMPORTANT NOTES:

  • QUESTION #7: No matter if you answered A or B to question #7, you are a pot lover. However, if you have more A’s than B’s, your party could be the Libertarian Party of Canada or the PPC party. If you have more B’s than A’s your party could be the Liberal Party or the Conservative Party. If you have answered 4/4 you are a pothead, and should stay out of politics. Just remember, you only vote NDP if all your answers are B.
  • QUESTION #8: If you answered YES (B) to question #8 regardless of what you answered to the previous questions, you are still a FUCKING separatist! Vote Bloc Quebecois. Considering you don’t want to be Canadian, this Quiz is NOT for you. We’ve just wasted your time. You are welcome!
  • If the RESULTS have shown that you are a conservative, we bet you are going to forward this quiz to your friends so they can have a good laugh. But if you are a liberal you’re probably not reading this far. If you are, fuck off. We know you are already “offended.” Run along now, and tell everyone how bigoted TCN’s content is. Either way, it’s advertising. Spread the word.
  • SUBSCRIBE to The Can News and receive more fun quizzes and polls in your email inbox.

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Winnipeg – A Beacon for the Future

1 year ago

The fruits of New-Canada grow wild in Manitoba’s capital where it’s better than it looks… Really!

TOURISM | ENTERTAINMENT

The Can News – Winnipeg, MB

Wake up to the future in Winnipeg.

Haven’t visited in a while? Well, it’s time to return. Our arms are as open as our southern border ready for anyone wanting a warm embrace on a blizzardly night.

Winnipeg: Vast, vigorous and virtuous. The legacy of Historical Hero Louis Riel comes alive on city streets, where free camping is available all day everyday on any public sidewalk. Stay warm on cool days with a Metis sash presented to all our visitors during their stay.

Winnipeg: Where free-range youth groups relieve guests of burdensome baggage like purses, wallets and watches.

Karen Prozac, a tourist from Portland – Oregon visiting Winnipeg, MB for the first time.

“I am amazed by the quality of life here! It’s cleaner and much safer than Portland…” says Karen.

Where hand sanitizer has replaced hand soap and masking isn’t mandatory, but don’t stand out, please.

Where Red River fecal gases keep residents alive, alert and constantly aware of their surroundings – until they’re behind the steering wheel. Where the tangle of streets begs you to stay where you are and enjoy the riverside scents and scenery. Where emergency syringes are available for use in any public park, donated by jittery, CF Polo Park Mall coffee baristas and washed clean by the magical sterilization of an Arctic winter.

Stay warm on cool days with a Metis sash presented to all our visitors during their stay.

Saving the best for last, Canada’s proud and powerful anus boasts 11 cannabis stores for every four liquor marts. When you come, come to party.

Winnipeg: Shining A Light on Socialist Sophistication

– Brought to you by the City of Winnipeg Tourism Council…. “It’s better than it looks.”

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‘Vaxpons’ to hit Canadian shelves this fall 

1 year ago

Trudeau-backed vaccination manufacturer dips into exploding tampon market 

The Can News – Montreal, QC

Montreal-based vaccine manufacturer National Research Council (NRC) is taking advantage of a newly vibrant feminine hygiene market.

The vaccine manufacturing entity was established two years ago with the blessing of Canadian Prime Minister and vax-cult Grand Puba Justin Turdeau. A year later, the NRC announced their intentions of expanding operations. Plans were to add tampon manufacturing as a subsidiary of the organization.

The move was made in reaction to an instant doubling of the tampon market. In 2023, the Canadian government began installing blood-plug dispensers in men’s washrooms.

Called “Vaxpons,” the new NRC product will contain enough full-coverage vaccine to absorb into the skin of any entry/exit point of the human body.

NRC mouthpiece Nipstim outlines potential Vaxpon side-benefits.

“We are very excited by this technological advance in feminine hygiene options,” said NRC spokesmouth Trent Nipstim.

“We are the first to keep the public safe and COVID-free via over-the-counter cotton products. And we’re leading the world in expanding tampon usage among everyone, regardless of orifice.”

The Vaxpon factory is producing 750 thousand units per day
Vaxpon contents and technology

In fact, Nipstim said he was one of the first to be vaccinated through the Vaxpon.

“I’ve been using them for six months and the benefits are numerous,” he said. “I’ve only had COVID twice instead of the average three times per month. Meanwhile, I’ve regained control of my anal fissure issues; and bowel movements are as enjoyable as a pedicure.”

Vaxpon is making headline news in Canada and around the world. The Canadian government is spending millions of dollars in its Vaxpon advertising campaign nationwide, including TV, social media and printed media.

Considering the product is being marketed to a new, penis-bearing demographic, Health Canada has pre-approved Vaxpons as part of a continued effort to feminize masculinity.

Canadian Liberals are demanding Free Vaxpon
Stores are encouraged to have Vaxpon available for their customers

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Parks Canada arms up for future deer culls

1 year ago

Ministry of Environment seeking RPG and IED stockade following uproar over cull by chopper.

The Can News – British Columbia, Canada | Special Correspondent Donny Dingo

British Columbia residents are tearing out their sideburns over the Canadian federal government’s response to deer-cull concerns.

In December of last year, Parks Canada spent more than $830,000 to cull growing populations of fallow deer on Sidney Island, B.C. A total of 84 animals were slaughtered by three foreign marksman from the United States and New Zealand. The crew hunted by spotlight at night and by helicopter during the day armed with sub-machine weapons.

Area residents immediately denounced the ministry’s “conservation methods” saying it’s a waste of life, food and the local recreation economy.

“I’m living on welfare and have lots of spare time, so I am willing to help Parks Canada to eliminate these beasts…” said Sam Uchenko who recently moved from Ukraine to Canada and lives in a trailer park on Sidney Island, B.C.

“We coulda cleaned up those buggers in a week; less if we’re supplied beer and chewing baccy,” said “Shooter” Lou Potshot, a B.C. hunter.

“Woulda had sausage for years for anyone who wanted it. Instead them poor creatures got all ground up in a mist of blood and entrails. Bloody shame.”

Feds freshen firepower with Hamas leftovers

Ministry of Environment and Climate Derangement spokesperson Imma Vegetableau said her office has heard the concerns and are responding. The next ungulate-aggedon is scheduled for later this year or early 2025.

“If the Liberal government knows one thing, it’s how to listen to its constituents,” Vegetableau said from her Ottawa high-rise, convoy-proof home office on Monday.

“We are currently in discussions with Israelis authorities about purchasing animal-cull mechanisms confiscated from Hamas fighters. Improvised explosive devices and rocket propelled grenades are in substantial supply. We’ll be depleting the black market of weapons and cleaning up that whole horned-rat problem on Sidney Island. Two deer, one bomb so to speak.”

Parks Canada Warden Patricia Mendez with all that remains of four deer shot by submachine gun from a helicopter in December. The animals were bedded near a swamp on Sidney Island.

“These guys certainly know what they’re doing,” she said. “These animals don’t even know what hit’em. It’s awesome.”

When asked if fallen animals will be processed for human consumption, Vegetableau was confused.

“People eat those things?” she asked.

The 84 deer culled in December would have produced roughly 6500 pounds of edible protein. Instead, a total of two pounds of meat was eaten by the cull crew following a drunken bush party.

Reports are the meat was succulent, rich in fat and probably the cure for Celiac Disease.

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Search for Justin Trudeau has ended, he came out of the closet this morning

3 years ago

OTTAWA: Canada’s Prime Minister Justin Trudeau search ends in joy. After several days missing, he was found alive and unharmed out of the closet.

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and his family have left their home in the national’s capital Ottawa for a secret location as up to 50,000 truckers gathered to protest against the country’s vaccine mandate and Covid lockdowns. Days earlier, he had called the truckers headed for the city a ‘small fringe minority’ before the convoy of thousands of vehicles grew up to 100 km long as it made its way to the capital.

Back of the cottage where Trudeau was hiding in the closet

Closet where Trudeau was hidden since last week

Images above released by the RCMP after the Prime Minister was rescued by a Royal Canadian Airforce helicopter this morning.

“I really thought it was a ‘small fringe’, but when I saw those huge rigs and the big drivers I realized that it was something I could not control. It was the biggest display of manhood and masculinity I have ever seen and enjoyed. I felt attracted to those bearded and muscular men honking at me. That’s why I had to leave town, otherwise my wife Sophie would find out about my feelings towards those guys. And the rest is history…” – said the PM Justin Trudeau.

“I really thought it was a ‘small fringe’, but when I saw those huge rigs and the big drivers… I realized that it was something I could not control…” – said Trudeau

TRUDEAU: “It was the biggest display of manhood and masculinity I have ever seen and enjoyed. I felt attracted to those bearded and muscular truckers honking at me. That’s why I had to leave town…”

Trudeau’s International Affair with France’s President Emmanuel Macron

Two hours after PM Justin Trudeau came out of the closet, the Interpol’s surveillance team released intriguing and secret photos of Trudeau-Macron international love affair to the media.

Trudeau and Macron
Trudeau and Macron
Trudeau and Macron
Trudeau and Macron

The Devious Art of Lying: The Affair with NDP’s Leader Tom Mulcair in 2016

Don’t Blame Him. The Signs Were All There.

Trudeau’s early signs as a cop
Trudeau’s early signs at the WEF
Trudeau’s early signs
Trudeau’s early signs with his grandma
Trudeau’s early signs with his aunts
Trudeau’s early signs with the Irish PM

You have two ways to sit down. The men’s way and the ladies’ way…

Trudeau sitting and a man sitting…
A man sitting and Trudeau sitting…

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Fauci: U.S. Forces should not be sent to Ukraine until all Russian troops are “fully vaccinated”

3 years ago

Fully vaccinated and masked soldiers ready to leave U.S. soil

CDC’s Dr. Anthony Fauci strongly urges President Biden to not send U.S. Forces to Ukraine until all Russian troops are “fully vaccinated” and “double-masked”.

Washington, DC: Tensions have soared in recent weeks, as the United States and its NATO allies expressed concern that a buildup of about 100,000 Russian troops near Ukraine signaled that Moscow planned to invade its ex-Soviet neighbour.

During a press conference this morning, Dr. Anthony Fauci – Chief Medical Advisor to the President of the United States said this is not the best time for the U.S. military engage in a war against Russia. According to Dr. Fauci, Russia is not following the ROE-19 (Covid – Rules of Engagement) protocols implemented by the CDC last November. Currently, 95% of Russian troops are not double-vaccinated and 100% of their military personnel won’t wear masks in case of a war.

Photos: Thousands of fearless unvaccinated and maskless Russian troops marching towards the Ukraine border

“This war could be unfair and ugly if Russia refuses to follow the CDC guidelines. Going to a war against the Russians under these circumstances could open the doors for new Covid variants, and put American soldiers’ lives at unnecessary risk in overcrowded field hospitals in the war zone. And I don’t think our soldiers are prepared for this kind of ordeal…” said Dr. Fauci.

“American troops could be decimated by maskless and unvaccinated Russian soldiers even before the first shot is fired…” added Dr. Fauci.

Dr. Anthony Fauci also recommended that in case of a war, troops must keep their 6ft social distance at all times before, during and after battles. “The worst thing that can happen during a war is having our troops coughing or sneezing around the enemies. And if you don’t have a tissue, cough or sneeze into your elbow, not your hands, soldier!” – Faucy commented.

Fauci: American troops could be decimated by maskless and unvaccinated Russian soldiers even before the first shot is fired…

ROE-19 Sanitary Guidelines

As per ROE-19 sanitary guidelines, all military weapons and equipment (except for weapons of mass destruction) must be cleaned and sanitized at all times. In addition to routine cleaning, these armaments must be kept 6ft away from enemies. Shared spaces such as barracks, buffer zones, dugouts and trenches should be cleaned and disinfected more often using surface virucidal disinfectants, such as 0.05% sodium hypochlorite (NaClO) and products based on ethanol. 

The U.S. Department of Defense’s spokesperson told The Can News that they will review Dr. Fauci’s recommendations and the ROE-19 protocols prior to sending the troops to Ukraine. “During war times, “safety” is our major concern…” said the DOD spokesperson.

“Mother Russia’s soldiers will only take shots of vodka, and that’s not negotiable…” – said Vladimir Putin

Photos below: Fully-vaccinated and masked, American troops are following all ROE-19 protocols

CANADA TO FOLLOW DR. FAUCI’S WAR GUIDELINES

Photo: Canada’s Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and Dr. Theresa Tam during a press conference this afternoon

Ottawa: Canada’s Chief Public Health Officer Dr. Theresa Tam just confirmed that Canada will be following Dr. Anthony Fauci’s ROE-19 protocols and will not send their troops to Ukraine until all Russian soldiers are fully-vaccinated and completely masked.

“It’s a risk we are not willing to take…” said Dr. Tam.

Dr. Tam went even further to say that Canadian troops engaged in a war will also be required to wear masks during sexual intercourse in the barracks and/or trenches. “You know, casual sex is very common in times of war. Doesn’t matter if your partner is a rank above you or below you, or if your partner likes being on the top, or under… the important thing is that all military sexual partners should wear masks during sex despite the number of partners involved… it could be just a couple of soldiers, or a senior officers’ threesome, or even an army swing party…who knows?”

Watch below Dr. Theresa Tam’s video explaining the importance and effectiveness of wearing a mask during sex intercourse.

Video credit: Ben Bankas – Dr. Theresa Tam’s video explaining the importance and effectiveness of wearing a mask during sex intercourse.

> Click here to go to The Can News home page

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2022 Freedom Convoy – Canada

3 years ago

THE CAN – The only “Conservative & Patriot” satirical newsmedia outlet in Canada
proudly supports all Canadian truckers and the 2022 Freedom Convoy!

#freedomconvoy2022 #truckersforfreedom

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Greta Thundericeberg considered the natural choice to replace Scheer

5 years ago

Ottawa, ON | The Can News

Scheer announced his decision at a surprise caucus meeting before heading into the House of Commons. His resignation comes as a direct result of new revelations that he was using Conservative Party money to pay for his children’s private schooling, according to Conservative sources who spoke with the Can News.

Scheer resigned today and his children will start attending residential school next week.

Scheers’ kids were attending private school because he doesn’t trust the public system, and thought it was time for his children to get ahead. Unfortunately for him, now his children are in custody of Canada’s Social Services and they will start attending residential school next week.

“We need to isolate these children from the bad influence of their father…” said Ramadan Hussein – Minister of Families, Children and Social Development.

After cheating in the 2017 CPC leadership race, Scheer celebrates his victory under a rain of 141,000 destroyed ballots, making an official recount unlikely.

WHY IS SHE THE NATURAL CHOICE TO REPLACE HIM AS THE PARTY LEADER?

Greta and Andrew Scheer have lots in common says a Conservative MP

Moments after Andrew Scheer announced Thursday his intention to resign as Conservative party leader, speculation turned to who will replace him.

According to Rona AmhomeDepose – former interim leader of the Conservative Party – Greta Thundericeberg has been considered the natural choice to replace Andrew Scheer as the party leader. “Greta is young and there are a lot of similarities between her and Andrew…” said Rona.

During an interview earlier today, Andrew Scheer commented that Ms. Thundericeberg will have his 100% support. “It’s time for her to get ahead!” said Mr. Scheer.

But what Greta and Andrew have in common? Almost everything.

Scheer told Greta: “Hey girl, it’s time for you to get ahead.”

Here’s a small list of their similarities:

  • They are young and both are not fit for the position they occupy
  • They both think children should not attend public school
  • They’ve never really worked outside politics
  • Neither of them is an insurance broker
  • They are both political puppets
  • She cheated at school and he cheated at the CPC leadership race
  • They both want to keep Canada under the Paris Agreement
  • She lies. He lies too.
  • They hate winter, otherwise she’d stay in Sweden and he’d stay in SK
  • They both have problems answering off-script questions
  • He has dual citizenship. She has dual personality.
  • They both despise Donald Trump (well… all Liberals do.)
The international mascot for climate alarmism and the CPC mascot for the 2019 elections

Regardless of the predictions, Andrew Scheer is moving on and will likely enjoy a well-earned rest with his family and friends over the holidays. The last several weeks must have been hell for him, and few people realize just how brutal, demoralizing and exhausting life in politics can be. We suspect the outgoing leader will wake up tomorrow having a terrible hangover after having several beers with his buddies this evening. (photo below)

Andrew Scheer having a boys’ night out with his buddies at the “No Bacon Grill & Beard” on Clarence Street in Ottawa, ON.

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Trump calls Trudeau “black-faced”, “scumbag”, “son of Castro”…

5 years ago

The Can News | London, UK

President Donald Trump blasted Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau as “black-faced”, “scumbag”, “son of Castro” on Wednesday after Trudeau was caught on an open mic with other world leaders discussing the NATO meeting in London and referencing Trump’s “orange colour”.

The video, which quickly went viral online, showed Trudeau, British Prime Minister Boris Johnson, French President Emmanuel Moron and others speaking at a Buckingham Palace reception.

The video begins with Johnson looking toward French President Moron and asking, “Why did he miss the Afternoon Tea with the Queen?”

Trudeau jumped in, “He doesn’t do high teas, he is an orange Crush kinda guy… Just like you Boris”. And they all laughed.

After a cut in the footage, Trudeau adds, “He is more orange than you are, Boris. He must eat a lot of Cheetos too…”

“He doesn’t do high teas, he is an orange Crush kinda guy…“ said Trudeau

Orange is the new Black…

“I might be orange, but he sure has a black face” said Trump about Trudeau.

“Well, he’s black-faced, “scumbag” and “son of Castro…” Trump said of Trudeau alongside German Chancellor Angela MarxWell on Wednesday. “And honestly with Trudeau he’s a nice guy, but the truth is he is son of Fidel Castro and I guess he’s not happy about it. I wouldn’t…”

“I am an orange-faced guy and he is a black-faced dude, but that’s the way it is,” Trump said. 

Is the Cuban dictator Fidel Castro the real father of Prime Minister Justin Trudeau?

Watch the video and decide yourself, but we think Trudeau should go on Maury’s TV Show and get DNA tested. Just in case…

Justin Trudeau or Justin Castro? Watch the video and decide yourself.

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Trudeau’s New Cabinet: As useless as male nipples

5 years ago

The Can News | Ottawa, ON

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced last week the new members of Cabinet following the swearing-in ceremony. The new cabinet is excessively large, useless and not as diverse as you could imagine.

Justin Trudeau pretending he is inspecting the honour guard

Racial and Gender Breakdown of Trudeau’s New Cabinet

Despite its enormous size, the new cabinet not only lacks diversity but also competence. It may look pretty and colourful at first, but 30 out of the 37 ministers are white, and for that reason some critics refer to it as “white-supremacist cabinet”.

Photo: Member of the LGBTQ2STUVXZ community gets angry after learning that Trudeau’s new cabinet is non-inclusive.

The new cabinet is also male-dominated, including 19 men and only 18 women, and if that wasn’t enough there aren’t any gays, transgenders, pedophiles or zoophiles in Trudeau’s cabinet. Unless some of the ministers are still hiding in the closet (or cabinet). The lack of gender diversity in the new cabinet roster had infuriated the LGBTQ2STUVXZ community in Canada.

“Even my cabinet is more colourful and inclusive than Trudeau’s…“ said Leo Varadkar, Ireland’s Prime Minister (photo)

Who’s who in Justin Trudeau’s 2019 cabinet

The Can News has compiled below some facts and curiosities about 16 of the 37 members of cabinet. We didn’t want to waste our time writing about the other 21 ministers. Don’t worry, even Trudeau doesn’t know all of them.

Chrystia Freakland

Minister of Prime Minister’s Short Term Affairs

Her job is to keep all the PM’s short-term extramarital affairs as discreet as possible.

Bill Moroneau

Minister of Finance & Budget Balances Itself

He wasn’t happy leaving Canada with a $19 billion deficit and now he’s back to make it bigger than ever. Damage Level: Woman’s shopping spree

Jessica Yaniv

Minister of the Human Rights Tribunal, Transgenders & Brazilian Wax

The twisted Twitter celebrity brings a complete package for Brazilian Waxing and vast experience in the B.C. tribunals.

LeNoir LeBlanc

Minister of the Queen’s Private Parts Council

He will be performing this important and difficult task, facilitating all Lieutenant Governors’ jobs.

Cunterine McKenna

Minister of Infrastructure and Communities

As the Minister of Climate Change she couldn’t build anything, but now she has the license to build everything she wants (unlimited carbon emissions).

Inspector David Clouseau

Minister of Justice & Attorney General

A decade ago, meningitis left Mr. Clouseau mute, deaf and blind, making him the ideal candidate to replace Jody Wilson-Raybould.

Bardish Kitchendish

Minister of Diversity, Inclusion and Youth

She will make sure that our youth & children are always exposed to diversity and porn at school.

HairHid Shazam!

Minister of International Defence

Once again, his job is to keep Canada’s borders always open and welcoming, and protect international minorities and refugees.

Joyce Betray

Minister of Digital Government

She is in charge of the deep state and the government’s dark web, hiding all criminal and illegal activities the PM is engaged in.

Jean-Yves Saint Laurent

Minister of Wine & Cheese Board

Chef Jean is also an experienced sommelier who takes care of Trudeau’s private parties aboard the  Royal Canadian Air Force jet.

Monalisa Bombardier

Minister of Middle Class Disparity

Getting our middle class even more screwed is part of her game. She’ll increase and introduce new taxes such as incumming tax and bare assets tax.

Pablo Al Pacino

Leader of Government in Hollywood

He is the connection between Trudeau and the climate activist celebrities in Hollywood.

Debit Schulte

Minister of Senior Hoarders

She is the mastermind behind the new tax for seniors. From now on, seniors will be taxed $5 (non-deductible) for every pound of hoarding items.

Climatean Wilkinson

Minister of Environment and Climate Change

He has the impossible mission of fighting a losing battle with mother nature. So he will keep wasting our money attending the Paris Accord meetings.

MarIran Monsef

Minister of Women, Gender Equality, & Rural Economic Development

Her job is to promoting Canadian women migration to rural areas where more development is needed while keeping transgenders safe in the big cities.

Old Red Riding Hood Bennet

Minister of Crown, Bridges & Dentures for Indigenous Communities

Former Minister of Public Health and dentist, Dr. Bennet will take care of our indigenous’ oral health.

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Don Cherry is the New Face of KFC

6 years ago

The Can News – Ottawa, ON

Don Cherry who was fired last week as the longtime face of Hockey Night in Canada after making controversial remarks about Opium poppies, signed today an 8-figure contract with KFC and will be the company’s new face for the next 2 years.

According to KFC, the company has been looking for a new person to replace the old Colonel Bernie Sanders (photo) since he became mentally ill in 2016.

What really happened in the Coach’s Corner? Read below the transcript released by CSIS yesterday:

Don Cherry: “You animals … you love our way of life…”

The cow and the bee: “You people… you love our milk and honey, at least you could pay us a couple of bucks for that…”

Don Cherry (angry): “Honey, these guys in Canada are already paying the biggest price for milk.”

Greta Thunberg (very angry): “How dare you?”

48 hours later: Don Cherry was fired, Greta Thunberg left North America, and the price of milk was still very expensive in Canada.

What’s next for Coach’s Corner?

Sportsnet said it plans to take the long-running segment in a new direction, and will change its name to “Roach’s Corner”.

With the sudden dismissal of Don Cherry from Hockey Night in Canada, there is a lot of speculation about who could replace him. There are rumors former CBC – The National’s anchor Peter Personsbridge, Ronald McDonald, or Star Trek’s William Shatner, may get the job.

The 3 candidates for the new Roach’s Corner: Peter Personsbridge, Ronald McDonald and William Shatner

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